In this episode Yo digs into the book Emotional Agility by Susan David, PhD, to explore the science-based approach to navigate life’s twists and turns. It’s about getting unstuck, embrace change, and thrive in work and life. She states that how we deal with our thoughts, feelings, and self-talk ultimately determine how successful we’ll be.
David has a special chapter on Becoming Real and she works in the book, The Velveteen Rabbit by Marjorie Williams. Yo discovered this book in college and treasures her own copy. You’ll hear a bit more from the book than what David offered because it’s so close to her heart.
Enjoy the listen.
Here are the episode take-aways:
1. Emotional agility is the absence of pretense and performance which gives our actions greater power because they come from our own core values (not someone elses).
2. It takes courage to appoint ourselves as our agent for our own life – it involves embracing a new identify and releasing narratives that no longer serve us.
3. We reach that level of being REAL, that level of emotional agility, not through magic, but through a series of steps in everyday moments over the course of a lifetime.
As mentioned in the episode:
Emotional Agility by Susan David, PhD.
The Velveteen Rabbit by Marjorie Williams
Susan Cain, Bittersweet, Episodes: 23, 24
Daniel Goleman, Emotional Intelligence, Episode: 76, 77
Susan David Newsletter & Website
Ways to reach Yo:
Public FB group: Girl, Take the Lead!
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Linktr.ee/yocanny
IG:
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LinkedIn:
https://www.linkedin.com/in/yocanny/
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Welcome to episode 80 of Girl Take the Lead for each week we
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explore womanhood and leadership.
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And I'm your host yo Canny. When Susan Kane, author of
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Bittersweet and Quiet, which we featured in episodes 23 through
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25 and 35 through 37, says that the book.
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Emotional Agility, Get Unstuck, Embrace Change and Thrive and
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Work Life by Susan David, PhD is, quote, essential reading.
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I knew I needed to check it out. And when Daniel Goldman, author
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of Emotional Intelligence, featured in our episodes 76 and
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77, says quote, helpful to anyone, that's all I needed.
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I'm ready. Let's go.
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Susan David is a psychologist on the faculty of Harvard Medical
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School, cofounder and Co director of the Institute of
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Coaching at McLean Hospital, CEO of Evidence Based Psychology, a
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boutique business consultancy. She's worked with senior
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leadership in hundreds of major organizations, including the
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United Nations, and published in Harvard Business Review Time.
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Fast Company and Wall Street Journal.
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I'll have in the show notes where you can sign up for her
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free newsletter and learn more about her.
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Remember to listen to the very end.
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It's where I capture the three takeaways and what's coming up
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next. Enjoy the listen.
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I really enjoyed this book. Let's start by looking at how
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Susan David defines emotional agility.
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She first looks at the emotional part of emotional agility, which
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is about becoming more aware of our emotions, learning to accept
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them and make peace with them. The agility part addresses our
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thinking and behavior as well those habits of mind and body
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that can also prevent us from flourishing.
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And she states that research shows that emotional rigidity,
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which is getting hooked by thoughts, feelings, and
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behaviors that don't service, is associated with a large range of
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ills. Meanwhile, emotional agility is
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about being flexible with our thoughts and feelings.
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So that we can respond optimally to everyday situations and is
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key to our well-being and success and allows us to be in
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the moment, changing or maintaining our behaviors, to
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live in a way that's aligned with our intentions and values.
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Yay, we like that. It's all about loosening up,
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calming down. And living with more intention.
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And as she says, between stimulus and response, there is
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space. In that space, it's our power to
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choose a response. In our response lies our growth
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and our freedom by opening up that space between how we feel
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and what we do with those feelings emotional agility has.
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Been shown to help people with any number of troubles.
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I especially loved when she said.
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Quote Meanwhile, our consumer culture promotes the idea that
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we can control and fix most of the things bothering us, and
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that we should toss or replace the things we can't unhappy in a
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relationship. Find another not productive
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enough? There's an app for that.
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When we don't like what's going on in our inner world, we apply
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the same mindset. We go shopping.
