Reflecting on Ep 63 about bullies, Yo wasn’t done and needed to go deeper to look at women who bully and along the way she learned more about the brain and shares a book she discovered, The Bullied Brain by Jennifer Fraser, PhD. This is a new book (published in 2022) and outlines ways the brain can be healed if you’ve been bullied.
The 3 key things to remember from the episode:
1. Competition seems to be a common feeding ground for the bully.
2. Perspective and history has a lot to do with how we experience a bully.
3. You can remember Dr. Moskowitz steps to erasing destructive pathways using the acronym MIRROR: Motivation, Intention, Relentlessness, Reliability, Opportunity and Restoration.
Links to references made in the episode:
The Bully at Work by Gary & Ruth Namie PhDs
The Bullied Brain by Jennifer Fraser PhD
Devil Wears Prada Video
Emily In Paris Video
https://workplacebullying.org/
https://www.youtube.com/user/BullyingInstitute
Forbes Article: “Women Bullied At Work: Here’s Why Your Female Boss Doesn’t Support You Independent Article: ‘Most days I would get home in tears’: Why do women bully other women at work?
Nice Girls Still Don’t Get the Corner Office by Lois P. Frankel
Other episodes mentioned:
Ep.63 The Bully Mindset
Ep.41 Mindfullness Meditation with Cynde at 32:43
Ep.38 Byron Katie Judge Your Neighbor Worksheet
Ep.64 Mobbing
Ways to reach Yo:
Public FB group: Girl, Take the Lead!
https://www.facebook.com/groups/272025931481748/?ref=share
IG: https://www.instagram.com/yocanny
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/yocanny/
00:00:05
Welcome to episode 66 of girl take the lead for each week.
00:00:09
We explore Womanhood and Leadership and I'm your host.
00:00:12
Yo, Kenny, if you listened in on our episode 63 about bullies,
00:00:17
you may remember some of the statistics, the workplace
00:00:21
bullying Institute offered us. If you were like me, you might
00:00:25
have been a bit bothered by them, particularly ones about
00:00:28
female bullies. And so I wanted to take a closer
00:00:32
look and see what others had to say about this.
00:00:35
In the process of my research, I found a book that talks about
00:00:39
the bullied brain, in fact that's the name of it by
00:00:42
Jennifer Frazier PhD. And I thought this book really
00:00:46
added to our discussion about how to heal the scars from being
00:00:50
targeted by bully. By the way, I'll have all of
00:00:54
these resources and the show notes, as well as a lot of the
00:00:57
references I make in this, Particular episode.
00:01:01
So check there if you want to find out more about them.
00:01:03
So thanks for being here and let's see what we can learn
00:01:06
together about this. Enjoy the listen.
00:01:11
As I reflect back on my career I can't say.
00:01:16
I had any women bosses, that bullied me, mine were men as you
00:01:21
heard in episode 63. In fact, the women I worked for
00:01:28
Or saw in the c-suite, were terrific leaders and I continue
00:01:32
to be in relationship with a lot of them today and some of them
00:01:36
are even listening to this episode and my hope is that I
00:01:41
didn't bully anyone, on the way up and I suspect I didn't.
00:01:47
I was such a people pleaser and I cared so much about what other
00:01:51
people thought about me and went totally out of my way to make
00:01:55
people happy, which I think of Be a topic.
00:01:58
Well, cover in a later podcast episode.
00:02:02
So let's review what we found in episode 63 and here's the
00:02:08
definition, we used from the book, The Bully at work by Gary
00:02:11
and Ruth. Namie presented in the episode
00:02:15
bullying at work is the repeated Health harming mistreatment of a
00:02:21
person by one or more workers that takes the form of verbal
00:02:26
abuse? Conduct or behaviors that are
00:02:30
threatening intimidating or humiliating.
00:02:35
Sabotage that prevents work from getting done or some combination
00:02:40
of the three. We also talked about the
00:02:43
workplace bullying Institute, the wbi and the research which
00:02:49
indicated the following The majority of bullies are men, 60%
00:02:55
men, 40% women, and they bully in public, female bullies.
