154. Be Confident, Resourceful, & Graceful: Insights from Andrea Mein DeWitt About Her Book, Name Claim & Reframe Workbook. PART 2 of 2

[00:00:00] Welcome to Episode 154 of Girl, Take the Lead, where each week we explore

[00:00:12] womanhood and leadership. And I'm your host, Yolanda Canny. Today, we conclude our conversation

[00:00:18] with Andrea Mayn-DeWitt. And we'll get into reframing feedback, accepting a compliment,

[00:00:26] flying helicopters into stormy weather, and end with some healing words.

[00:00:32] And remember, you can pre-order her workbook, which is a perfect companion if you have the

[00:00:38] original book, name, claim, and reframe. And that workbook launches April 30th.

[00:00:46] Please enjoy the lesson. Here you go.

[00:00:49] Well, another area that we've covered a lot on the show has been like feedback.

[00:00:57] Because that is something that a lot of us get and talk about fear. It's like, it's somebody's got

[00:01:06] power and they're, you know, assessing you or whatever that is, you know, the feedback. But

[00:01:11] you say that there's some good things about the feedback for us to look at.

[00:01:19] I think oftentimes we convert feedback to criticism. We don't take advantage of really

[00:01:26] sifting and sorting it. And I think initially the first layer is that we give other people's

[00:01:33] opinions way too much power, and we let other people's opinions define us, and we don't have to.

[00:01:38] Yeah. The first number one thing about feedback, Yolanda, is that it's not about you.

[00:01:47] It's about the person giving the feedback, what their preferences are,

[00:01:52] what they care about, what their core beliefs are. If it's from your boss giving your feedback,

[00:01:58] you probably want to listen to that feedback. But if it's from your next door neighbor,

[00:02:03] you probably don't need to listen to it. You can just say, thanks so much and throw it out.

[00:02:10] So it's about, you know, do I care about what this person thinks or do I not? And so,

[00:02:16] you know, is it, do I need to listen to it even at all? And I think when it's really

[00:02:25] comes to the next point about sifting and sorting it, what is useful to me

[00:02:31] and what do I need to throw out? I think we give way too much of our good energy to

[00:02:38] over to people that really don't matter. So sifting and sorting, the feedback that

[00:02:45] stings the most is the feedback that attaches to the limiting beliefs like those core wounds

[00:02:52] that we talked about. Yeah, I can see that. Right? Yeah. So you think I always ask the question,

[00:02:58] okay, this that feedback kind of stung. So what tail is my inner critic spinning about that feedback?

[00:03:07] So let me just look at it and again, I can use, you know, what I know about the inner critic and

[00:03:13] sort of sifting sort of that way because and think, oh, that's that old belief I had when I was

[00:03:18] six, you know, it's really not going to work anymore. I mean, I will say I was a late

[00:03:24] reader. And so I have, I have total feedback about misspelling words and things because I'm

[00:03:32] a terrible speller. Thank God for spell check. And so I'm super like if I get feedback that there's

[00:03:37] a typo, I just I go crazy. And so I think, you know what, it's fine. So just own it. Say, oh,

[00:03:45] let me do that again. Oops, feedback. Oops, typo or oops, you know, I've done that. So it's,

[00:03:51] I think, you know, if you if you you meet it head on again, it's like Burnett Brown says,

[00:03:57] you know, a shame when you own it and you go, oh, whoops, laugh that then it goes away.

[00:04:04] The final thing about feedback is that, you know, you can actually target feedback. I mean,

[00:04:11] you could ask for feedback. If somebody gives you feedback, you can say, you know, and they

[00:04:17] don't give you the feedback you need, you can say, oh, thanks so much for telling me that. But

[00:04:22] actually what I really want to know is this, you could actually ask for the feedback that you need.

[00:04:29] And I think that's that's talk about taking your power back. You know, I really really glad

[00:04:35] that you liked that episode about this, but I really want to know about the episode about this

[00:04:41] because I was really trying to get this done. Did you did it land on you that way or did

[00:04:45] it not? And so you can really get the feedback that is going to match for goals for the future.