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We go get a new therapist or result to fix our one
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unhappiness and dissatisfaction and simply think positive.
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End Quote. For me, if I had emotions I
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didn't like, like sadness or shame, I'd eat something sweet.
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And if I was in overwhelmed or angry, I'd eat something deep
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fried. I know, Go figure it was how I
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kept going, though, trying to make everyone happy.
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I think I'm not supposed to have these emotions.
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Why can't I think more positively?
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David says that trying to impose happy thoughts is extremely
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difficult, if not impossible. Because few people can turn off
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negative thoughts and replace them with more pleasant ones.
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And there's something interesting, she offers an
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essential truth. Our so-called negative emotions
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are often actually working in our favor.
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And in fact, negativity is normal, a fundamental fact that
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we're wired to feel negative at times.
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It's simply part of the human condition.
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Whoa, so good to know. David unfolds emotional agility
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in four essential movements, 1 showing up, two stepping out,
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three walking our why, and four moving on.
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So let's look at #1 showing up, I was reminded while reading
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this section of the book. The episode we did with Andrea
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Main DeWitt, I name, claim and reframe, which was episode 48.
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Because David also says that decades of research shows that
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our life satisfaction in the face of inevitable worries,
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regrets, and sad experience depends not so much on how many
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of these things we experience or even their intensity, but on the
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way we deal with them. When we show up fully with
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awareness and acceptance, even the worst demons usually back
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down. Simply by facing up to the scary
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things and giving them a name, we often strip them of their
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power. We end the tug of war by
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dropping the rope. Isn't that a great image?
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I loved it. She also offers us this.
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When we show up to these emotions compassionately with
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curiosity and with acceptance, no failures, regrets, or bad
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hairstyles turned away. So this is where self compassion
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works. In recognizing we had to play,
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the hand we were dealt is often the first step toward showing
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yourself more warmth, kindness, and forgiveness.
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We all did the best we could and it couldn't have been any
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different. Another thing she said here
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about compassion was that compassion gives us the freedom
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to redefine ourselves as well as the all important freedom to
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fail which contains within it the freedom to take the risks
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that allow us to be truly creative.
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And who wouldn't love that? Let's look at #2.
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Stepping out the next step in gaining agility she provides.
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A way to do this is through writing, which can improve
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physical and mental wellbeing, she says.
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In the process of writing, we are able to create the distance
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between the thinker and the thought, the feeler and the
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feeling. And that allows us to gain a new
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perspective, get unhooked and move forward.
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And I can see how that would be. I love getting something out of
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my head, and on paper it allows me to be a new observer rather
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than just spinning something in my head.
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I can see things from a different perspective, which is
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stepping out, creating a gap between the stimulus and
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response. Plus, we recover a bit of our
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humanity. It's this space that allows us
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to be sensitive to the context, to shift our actions to what
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will work in the here and now, rather than being driven by
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mindless impulses. Oh boy, we should probably
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highlight that one. I'm going to say it one more
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time. It's this space.
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That allows us to be sensitive to the context, to shift our
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actions to what will work in the here and now, rather than being
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driven by mindless impulses. Oh gosh, you're speaking to the
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choir about mindless impulses. I can jump to something so
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quickly and take something on and really writing, breathing,
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doing a little meditation. Definitely is needed.
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So she offers 6 techniques for stepping out.
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One, think process. So if you have absolute states
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like I'm fat, it draws us into old stories and they're just
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stories, not our destiny. Two get contradictory like
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loving and loathing our bodies at the same time.
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This improves our tolerance for uncertainty 3.
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Have a laugh. Often I find myself so funny
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trying to get different results by doing the same thing over and
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over. I can hear myself saying, oh
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Yolanda, how about you are are you the funniest person
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sometimes in the room 4. Change our point of view or our
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perspective 5. Call out the thought and emotion
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for what it is. Anytime you get hooked, an
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emotion, as my husband Steve will say, they pass six.
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Talk to yourself in the third person, like LeBron James, who's
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excellent at this when he went to the Miami Heat from the
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Cleveland Cavaliers, he said. Quote One thing I didn't want to
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do was make an emotional decision.