00:03:02
However, Target other women 71 percent of the time.
00:03:08
While men Target, both men 54% and women, 46 percent of the
00:03:14
time. And women, mostly bully in
00:03:17
private. So, it's hard to find witnesses
00:03:20
and you're going to need to be a little creative.
00:03:22
I think, if you're trying to document a case, and just a
00:03:27
reminder that the bully is seeking to control a perceived
00:03:31
threat. One could take these points and
00:03:34
be distressed especially by the 71 percent, female bullies
00:03:38
targeting other women. I know I was, and I felt a
00:03:41
little bit like, boy. Then, I wonder if You did too.
00:03:46
I looked into the book. Nice girls, still don't get the
00:03:48
corner office by Louis P. Frankel PhD Jazz, a chapter
00:03:55
ragging on other women. She offers some reasons why
00:03:59
women react so strongly to the insensitivity of other women,
00:04:04
but we Overlook it and men and here's what she offered.
00:04:09
We expect women to treat us better than men treat us.
00:04:13
And when this doesn't happen, Creates cognitive dissonance or
00:04:18
discomfort with the expectation versus the reality.
00:04:22
Gotta admit I can get this way. I expect more from women than I
00:04:28
do from men. Have to be honest about that.
00:04:32
She also adds it's more socially acceptable to point out the
00:04:36
shortcomings of women then to do so.
00:04:39
For men that is unless you're a Madeleine Albright and what she
00:04:45
said which will go into in just a moment.
00:04:48
Lastly there is increased competition among women Bingo.
00:04:54
This is a theme. We'll learn more about from a
00:04:57
couple articles. I found here's the first one in
00:05:01
a 2024 Article, they stated that women who rise to the top often
00:05:06
take on a more aggressive leadership style in order to fit
00:05:10
in and survive and there's a name for it.
00:05:13
Toxic masculinity. It's when women model the
00:05:17
behavior of their male peers to leave successfully, they add
00:05:22
that women emotionally lose themselves or their character of
00:05:27
who they are at the core in order to fit in with some
00:05:32
Laters. And in this article, Korn Ferry
00:05:36
reported that about 25% of women, hold c-suite positions,
00:05:42
making the competition to get to the top very Fierce.
00:05:46
And that some of these women are determined to prove to men.
00:05:50
They're not like other women. As a result women, see
00:05:54
themselves as more driven and Superior than the other women
00:05:58
who haven't been successful in climbing the corporate ladder.
00:06:03
And instead of using their power to help women, they use it to
00:06:07
prey on those, they're intimidated by to keep them from
00:06:12
advancing. This, totally resonates with
00:06:15
what we found in episode 63. Women Target other women because
00:06:20
they feel threatened and insecure another article from
00:06:24
the Independent in the UK quoted.
00:06:27
Madeleine Albright who famously said, there is a special place
00:06:31
in hell for women who don't don't help other women.
00:06:35
And this article stated the following quote, Yet even in
00:06:40
2022, when this article was written, this sentiment of
00:06:45
Albright's, quote, feels utterly utopian, because that special
00:06:51
place is very real indeed, and it's filling up fast and quote,
00:06:58
have you heard of the queen bee syndrome?
00:07:02
Which is another term for a female bully?
00:07:04
I can remember hearing that term when I was working in cosmetics
00:07:08
in New. Orc and the 80s and I knew many
00:07:11
a queen, the term describes a female employee, especially in a
00:07:16
position of power who behaves in a hostel or condescending manner
00:07:20
towards other female employees. And I learned to stay clear, and
00:07:25
to duck when the staple guns are being hurled at doors, which
00:07:31
actually happened at a Cosmetic Company on 57th Street.
00:07:36
That I work for a New York. This, Also made the point that
00:07:40
because there are fewer women in senior leadership positions, in
00:07:43
competition is so Fierce. Some women think there isn't
00:07:47
enough space at the table and therefore are Keen to fight for
00:07:51
what they deem is their rightful seat over and above another so
00:07:57
much for Sheryl sandberg's lean in, can't lean in if you can't
00:08:02
get to the table. So these articles help us
00:08:04
understand more about where the bully comes from but I had a few
00:08:08
couple questions. Questions, as I watched Emily
00:08:11
and Paris a series mentioned in one of these articles.
