Yo was super intrigued about the comment she would receive: “Don’t Take It So Personally!” Her go-to response was defensiveness. Perhaps you can relate? She went to the experts when it comes to emotional intelligence and emotions: Daniel Goleman author of the book, Emotional Intelligence, and Brené Brown, author of the book, The Gifts of Imperfection. Perhaps with their help we can all handle comments like this or others like it?
Here are the 3 Takeaways:
Instead of immediately becoming defensive or reactive, when someone says “Don’t take it So Personally”, let’s take a moment to pause, take a breath, and reflect on the situation.
Play your Empathy Card: consider the intentions and context of the other once our emotions are managed. No matter what, understand that a comment or criticism does not define our entire identity or worth. As Mentioned In The Episode:
Daniel Goleman, Emotional Intelligence
Brené Brown, The
Gifts of Imperfection.
Episodes About Bullying:
Ways to reach Yo:
Public FB group: Girl, Take the Lead!
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IG:
https://www.instagram.com/yocanny
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LinkedIn:
https://www.linkedin.com/in/yocanny/
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Fucking fantastic leader. Each week we explore Womanhood
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and Leadership and I'm your host.
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Yo, Kenny, has anyone ever told you don't take it?
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So personally, I have. And as I thought about it, I
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wanted to understand more about that comment.
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And the first thing I realized was that I was taking it rather
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personally which was a very interesting Discovery when I
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thought about the comment don't take it.
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So personally, I saw it one way alert time to be defensive.
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The person making the comment is trying to attack or belittle you
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by telling you not to be so emotional.
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How about you did you feel the same way when you heard it in
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episode 72, I mentioned this concept of taking things
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personally and Andrea main DeWitt.
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Our guests had an interesting take on it, she said it had
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something to do with emotional intelligence.
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So let's start there. I dug into the book, emotional
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intelligence. Why it can matter more than IQ
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by Daniel goleman? He First wrote, the book in 1995
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and then recently updated it in 2020.
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He is considered the go-to guy because he is credited with
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bringing the concept of emotional intelligence to the
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mainstream. He did pioneering research by
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drawing upon the works of psychologists who initially
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introduced the concept of emotional intelligence in an
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article in 1990 Gomen, expanded upon research that had been done
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and synthesized it into a cohesive framework and he
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integrated scientific findings from psychology neuroscience.
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And other disciplines to support his arguments and provide
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practical applications of emotional intelligence.
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So his approach, I found very well grounded, I'll also
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reference burn a Brown's book, the gifts of imperfection can't
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do an episode about emotions without including her.
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And just a reminder, I'll have all the links mentioned in the
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episode in the show notes and the three takeaways Plus what's
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coming next or always at the end of the recording this week where
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Also announcing at the end of this episode a new product.
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You might want to check out later this week so here you go.
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Enjoy the listen. So Daniel goleman's book offers
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us a three-level model for emotional intelligence.
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Those three levels, our brain chemistry, domains that emerge
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from, those circuits activities, and competencies that Depend on
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each domain he explains it like this first.
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There are the neural circuits at play.
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Particularly the dynamic between the prefrontal cortex, which is
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the brains Executive Center and the emotional circuitry,
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especially the amygdala, which triggers are upsets.
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On the one hand and gets us motivated on the other.
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The self awareness and self management, domains of E.
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I depend on this brain activity. Then separately, there are a
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suite of circuits in the forebrain that serve social
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functions like empathy and Attunement.
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That result from four domains self-awareness self-management
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social awareness and relationship management.
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And competencies like empathy and social skills largely emerge
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from activities of these social brain circuits.
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He states, there are 12 Chi Mei competencies that depend on one
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or another of these domains. So between the domains and the
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competencies, I think we'll get some understanding of the
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phrase. Don't take it.
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So personally 0 because we are all hardwired with brains that
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are emotional. Our emotions have been shaped by
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the course of evolution for over a million years.
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As Goldman says, quote, for Better, or For Worse, our
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appraisal of, every personal encounter, and our response to
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Do it, our shape not just by our rational judgments or our
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personal history but also by our distant ancestors passed each
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emotion. We have prepares the body for a
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different kind of response and quote.
