Reflecting on Ep 58 about Apologies, Yo takes the topic of bullying further by researching the topic. She found two books: The Bully at Work by Gary & Ruth Namie PhD, and A**hole Survival Guide by Robert Sutton, a Stanford professor. The book title is actually different that A**hole but we don’t want to label the podcast as explicit so kept it clean but you get the drift.
These authors offer us lots of learning that might help you or someone you know that is dealing with a bully or has dealt one in their life.
This episode covers the following topics and offers research from the two books:
· Who are bullies
· What tactics bullies use
· What happens to Targets
· Ways Targets can release anger
· Why bully behavior happens
· Strategies for coping with a bully
Yo brings her experience in this area and offers her own words of wisdom.
Links to references made in the episode:
The Bully at Work by Gary & Ruth Namie PhDs
A**hole Survival Guide by Robert Sutton
Dinosaur Video
https://workplacebullying.org/
https://www.youtube.com/user/BullyingInstitute
Ways to reach Yo:
Public FB group: Girl, Take the Lead!
https://www.facebook.com/groups/272025931481748/?ref=share
IG:
https://www.instagram.com/yocanny
LinkedIn:
https://www.linkedin.com/in/yocanny/
00:00:07
Welcome to episode 63 of grilled Take, the Lead were each week,
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we explore Womanhood and Leadership and I'm your host yo
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Kenny. So I was reflecting on episode
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58 about apologies and I thought bullying was a topic we could
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really dive into. So I found two books, one's
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called the bully at work. Work by Gary and Ruth Nami and
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their phds and there's the a whole Survival Guide by Robert
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Sutton a Stanford. Professor, the a whole Survival
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Guide is actually a little different than ale but I didn't
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want to label my podcast as explicit, which I would have to
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do if I use the original title. So I'm keeping it clean but I
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think you get the drift. These authors offer us lots of
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learning that I found very helpful and if you know someone
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or you were bullied yourself I hope that you'll find it helpful
00:01:12
as well. I had encountered two episodes
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in the workplace. Both in both cases, the bully
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was senior to me and had more power.
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And in both cases, I saw Suffered, I really suffered.
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So I found that some of the distinctions that these authors,
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give us might be helpful to you, and they were certainly helpful
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to me to help me understand the full picture.
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So I hope you'll enjoy the listen and learn as much as I
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did on how to recognize being bullied.
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And here are some helpful strategies when dealing with
00:01:57
bullies. Here you go, enjoy.
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The listen, Gary, and Ruth Nami State early on, in their book,
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The Bully at work the following quote much of the pain.
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We feel comes not from that single missed opportunity but
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from beating yourself up over, not taking significant action to
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right a wrong and and you know I can see that.
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I can still feel an incompleteness that I never got
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a chance to voice my indignation with my oppressor, in my case, I
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can see I didn't get a chance to right the wrong, you know, to
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ask for an apology. But I can now by sharing my
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story with you and perhaps there will be some strategies you can
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use to. They also add the following
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quote. The fact is that it was your
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employer who set the stage for the bully to operate as a loose
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cannon. Bailed to constrain him or her.
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When told about it. And made you fend for yourself
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isolated at work, the true culprit is the employer and you
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never could have taken on that reform tasks alone and quote.
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Whoa, in my case, both my bullies were solidly endorsed by
00:03:33
upper management. And when discussed with my
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manager told to just get along, yo, he's a great.
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I well not in my book, they weren't here's the definition.
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The nami's provide bullying at work is the repeated Health
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harming mistreatment of a person by one or more workers that
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takes the form of verbal abuse conduct or behaviors that are
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threatening intimidating or humiliating Sabotage that
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prevents work from getting done or some combination of the
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three, they call perpetrators bullies and those on the
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receiving end our targets. So much better than being called
00:04:26
a victim and they give good reasons for that language in the
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book, they call bullying psychological violence.
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That prevents the target from performing work.
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Well, it's a kind of withholding of resources that the target
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requires to succeed in the workplace.
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I'm boy, that was my case for sure.
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One of my bullies was doing everything to make themselves.
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Look good. And me, humiliated, here are
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some findings. You may find of interest to
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based on a survey conducted by the workplace bully Institute,
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which we'll call wbi for the rest of the episode and zogby
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International in 2007. Mind-blowing is that they found,
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37 percent of American workers, have been bullied at work and
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about 12% have witnessed bullying but hadn't experienced
00:05:26
it firsthand. So, nearly half of adult
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Americans are affected by it and mail, bullies prefer public
00:05:36
bullying 57.8% then female bullies who do it at 48. 8.6%
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mine was clearly out in the open.