00:08:15
And if you've seen that Netflix show, I found myself asking, was
00:08:20
Sylvie, a bully. She's a character in the show
00:08:25
like Miranda Priestly in The Devil Wears Prada.
00:08:30
In case you need a reminder, here are some of the memorable
00:08:33
moments from Miranda Priestly. Where are the belts for this
00:08:38
stuff? Why is no one ready you have no
00:08:42
style or sense of fashion? Well, I think that depends on
00:08:49
what your no. That wasn't a question.
00:08:52
They're showing a lot of florals right now.
00:08:54
So I was thinking I'd morals for spring groundbreaking.
00:08:59
There are some reason that my coffee isn't here as she died or
00:09:03
something. The myself, go ahead.
00:09:09
Take a chance, hire the smart fat girl.
00:09:14
However, that blue represents millions of dollars and
00:09:18
countless jobs. And it's sort of comical.
00:09:21
How you think that you've made a choice that exempts you from the
00:09:24
fashion industry? When in fact you're wearing a
00:09:27
sweater that was selected for you by the people in this room.
00:09:31
From a pile of stuff. If you don't go I'll assume
00:09:35
you're not serious about your future Runway or any other
00:09:39
publication. Okay, so what do you think?
00:09:46
Could Sylvie and Miranda be bullies.
00:09:49
They certainly fit the definition verbal abuse contact
00:09:54
or behaviors that are threatening intimidating or
00:09:57
humiliating and Sylvie. Love to sabotage, Emily's work.
00:10:03
I'd also offer this Sylvie and Miranda and I suspect other
00:10:08
bullies like them try to detect what their targets are attached
00:10:13
to and then attack like attachments to being liked being
00:10:20
competent, being respected or appreciated.
00:10:23
They can almost sniff it out. So what was it about Emily and
00:10:29
Andy who reported to these women that help them survive their
00:10:35
situations? Could they have been attached to
00:10:39
something different than what Sylvia Miranda thought they
00:10:42
cared about our perhaps their belief system allowed them to
00:10:46
see, more sides to the story and come to the conclusion that if
00:10:50
they had Sylvie or Miranda's history and background, they'd
00:10:55
act the same way. Certainly in the movie and
00:10:58
series they'd come to understand more sides to the bully story
00:11:03
and seem to have empathy for a Sylvia Miranda.
00:11:06
I know I did. How about you did you grow to
00:11:09
like these characters to perhaps Emily and Andy saw it as a game.
00:11:14
A competition they were in and they were going to win on their
00:11:18
own terms or just walk away from it.
00:11:22
And by the way, Emily and Paris offers some great examples of
00:11:25
mobbing, which we covered in episode 64 when the staff tries
00:11:29
to spit her out and get her back to America.
00:11:34
I often felt with my own female managers if they won, I want it
00:11:39
was important to collaborate and further their goals.
00:11:43
If I did that then we all want, I always thought it important to
00:11:49
make my managers look good. Perhaps that was my
00:11:53
people-pleasing kicking in which will as I said, will be a topic
00:11:57
for another episode. When I was being bullied I did
00:12:02
not see any possibility of collaboration and forget about
00:12:06
Byron. Katie judge-your-neighbor,
00:12:08
worksheet, I was darn sure. My bully was a bully and it was
00:12:14
sure true. And that I needed to flee.
00:12:19
I did not feel safe. It seemed more than just a
00:12:23
belief. It seemed like I was hardwired
00:12:26
in some way because my response was so To flee, like, escaping
00:12:32
the conference room. As you might remember, from that
00:12:35
episode 63 note that process involved.
00:12:40
Then I found this book. The bullied brain, heal your
00:12:43
scars, and restore your health and I finally get it.