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I wanted to do what's best for LeBron James and to do what
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makes LeBron James happy. I'm cool with that, LeBron, Good
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for you. Now the big #3 walking your Y.
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And that's WHY. Which she says is the art of
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living by your own personal set of values.
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The beliefs and behaviors that we hold dear and that give us
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meaning and satisfaction, identifying and acting on the
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values that truly are ours, not those imposed on us by others.
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Not what we think we should care about, but what we genuinely do
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care about is the crucial next step of fostering emotional
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agility. So my thought here is that this
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is not always easy to do and involves a lot of detangling and
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a lot of writing and asking ourselves.
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So where did that come from? Are those people even living?
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Here's what she says. I see values not as rules that
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are supposed to govern us, but as qualities of purposeful
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action. That we can bring to many
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aspects of life. Values aren't universal.
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What's right for one person may well not be right for someone
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else. But identifying what matters to
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us, whether that's a career success, creativity, closer
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relationships, honesty, altruism, there is an almost
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infinite list to choose from. And these give us a priceless
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source of continuity. Values serve as a psychological
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keel to keep us steady. Ooh, and listen to this, she
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says, when we make choices based on what we know to be true for
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ourselves, rather than being led by others telling us what is
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right or wrong, important or cool.
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We have the power to face almost any circumstance in a
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constructive way. Rather than being caught up in
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pretending or social comparison, we can stride forward with
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confidence. Oh yeah, she goes on to say.
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Determining what we truly care about is only half the process
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of walking your why we need to take courageous action.
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And she says there's bound to be complex.
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An example she gives is creating work life balance.
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It can be a constant tug between working and spending time with
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our families. So here's some examples.
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If we say I value being a loving parent, I will bring that love
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to my interactions with my kids. And I value being a productive
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worker. I will bring that productivity
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to my desk every day. That is very different, she says
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from saying I value being a loving parent, so I will leave
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the office at 5:00 every day regardless.
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This brings an expansion of what is possible in our life because
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we haven't separated the two. I think that makes a lot of
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sense. Now for #4, the last essential
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movement, which is moving on. Here she talks about tweaking
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our motivations by engaging our autonomy, The power of wanting
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to do something rather than having to Like I need to lose
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£10 rather than I want to lose £10.
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Want two goals? Reflects A person's genuine
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interest and values. There why they call forward our
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personal enjoyment. You can imagine what have two
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goals call forward and if you can't call forward a want to,
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then they could be a sign that we need to change something.
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I thought this was pretty important.
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She says a mind that is open to growth and change is a hub from
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which values and goals can be brought to life and realized.
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There is tremendous empowerment in appointing ourselves the
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agent of our life, in taking ownership of our own
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development, career, creative spirit, work and connections.
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And she adds this. Emotional agility is about
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getting on with life. It involves moving toward
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clarity, challenging yet achievable goals that you pursue
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not because you think you have to or because you've been told
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to, but because you want to because they're important to
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you, I think in her book. And outlining the four essential
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aspects of emotional agility. Susan David is teaching us to be
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real. So I'd like to share with you an
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excerpt from the book, because I love this book.
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I really love it, and it means a lot for me to share it with you.
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So I hope you'll like it. Here it goes.
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When the story opens, the rabbit is having a hard time fitting in
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with his owner's other toys. The little boy to who the rabbit
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belongs lost interest in him shortly after receiving him and
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the other toys. Many of them have modern
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mechanical parts that make them seem and act real, intimidate
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the rabbit. After all, he is made of cloth
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and sawdust. And hardly looks like a real
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Bunny at all. The rabbit eventually finds a
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friend in the wise old Skin Horse who has lived in the
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nursery for longer than any of the other toys.
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What is real? The rabbit asked the Skin Horse
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one day. Does it mean having things that
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buzz inside you and a stick out handle?
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Real isn't how you are made, says the Skin Horse.
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It's a thing that happens to you when a child loves you for a
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long, long time, not just to play with, but really loves you.
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Then you become real. Does it hurt?