[00:04:50] And that's really taking your power back strategically and resourcefully.

[00:04:56] Ask for what you need. That's amazing. The opportunity to ask for what we need. Yeah,

[00:05:06] I mean, and, you know, always, I mean, I think bottom line with feedback,

[00:05:12] and I'm going to go back to my first one is it's not about you. Yeah, and you get to

[00:05:16] decide how you interpret that feedback. Yeah, you really do.

[00:05:23] There was a point in the book about compliments.

[00:05:30] That, you know, it wasn't like a surprise to see, but it was like a delightful thing to see about

[00:05:37] compliments. And there was a great quote, I think from your mom that started that

[00:05:44] chapter. So I think you need to share that quote. I do. And my mother always says, and I told her,

[00:05:52] mom, you're quoted in the book. She's she just turned 90. So she's very excited to be quoted.

[00:05:58] When someone's giving you a compliment, never interrupt. I mean, seriously, think about it.

[00:06:07] We don't, we lock up. We don't know what to do when someone gives us praise. We don't know what to do.

[00:06:15] I mean, we want it. I mean, again, I go back to the core wound. I am not enough. Well, if you get

[00:06:21] a compliment, you are enough. You're more than enough. You're getting a compliment. And so I,

[00:06:26] and I struggled with compliments. And again, because I was, I, because I interpret any

[00:06:33] kind of feedback as criticism. So of course, you know, that person is probably not going to take

[00:06:39] a compliment. And I know I'm not alone. Think about when you give people compliments. They bat him away

[00:06:46] like a skilled tennis player. And so is it just that we, it's input for us that doesn't jive

[00:06:56] with how we think? Well, I think there's, there's props in my book that will help you to dive

[00:07:03] into that. I mean, it could be that a, I don't believe it. Yeah. It could be that they're, you know,

[00:07:11] I don't believe it. They're just being nice. It can be that's not the compliment I wanted.

[00:07:16] And are, you know, are they, is that, you know, is it, is it kind of, are they dissing me? I

[00:07:22] mean, like you start to interpret it in all sorts of ways. And it just gets to be you go

[00:07:28] down a terrible road, or you think that you dodge it and then you compliment the person back.

[00:07:34] So you don't even receive the compliment. Yeah. Cause it's, yeah, it's, it's, it's, it's, and also

[00:07:40] we're not supposed to, we're not supposed to, you know, take up too much space. God forbid

[00:07:45] that we would actually acknowledge that we look nice in the dress that the person just complimented.

[00:07:51] I mean, if there's all sorts of reasons and I do, I do a whole inquiry about your relationship to praise

[00:08:00] in the workbook, which is really interesting. But I do want to share, you know, an incredible trifecta

[00:08:08] that one of my colleagues Tricia Bollander gifted me and she's allowed me to use it.

[00:08:14] When you accept a compliment, there, it's a three-part process. First, you provide the praise, a safe place

[00:08:23] to land by literally catching it and saying thank you. The second thing is that you receive

[00:08:32] the praise with gratitude and just let it, like take it in, let it, let it flow over,

[00:08:37] like it's sparkly, like confetti. Just let it flow over. You just receive it. You say thank you.

[00:08:44] You let it receive, you know, let it land and kind of flow over. You like confetti. And then the third

[00:08:50] part is to celebrate that this is your light out in the world. People are seeing you for

[00:08:59] whatever their compliment, maybe they complimented you on that amazing podcast you did or that

[00:09:04] incredible program that you ran or that lasagna you made or the way that you, you,

[00:09:14] you know, whatever it is. Yeah. Purpose straight perhaps. No, I mean, I think, you know, hard

[00:09:20] things like, you know, people have complimented me on letters I've written to them about, you know,

[00:09:26] a sympathy letter. That's a nice, simply sympathy letter I've ever received. Well,

[00:09:31] that's a really nice compliment. Thank you. Wow. I'm so glad that it landed on me that way.