00:12:49
The book is written by Jennifer Frazier PhD and involved input
00:12:54
from dr. Michael Myrna, Resnick professor
00:12:58
emeritus, UCSF F and the founder and president of the brain,
00:13:03
plasticity Institute. The book is filled with
00:13:07
scientific research and States, quote due to the bullying and
00:13:12
abuse, the neural network for anxiety, irrational, thought
00:13:17
patterns, and defensive reactivity is your default.
00:13:23
Any little event that throws you off.
00:13:26
Means you instantly find yourself pulled into the
00:13:30
default, the anxiety path of lashing out in other.
00:13:36
If your brain has been so bullied and abused that it has
00:13:41
developed, a very defensive aggressive panicking, neural
00:13:45
network where it has become hyper-vigilant and flies off the
00:13:50
handle at the least provocation. Then it's because you keep
00:13:55
firing up and wiring in the neural network.
00:14:00
Your brain has used those reactive behaviors to keep you
00:14:05
safe. For so long that your brain has
00:14:08
gotten really good at it. This angry aggressive, repeat
00:14:12
practice has shaped your brain. Huh?
00:14:18
So I had to thank were there earlier episodes in my life,
00:14:21
besides the one I shared about him, episode 63, that had
00:14:25
solidified, my neural pathway. So all I could do was fully and
00:14:31
I know the answer was, yes. I grew up with verbal Wars
00:14:36
between parents, excessive drinking and acting out
00:14:39
physically which included the occasional bouncing against the
00:14:43
wall, like rag dolls. My sister, and I learned to walk
00:14:47
on eggshells and probably, like many of you check the emotional
00:14:51
temperature of the room. So there you go neuro Pathways
00:14:56
defined pretty early. Avoid the bully in the room run
00:15:01
for safety. No wonder.
00:15:02
I ran from the conference room and episode 63.
00:15:08
We listed all kinds of strategies steps, things not to
00:15:10
consider and different resources.
00:15:14
This book, The bullied brain offers a path to change the
00:15:19
neural network, they make the point that by strengthening your
00:15:23
brain can act as an effective antidote to the bullying and
00:15:29
abuse. Because the common sense says
00:15:32
that the body once it's healed from abusive individuals and
00:15:38
their removed that we should get well, but research says it's not
00:15:44
just our brains pain. Can linger and do devastating
00:15:48
damage neuroplastic approaches to Healing, require the active
00:15:54
involvement of the whole patient, not just the body, so
00:15:59
it's the mind brain. And body.
00:16:02
The good news is that we can Target brain training by
00:16:06
intensifying mindfulness practices and dr.
00:16:09
Moscowitz offers a step-by-step practice in this book to race
00:16:14
destructive maps and redraw them so that we can restore our
00:16:18
health and happiness. He removed his own chronic pain
00:16:23
and was successful with many other sufferers after he taught
00:16:28
them that they can redraw there. Brain map by doing the following
00:16:34
motivation, you must actively visualize that you deserve to
00:16:40
heal. Even though the bullying sends a
00:16:42
message that we're not worthy, One idea offered is creating
00:16:48
your own, empathetic coach, a talent Whisperer who believes in
00:16:52
you can unconditionally and with great compassion.
00:16:57
I know I have one and I talk to her every couple weeks,
00:17:00
absolutely need that empathetic coach intention, focus on
00:17:06
harnessing, your mind to change your brain.
00:17:10
Even if there are setbacks, are you take two steps forward and
00:17:14
one step back? Okay.
00:17:17
And doesn't change your intention, the brain learns by
00:17:21
making mistakes. So let it learn and stay crystal
00:17:24
clear on your intention to heal your scars and restore your
00:17:29
help. Relentlessness Be Like a Warrior
00:17:34
fighting against the odds as soon as we begin to feel pain
00:17:38
shame or other associations with the abuse, we need to push back
00:17:43
with everything we've got and what we've got is unprecedented,
00:17:49
neuroplasticity research shows only intense, Focus succeeds to
00:17:54
change brain Maps, stay laser focused, next is reliability.
00:18:01
T. Our pain system evolved to
00:18:05
protect. It's not the enemy so we need to
00:18:09
trust it signals and work with it.