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He also States, the emotional areas are intertwined connecting
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circuits to all parts of the neocortex, which is the thinking
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part of the brain. This gives the emotional centers
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immense power to influence the functioning of the rest of the
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brain including its centers for thought.
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And that's where we can see emotional, hijacking, remember
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Will Smith at the Academy Awards while we don't know exactly what
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happened for him. One could say, he certainly took
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the comments, very personally, and his actions were an example
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of emotional, hijacking. And those moments a center.
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In the limbic, brain proclaimed, an emergency recruiting the rest
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of the brain to it's urgent agenda.
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The hijacking occurs in an instant triggering this response
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before the neocortex. The thinking brand again, as had
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a chance to Glimpse fully what is happening.
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Let alone decide if it's a good idea.
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The Hallmark of such a hijack is that once the moment passes,
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Those possessed have the sense of not knowing what came over
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them. Perhaps Will Smith experienced
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some emotionally-charged memories that had the power to
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trigger this crisis response, which could have been outdated
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as a way to respond. Goldman says, quote one reason
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we can be so baffled by our emotional outbursts, then is
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that they can often date from a time early in our lives.
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When things were bewildering and we did not yet have the words
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for comprehending events. We may have the chaotic feelings
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but not the words for the memories that formed them and
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quote. So our brains can be very fast
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and sloppy. Because in a sense, we have two
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brains and two minds, the two different kinds of intelligence
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rational and emotional. And how we do life is determined
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by both. And Goldman says that to do
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well, in our lives means, we must first understand more
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exactly what it means to use emotion intelligently.
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So, here's some good news for those of us who wear our
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emotions on our sleeves, much evidence.
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Testifies, that people who are emotionally Adept, who know, and
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manage their own feelings and to read and deal, effectively,
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Other people's feelings are at an advantage in any domain of
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life, whether romance, and intimate relationships, or
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picking up the unspoken rules, that govern success in
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organizational politics. People with well-developed
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emotional skills are also more likely to be content and
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effective in their lives. Mastering the habits of mind and
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fostering their own productivity.
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People who cannot Marshal some control over their emotional
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life by Tanner battles. That sabotage, their ability for
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focused work and clear thought. The book shares that in recent
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years, a growing number of psychologists have come to agree
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with Goldman that IQ Concepts revolving around a narrow band
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of linguistic and math skills are outdated. and they are
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taking a wider view of intelligence that leads back to
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an appreciation of just how crucial personal or emotional
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intelligence is Here's a bit more about the domains he
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outlines. The first one is self-awareness
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which is knowing one's emotions recognized a feeling as it
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happens. And it's the Keystone of
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emotional intelligence people with greater certainty about
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their feelings are better Pilots of Their Lives.
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Having a surer sense of how they really feel about emotional
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decisions from who to marry or what job to take, brene Brown.
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In in her book, the gifts of imperfection offers us this.
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Sometimes our intuition or our gut tells us what we need to
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know other times. It actually steers us toward
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fact-finding and reasoning. As it turns out intuition may be
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the quiet Voice Within, but that boys is not limited to one
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message. sometimes our intuition Whispers, follow your instincts,
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Or other times it shouts. You need to check this out.
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We don't have enough information.
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She also says, quote, in my research, I have found that what
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silences are intuitive voice is our need, for certainty.
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Most of us are not very good at not.
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Knowing we like, sure things and guarantees so much that we don't
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pay attention to the outcomes of our brains matching process.
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For example, rather than respecting a strong internal
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Instinct, we become fearful and look for assurances from others.
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Like what do you think? Should I do it?
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Do you think it's a good idea or you think I'll regret it?
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What do you do? We start polling people because
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we don't trust our own knowing that's and quote.
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And here are some of the other domains from Goldman number to
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managing emotions, handling feelings.
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So they are appropriate in an ability that builds on
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self-awareness. These may include the capacity
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to soothe oneself to share, off-ramp it, anxiety, Gloom, or
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irritability. When someone tells you not to
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take something, personally, it might be an invitation to
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regulate our own emotions and avoid reacting, impulsively, or
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defensively. It could encourage us to
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consider the intention behind the comment or situation and to
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respond with greater emotional, resilience and self-control.
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Over three motivating oneself, which is marshalling emotions.