[00:09:39] Thank you. Oh, that's such a great example of grace. It is because, because when you don't

[00:09:46] accept someone's compliment, that's like throwing a gift back. Yeah. Yeah. We have to receive,

[00:09:52] you know, it's easy to get. I've got to receive. Yeah. And I've really, it's still a practice,

[00:10:02] I will admit. It's still a practice that I have to catch myself. And I, all you have to say is

[00:10:07] thank you. That's all that's required is just thank you. And what's interesting is the other

[00:10:16] piece of compliments is that the things that are easy for us to do, we don't think of our superpowers,

[00:10:23] but others see the things that are easy for us to do and they admire it. This is, they have

[00:10:30] admiration for what we're doing. That's pretty cool. Someone sees something you're doing and

[00:10:37] they admire it. Wow, that's an album. Ooh, take it in. Yeah. Swim in it. Yeah. Okay,

[00:10:48] listeners, you got a great piece of advice there. Let's all take it in.

[00:10:55] Really? Go with it. Another quote that I loved was something I think you wrote about flying

[00:11:02] helicopters. Yes, yes, flying helicopters. The quote is and it, why would you fly your helicopter

[00:11:17] into a hurricane? I mean, what it really means is, I mean, we all have to go into environments

[00:11:27] that we don't feel safe in. Maybe it's a family gathering or maybe it's a meeting at work

[00:11:34] where you think, I'm not feeling good about this. And so I have a whole exercise and mindset

[00:11:44] perspective grounding in building the, creating the provisions and the mindset that you need

[00:11:54] before you enter a hurricane that you've, where you don't feel safe. What do you need?

[00:12:02] What mindset do you need? What core values are you going to take with you? What overall goals

[00:12:09] do you have? And sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do. So claim some core values

[00:12:16] that you're going to really hold with reverence when you go into that meeting. If you can get

[00:12:20] out of there still holding onto those core values, you're gold. And I mean, I always say,

[00:12:29] oh my goodness, I have to fly into a hurricane and it's true. I mean, sometimes helicopters do

[00:12:38] have to fly into hurricanes, but they make sure that they've got everything they need

[00:12:42] and they take the provisions. So always you do have the choice to fortify yourself

[00:12:49] with everything that you need to be completely authentically you and in integrity.

[00:12:56] Beautiful. And I like when you said, you decide what you want out of it. Like it's almost like

[00:13:04] I used to do this with myself when I would have my performance reviews where I would sit down

[00:13:10] with my boss and he would, I would say, okay, success for this meeting looks like

[00:13:19] how did I handle the review? Not necessarily. Did I get a 4.0, which I never did.

[00:13:28] But how did I handle it? And did I handle it with, as you said, the core value of perhaps,

[00:13:36] you know, openness, you know, some kind of way of looking at it and listening

[00:13:44] so that there was mutual respect by establishing what is important to me

[00:13:53] in that moment going into that difficult situation. Then I know, like you said, whether,

[00:14:00] you know, I get to choose how it, I look at it.

[00:14:05] Well, I mean, I always ask myself the question before I go into a situation,

[00:14:10] who do I want to be in this situation? I want to be the person that elevates the energy of

[00:14:17] the room. I want to be calm and collected. I want to have a goal. I want to get out of

[00:14:24] there feeling like I owned these three core values that I claimed. When you were talking about

[00:14:33] a, you know, a performance review, you know, I was thinking, gosh, that's feedback, isn't it?

[00:14:38] So the fact that maybe you didn't get five stars, well, feedback only tells you about

[00:14:45] that person's core value. So, you know, you get to choose like, okay, these are the things

[00:14:51] I want to get feedback on from him. So I want to know this, you know what I say, said, maybe it was

[00:14:56] a her, could have been a her. I want to, you know, these, I'm going to target the feedback I want.

[00:15:02] I want to know this and I want to know this and I want to know this. Those are the three things

[00:15:05] I want to come out knowing. Yes. Those are the things I want, those things I want to improve on.

[00:15:11] That's the vision I have for myself. That is right there. It's so good.

[00:15:18] You know, it's really about, I mean, I think about and you always get to choose again and

[00:15:24] go back to the Comcast. I seem to lose my patience on the phone with, I'm trying to talk to these

[00:15:31] poor people. I'll say, you know, I'm getting really impatient and I don't know if you're

[00:15:37] understanding it. I'm sorry if I was short with you. Let me ask again in a different way

[00:15:43] because I don't want to be that impatient, angry, snotty person. I don't know what I want to be.