00:18:12
The emotional and physical pain. You may have felt in The
00:18:15
Bullying Paradigm was wired into your brain because Evolution was
00:18:21
ensuring, you remembered the threat and the danger and steer
00:18:26
clear of it. So honor our pain protection and
00:18:31
let go with the power of your mind to remap how you see and
00:18:36
experience the world. The next they offer is
00:18:40
opportunity, each hit of pain. We you see as a gift especially
00:18:46
within the context of being able to ultimately stop it.
00:18:51
The capacity to change your mindset and thus your brain
00:18:55
chemistry. Our mind.
00:18:58
Brain body are a powerful Triad that can March you right out of
00:19:04
the cage of learned helplessness or being a victim, you can
00:19:10
unlearn limiting beliefs, and destructive habits, and we did a
00:19:14
little work with that with Byron Katie, previously, I'll put that
00:19:19
into the show notes for you. The next they offer is
00:19:24
restoration, we need to be responsive, not reactive
00:19:30
mindfulness, practice strengthens the neural.
00:19:33
Networks that allow you to respond to situations and to
00:19:37
others without getting triggered and stress.
00:19:41
Approach your pain. This way you are not fighting
00:19:45
the pain, you are not fleeing the pain.
00:19:49
You are not freezing. When faced with the pain, you
00:19:53
are restoring healthy whole integrated brain function by
00:20:00
activating at will your parasympathetic nervous system?
00:20:06
The Deep calming breaths and the Oh ization communicate from your
00:20:13
mind to your brain and body that you are safe protected.
00:20:20
Our guests, indeed Ensign demonstrated.
00:20:23
This in episode 41 when we were talking about the Imposter
00:20:27
syndrome, and I'll leave in the show notes, we're in that
00:20:30
episode, you can hear more about the mindfulness practice that
00:20:34
she offered us. I think this could be a good
00:20:38
place to end today's episode. And here are three things, I
00:20:42
hope you'll remember about the female bully. 1 competition
00:20:48
seems to be a common thing. Any ground for the bully too.
00:20:55
Perspective and history has a lot to do with how we experience
00:20:59
a bully and three, you can remember, dr.
00:21:03
Moskowitz's steps to erasing destructive.
00:21:06
Pathways using the acronym mirror M for motivation.
00:21:13
I for intention are for relentlessness are for
00:21:18
reliability, 04 opportunity and are for restoration.
00:21:24
I sure hope you enjoyed this episode and I've come to
00:21:27
understand more about the female bully and see, there are
00:21:30
options, many different kinds of options as to how we react to
00:21:36
them and how we can definitely heal.
00:21:39
So, things are being here. Bye.
00:21:45
Thank you for listening today and we sure hope you enjoyed
00:21:47
this episode. And if you did, please leave a
00:21:50
comment wherever you listen to your podcast.
00:21:53
Join our Facebook group girl take the lead or visit our
00:21:57
website girl, Take the Lead pod.com.
00:22:01
We also have a YouTube channel at girl take the lead and I ask
00:22:06
you to subscribe right now. I have 60 subscribers and I need
00:22:12
10 in order to do custom thumbnails for my videos.
00:22:19
So if you could help me and subscribe, that would be great.
00:22:24
You can also email me at yo, at yo, canny about anything,
00:22:28
especially anything. You've heard in this series
00:22:31
about bullying. I'd love to hear from you next
00:22:35
week. We'll be covering numerology and
00:22:37
Leadership with dr. Veronica de la, Rosa as part of
00:22:42
the episode, she'll talk about how numerology can help leaders
00:22:46
and teams. I've sent her my birth date and
00:22:50
my maiden name for her to decode my numbers.
00:22:54
So you can see what it would be like if you had yours done and
00:22:58
she'll tell us about my different energies and how they
00:23:01
relate to me as a leader. And we're going to know this at
00:23:04
the same time because I won't know in advance.
00:23:07
I got to be honest. I'm feeling a little nervous
00:23:09
energy right now. Anyway, hope you'll listen in
00:23:14
talk to you soon. Bye.
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