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The rabbit asks sometimes, said the Skin Horse, for he was
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always truthful when you are real.
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You don't mind being hurt. Does it happen all at once, like
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being wound up? He asked.
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Or bit by bit, It doesn't happen all at once, said the Skin
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Horse. You become, it takes a long
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time. That's why it doesn't happen
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often to people who break easily or have sharp edges, or who have
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to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are
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real, most of your hair has been loved off and your eyes drop out
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and you get loose in the joints and very shabby.
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But these things don't matter at all because once you are real,
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you can't be ugly except to people who don't understand the
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skin. Horse goes on to tell his story
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about the boy's uncle. Making him real a great many
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years ago. And the rabbit side, he thought
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it would be a long time before this magic called real happened
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to him. He longed to become real, to
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know what it felt like. And yet the idea of growing
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shabby and losing his eyes and whiskers was rather sad.
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He wished that he could become it.
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Without these uncomfortable things happening to him one
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night, the little boy can't find his favorite China dog to sleep
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with, so his nanny grabs the velveteen rabbit out of the toy
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cupboard and tucks him in with the master.
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After that, the boy becomes inseparably attached to the
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rabbit, hugging him tightly in bed, covering the rabbit's pink
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nose with kisses and taking him everywhere.
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The boy even brings him to play in the garden, and once
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accidentally leaves him outside all night.
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Through it all, the rabbit becomes increasingly grimy and
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threadbare. Eventually the pink begins to
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rub off his nose. At one point the nanny tries to
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take the now filthy toy away, but the boy protests that the
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rabbit has to stay, insisting that he's real.
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Which is, of course, music to the rabbit's satiny but now
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shopworn ears. Eventually, the velveteen Rabbit
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meets the nursery fairy who asks him Little Rabbit, Don't you
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know who I am? I am the nursery magic fairy,
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she said. I take care of all the
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playthings that the children have loved.
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When they are old and worn out and the children don't need them
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anymore, then I come and take them away with me and turn them
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into real. Wasn't I real before?
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Asked the little rabbit. You were real to the boy, the
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fairy said, Because he loved you.
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Now you shall be real to everyone and on that note.
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Will end today's episode. Thank you for listening.
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Thank you for listening today, and we sure hope you enjoyed
00:22:38
this episode. And if you did, please leave a
00:22:41
comment wherever you listen to your podcasts.
00:22:44
Join our public Facebook group Girl Take the Lead or visit our
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00:22:55
Once you're on YouTube, search at Girl.
00:22:57
Take the lead. Here are the three takeaways
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from the episode. One emotional agility is the
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absence of pretense and performance.
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Which gives our actions greater power because they come from our
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own core values, not someone else's. 2 It takes courage to
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appoint ourselves as our agent for our own life.
00:23:25
It involves embracing a new identity and releasing
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narratives that no longer serve us Three.
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We reach that level of being real, like the Valvatine Rabbit.
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That level of emotional agility, not through magic, but through a
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series of steps in everyday moments over the course of a
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lifetime. By the way, I thought you'd like
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to know a few facts about the book.
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The Velveteen Rabbit. Marjorie Williams, the author,
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was an English American author born on July 22nd, 1881 in
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London, England. And is best known for The
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Velveteen Rabbit, which she published in 1922, and she
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continued to write throughout her life, exploring all kinds of
00:24:16
genres and themes. And she passed away on September
00:24:20
4th, 1944 in New York City at the age of 63.
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Her legacy lives on through The Velveteen Rabbit, which has
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remained A cherished classic. In children's literature for
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over a century. Gosh, and it's still one I love
00:24:39
very much. Susan David has so many more
00:24:43
amazing things to say about emotional agility, and one theme
00:24:48
is emotional agility at work that I'll cover as a sound bite.
00:24:54
Stay tuned where to come on that.
00:24:57
I'm also looking forward to sharing Melody Wilding's book.
00:25:01
Trust yourself. Stop over thinking and channel
00:25:04
your emotions for success at work.
00:25:07
Talk to you soon. Bye.