[00:15:49] I was being her so let me ask again and they could say no. They could say no, you're horrible.

[00:15:58] You can say, you know, let me, I'm going to ask a different way and when you do that,

[00:16:02] you disarm people. They're like, oh, this person just called themselves out for their bad

[00:16:07] behavior. I mean, I want to follow the leader that apologizes. There's people that apologize

[00:16:13] enough. Gosh, I'm sorry I lost my temper. Let me ask again. So it's been a long day. That

[00:16:19] doesn't excuse my behavior. Let me ask a different way. Yeah, beautiful. So the last thing in

[00:16:30] that I'd like to cover in the episode is and I'm not going to say the Hawaiian name.

[00:16:34] I'm going to let you handle the Hawaiian name, but it's the healing words. We're so beautiful.

[00:16:40] Can you talk a little bit about that? I will. They are beautiful, aren't they? The healing words

[00:16:48] are a chant called ho-o-pono-pono and they are please forgive me. I'm sorry. Thank you.

[00:17:00] I love you. But before I go into how to do those healing words, I want to give you a context

[00:17:07] for why ho-o-pono-pono is in there. I have a section of the book and I think some people may

[00:17:15] just use this part of the book, the word book. It is a module all about healing past conflict.

[00:17:22] There's not any of us on this beautiful sphere that we live on that haven't experienced conflict

[00:17:29] and have regrets about it. Maybe it was something you did to somebody, maybe it was something somebody

[00:17:34] did to you and we always have, it's like a trunk, a junk, what we carry along with us.

[00:17:42] And the reframe, the idea of reframing is taking and harvesting, learning and finding peace

[00:17:49] and forgiveness. Joseph Campbell says that when, and I'm not quoting him exactly, but when you forgive

[00:17:58] you set a prisoner free and you realize that person was you. And I found when I was writing the

[00:18:04] workbook, you know, that I did this whole module and it's beautiful, but it was like unfinished.

[00:18:10] Like we needed, we needed a namaste at the end of it. And so the ho-o-pono-pono is that namaste.

[00:18:21] And it really means that it means to make right and establish harmony. It was a Hawaiian

[00:18:30] meditation that was, is ancient that shamans had and a clinical Hawaiian clinical psychologist,

[00:18:41] Dr. Len started it back. And I'm not sure in the years he started it, but it started, it had a

[00:18:48] rebirth and it is so beautiful. And it goes like this. So when you say forgive me, you ask forgiveness.

[00:18:57] And why not ask forgiveness? I mean, that's such a beautiful thing. You ask forgiveness, you take

[00:19:03] ownership for your part of the conflict. When you say I'm sorry, it's repentance. I mean,

[00:19:12] you believe I'm sorry. I whatever landed, I'm sorry that it landed on you that way.

[00:19:18] Thank you. You know, when we say thank you, you're just, you know, thank you for being in my life.

[00:19:27] Thank you for being on the, in the world with me. And then I love you. You lead with love.

[00:19:35] And you forgive me. I'm sorry. Thank you. I love you. And you repeat it over and over again,

[00:19:43] you know, seven, eight times. What I want to say about ho-oh-ponopono is that I have done it many,

[00:19:52] many times. And every single time I've done it at the end of it, I feel so much better, but more

[00:20:00] remarkably, more often than not, the issue that I have had with whoever the person is

[00:20:08] magically something happens where it comes back, where that person might call me or send me a text,

[00:20:14] or the next time I see them there's not an issue. I mean, it is, there's something otherworldly

[00:20:21] about it. It brings such calm to you that I just, I am so delighted to be able to include it.

[00:20:29] And I gave all, I bought like three different books and read them because I really wanted

[00:20:33] it's, this is not anything I made up, but it is somewhat magic.

[00:20:40] I encourage you if you do nothing else with the workbook, look up ho-oh-ponopono.