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In the service of a goal is essential for paying attention
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and for creativity, emotional self control, delaying
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gratification and stifling impulsiveness, underlies,
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accomplishment of, every sort, and being able to get into the
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Flow State and Mabel's outstanding performance of all
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kinds. Number for, recognizing
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emotions, in others. Empathy is a fundamental skill,
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people who are more, empathetic are more attuned, to the subtle,
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social signals that indicate what others need or want and
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five handling relationships. He states that the art of
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relationships is in large part, skill in managing emotions in
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others. And he States, these are
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abilities. That underpin popularity,
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leadership and interpersonal. Effectiveness.
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So I say, yay. Let's celebrate our emotions.
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So the next time someone says don't take it so personally you
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might say something like thank you for complimenting me on my
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emotions. A highly developed part of my
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brain that sometimes. Yes, overrides my thinking part,
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I work at recognizing my emotions and your comment
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brought up some fear on my part but I can manage that by seeing
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it and being aware of how I feel.
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I want to take in all you have to say, so let me have a moment
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to breathe, so I can listen with an open heart and mind.
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I wish I had known that script that I could have said many
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times in my life by taking a moment to breathe we can become
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more self-aware, allowing us to step back and objectively assess
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what the situation truly warrants.
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And if it warrants a personal reaction or if it is influenced
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by other factors. So what could be those other
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factors Perhaps, it's not about us, but about the other person's
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mood, personal issues miscommunication, or differing
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opinions, perhaps the other person, lacks empathy, which can
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happen when someone feels hurt offended or upset by something
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someone else said or did. And they are making a personal
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attack. They are intentionally insulting
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or belittling you. Using your character or
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undermining your abilities. It's natural to feel hurt and
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take it personally. Such comments are intended to be
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personal and it's reasonable to have an emotional response.
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And that's where your script can maybe pop in.
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Perhaps the person lacks genuine understanding of all the
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circumstances that did involve you kind of like your side of
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the story. Perhaps the comment is a form of
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gaslighting, which someone seeks to make you their victim and you
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question your own reality insanity.
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We are blamed for the way. Another person feels rather than
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owning their own feelings and emotions.
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And if you think it's a repeated pattern as in, you are
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constantly receiving negative feedback or criticism about a
00:15:45
specific aspect of your personality or worth tune, into
00:15:50
our episode 63 64 66, and 70 to about bullying.
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So if it's a repeated pattern, I say that continuous criticism
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can a road self-confidence create self-doubt and Trigger
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personalization of the feedback. There are options, others,
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offered in those episodes that might be helpful and burn a
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brown offers this about self-doubt and supposed to quote
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to overcome self-doubt, and supposed to, we have to start
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owning the messages about fitting in perfectionism,
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people-pleasing, improving ourselves.
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And look at questions, like What makes us afraid and what's on
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our supposed to do list who says that and why.
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Is the person making the comment too close relationship when
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comments or actions come from loved ones or individuals with
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whom we have a deep. Emotional connection is common
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to take things more personally. the opinions of those close to
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us, can have a significant impact on our emotions and
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self-perception And the topic could be sensitive.
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The person wants to discuss. Comments about sensitive topics,
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such as appearance insecurities past traumas or deeply held
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beliefs can easily be taken. Personally, these subjects are
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often tied to our sense of identity self-worth and can
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evoke strong emotional reactions.
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It's always good to take a moment to become aware of what's
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happening when someone says don't take it personally.
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Byron Katie judge-your-neighbor worksheet could be handy and
00:17:45
doing the turnaround, for yourself to see three other
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situations when you've not taken something personally, and write
00:17:53
them down to remind yourself so you can manage those emotions.
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It's also worth considering that sometimes people may mistakenly
00:18:02
take something personally, when it was not intended that way,
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communication can be complex and misunderstandings can occur.
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In such cases clarifying, the intention behind the comment or
00:18:19
seeking open dialogue. Can help alleviate the
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personalization for me, gotta say, getting feedback, for
00:18:27
example was personal, it's about me.
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So here's what I like to do, I like to buy myself some time to
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breathe. And bright so I can identify my
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feelings. Maybe do that
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judge-your-neighbor worksheet. So I work through the fear under
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the defensiveness. And when I'm in a good place, I
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can seek to understand and actively listen with questions.
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Like can you tell me more about what you just said?
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How do you feel about this situation?
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Can you clarify what you mean by that?
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Can you give me an example? What is the best way to approach
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this issue? How important is the issue to
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you? It also helps me assess the
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other person's motives and listened to my gut ultimately
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understanding. When to take something
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personally, requires self-awareness empathy, and the
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ability to differentiate between constructive feedback or
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disagreement and comments that genuinely attack our character
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or worth It's essential to find a balance between considering
00:19:43
feedback for growth and resilience and not internalizing
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everything as a personal reflection.
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And brene brown offers us this. If you look at the research,
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there are five of the most common elements of resilient
00:20:01
people. One, they are resourceful and
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have good problem-solving skills.
00:20:07
To they are more likely to seek help three.
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They hold the belief that they can do something that will help
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them manage their feelings and to cope, and for they have
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social support available to them.
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Five, they are connected with others, such as family or
00:20:27
friends. Think this is a good place to
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end our episode today. And I hope your netting out
00:20:35
where I am, which is son apologize for our emotions.
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We have them And most of us probably use them very
00:20:44
intelligently and that serves us very well.
00:20:48
So let's embrace them and honor where they came from.
00:20:53
Love it. Thank you again for being here.
00:20:57
Bye, thank you for listening today and we sure hope you
00:21:05
enjoyed this episode. If you did, please leave a
00:21:08
comment wherever you listen to your podcast.
00:21:11
Join our public Facebook group, girl, take the lead or visit our
00:21:14
website girl, Take the Lead pod.com.
00:21:17
We also have a YouTube channel where your subscription would be
00:21:20
appreciated once you're on YouTube.
00:21:22
Search at girl, take the lead. And here are the three takeaways
00:21:26
from today's episode 1 instead of immediately becoming
00:21:30
defensive or reactive. Like I always did when someone
00:21:35
says don't take it. So personally let's take a
00:21:38
moment to pause, take a breath and reflect on the situation
00:21:42
rather than feeling the surprise attack or threat.
00:21:45
We can try to approach the comment with an open mind and a
00:21:48
willingness to understand the other person's perspective.
00:21:52
Let's buy time If we need to to play the empathy card, consider
00:21:59
the intentions and context of the other.
00:22:02
Once our emotions are managed, recognized that the comment or
00:22:05
criticism may not have been intended to Target us.
00:22:09
Personally consider the context in which it was made, and the
00:22:13
person's intentions. Sometimes, people Express their
00:22:16
opinions or concerns without intending to cause harm or
00:22:20
offend. But if Our gut says this is
00:22:25
clearly an attack. Let's look at different options
00:22:28
and strategies to address the attack and three no matter what
00:22:34
understand that a Commodore criticism does not define our
00:22:39
entire Identity or worth recognize that our value as a
00:22:42
person extends, Beyond any particular comment, or situation
00:22:47
and love ourselves. And all our emotions that we
00:22:50
have, let's encompass, Them integrate them and find our
00:22:55
peace with them. Thank you Melissa for helping me
00:22:58
find those magnificent words because his book was recently
00:23:01
updated Goldman offers us some key insights into AI crying and
00:23:08
group or team emotional intelligence.
00:23:12
And I'll cover those in sound bites, a new series from girl,
00:23:17
Take the Lead, which will launch later this week, sound bites
00:23:21
will be very short episodes like under five minutes related to
00:23:26
topics recovering and will still keep the longer format as well.
00:23:32
Sound bites might also be moments of inspiration.
00:23:35
We can all use at times, so stay tuned.
00:23:41
Next week will continue to dig into emotions by exploring.
00:23:45
The book emotional agility. Get unstuck Embrace change and
00:23:50
thrive in work and Life by Susan, David PhD.
00:23:55
One of the things she references in her book is the book, The
00:23:59
Velveteen Rabbit by margarine Williams, which is one of my
00:24:05
absolute all-time favorites, maybe you remember it to, to
00:24:10
remember, it goes, Thing. Like, what is real asked the
00:24:15
rabbit one day when they were lying side by side near the
00:24:19
nursery Fender before gnana came to tidy.
00:24:22
The room, does it mean having things that buzz inside you and
00:24:26
a stick out handle You'll need to listen in to hear what the
00:24:31
skin horses back to The Velveteen Rabbit.
00:24:36
Thanks for being here and talk to you soon.
00:24:39
Bye.