[00:20:45] How they will bring you such peace and calm and definitely lower your cortisol levels.

[00:20:52] Well, it's interesting when I think people pull from the workbook, right? And our questions,

[00:20:58] my questions for you were like things that jumped out at me, you know, like when I was reading your

[00:21:04] book and I went, oh, this is so good. I mean, there were so many things in there and

[00:21:13] we could go on for a couple more days.

[00:21:20] I love it, love it. I mean, how can I not love hearing this? But it also,

[00:21:25] there's something for everybody, I hope. There's something and I want your listeners to know

[00:21:32] that they don't have to use it in order. They can pull out different pieces that resonate for them.

[00:21:40] I think there's something for everybody and my hope is that this will be a companion guide

[00:21:46] to their lives that they can go in and use. I think this workbook can be,

[00:21:52] would be an incredible tool in the office. If you're struggling, I have a client that tells me

[00:21:59] that she goes in and she uses the masculine and the feminine balance response before she goes into

[00:22:06] meetings. Who do I want to be before I go into this meeting? If you have, if you're struggling with

[00:22:16] a review you've gotten, you can use the feedback. There's so many things that you can use again.

[00:22:22] What's so nice in the book too, you have the core values all listed out and

[00:22:29] we've talked a little bit about above the line and below the line and we covered a lot of that

[00:22:34] in our first episode. So I'll make sure that that's in the show notes so someone can go and

[00:22:39] check that out. And you've got that in the workbook. I mean it's just a complete,

[00:22:45] a complete work of art really. So congratulations on that. I'm gonna say thank you. I'm gonna take

[00:22:53] Diane and let her wash over me and just feel wonderful that you see that light. Thank you.

[00:23:01] Absolutely. So let's end our episode and we want to tell our listeners where they can get your

[00:23:08] book and how they can find you and follow you. Well my book, the name, claim and reframe a workbook,

[00:23:15] your path or your companion guide to a well-of-life is available wherever books are sold. It's

[00:23:21] being released April 30th and it you know when my book is also available too and if you like both

[00:23:31] of them you can you don't need the original book for the workbook but it's fun to have

[00:23:37] the context. You can find me at andriandewittadvisors.com. I am doing a whole series of what I'm calling

[00:23:47] NCR, name, claim and reframe theme salons where I do them once a month and they're themed around

[00:23:54] the different parts of the workbook and it's just I call them a midday mocktail for the

[00:23:58] mind. So come join us. I'm going to be doing speaking engagements and all sorts of cool

[00:24:04] stuff in the coming year. So thank you so much for having me on, you know. It was a pleasure.

[00:24:10] Wonderful to have you back and I'm looking forward to the next book.

[00:24:17] Thanks for being here. Thank you for listening today and we sure hope you enjoyed this episode.

[00:24:24] If you did please leave a comment wherever you listen to your podcasts, tell a friend about us,

[00:24:30] join our public Facebook group, Girl Take the Lead or visit our website girltaketheleadpod.com.

[00:24:38] We also have a YouTube channel where your subscription would be appreciated

[00:24:42] once you're on YouTube search at girl take the lead and we've recently expanded into

[00:24:48] YouTube music where you can find a video of this episode. So here's the three takeaways

[00:24:56] from this series. One, the nine core wound beliefs can help us outline our negative core beliefs

[00:25:05] and the personality we develop to compensate for those.

[00:25:10] Two, the people pleasing inner critic is rooted in fear and is focused on earning love.

[00:25:19] Three, we should remember what Andrea's mom had to say about accepting a compliment.

[00:25:27] Quote, when someone is giving you a compliment, never interrupt.

[00:25:35] Next week we have another guest and author, Amber Antevaros, another not to miss episode for sure.

[00:25:44] Amber's book is called Heal the Four Wondings, a Guide to End Discord and Discrimination.

[00:25:53] Amber's story begins with a near-death experience which altered her life forever.

[00:25:58] She recognized the limitation of traditional racial equity conversations

[00:26:04] and is innovating the way we think about unconscious bias,

[00:26:08] core wounds, and our happiness. Please join us again. Thanks for being here and talk to you soon. Bye.