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Female bullies preferred to abuse behind closed.
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Doors 47.2% in the survey and males were 38.3%.
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The majority of bullies are men 60%, and the majority of targets
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are women 57 percent female? Bully is Target.
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Other women 71 percent of the time.
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And males Target, both men 54% and women 46% and here are some
00:06:21
other interesting stats from the survey.
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The percent of targets that quit 40%, the percent that get fired
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24% and the percent that are transferred 13% and only 23% of
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the time, the bully is punished, I think there should be one more
00:06:47
category, Target toughs it out percent of targets that tough it
00:06:52
out, but we'll find a little bit more about that in a moment.
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In my two cases, I toughed it out probably because I wasn't a
00:07:02
direct report to one and in the other, I was fired.
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So I fall into that 24%. Also, in my case, I did not go
00:07:14
to HR kind of knew intuitively. It would not be safe to do so.
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So I reported my experience to my manager and then his manager
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told me get along because he's a good guy.
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In the other case, HR was collaborating with the manager,
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I had to get me fired. So I was definitely on my own.
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Well, learn more about this in a moment in the research, the WB I
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did when targets did report. The problem 62 percent of the
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time employees. Made it worse, or did nothing?
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I must have sensed this would happen to me too.
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Okay, so according to the survey, most targets endure
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stress in silence, like I did, and here are the numbers. 40%
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did not tell. 38% made an informal internal complaint, 3%
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sued, but probably found out, like I did that.
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If it's not specific to me, then you don't have a case.
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Only 15% made a formal internal complaint and I should say that
00:08:33
that percentage about suing was with a lawyer we contacted but
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other lawyers and other states might have different points of
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view. So, We'll talk some more about
00:08:46
whether you take an action to fight back or not interesting.
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The survey showed 73% of bullied targets, endured bullying for
00:08:59
more than six months and 44% for more than a year boy.
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Based on those statistics, I'm sure it's not surprising to you.
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When the name is say quote, Quote based on these statistics,
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I'm sure it's not a surprise to you when the nami's say quote
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Target silence and shame coupled.
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With the permanence of human aggression probably ensure that
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bullying will never be completely stopped and quote In
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another survey that the WB I did in 2003, they listed the top 10
00:09:44
bullying tactics as one blame for quote errors, too.
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Unreasonable job, demand. Three criticism of ability.
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For inconsistent compliance with rules 5, threatens job loss. 6
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provides insults and put-downs 7 discounting or denial of
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accomplishments. Eight exclusion.
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I seen out some nine yelling screaming and 10 stealing
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credit. The Nami state that Bullies Are
00:10:28
workplace politicians. That's interesting, isn't it?
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Their goal is simple to control the people, they target.
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I hadn't seen it like that before.
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So this I thought was very interesting in a section called
00:10:45
origins of bullies. The nami's offer us this quote,
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it is absolutely critical that the target not ruminate about
00:10:56
the bullies motivation. It's not easy when flooded with
00:11:01
emotions all - that beg, the answer to the question.
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Why did he do what he did? You can't believe someone can be
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that cruel. In fact, they can often be so
00:11:17
cruel. Searching for the answer can
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prove elusive it's a waste of your time and quote I found that
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very helpful because I was always looking at.
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Why did I do something? Is it me?
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You know, so as good to hear that, they also said this Quote,
00:11:42
they have allies. We call them executive sponsors
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and they're willing to block punishment for malicious
00:11:50
behavior. If they are ever exposed the big
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bosses, think the bullies can do no wrong.
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Target's have a hard time being believed for this reason.
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And quote according to the wbi survey bullies have the
00:12:09
following support executive or senior manager, 43% Pier 33 % HR
00:12:21
14 percent and this one even the target Spears 10%.
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Huh boy, that's too much, isn't it?
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So if we're not likely to be believed but emotions show up,
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maybe self-blame anger sadness and shame.
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Like those were definitely my emotions.
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Maybe you even begin to believe what the bullying is saying
00:12:52
about you. mmm, and Bullies, when when targets accept
00:12:59
personal criticism, as if it has a kernel of Truth in it, So I
00:13:06
definitely let them win a few rounds.
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That's for sure, you know all or any of the emotions that come up
00:13:14
are reasonable. I think that's what we have to
00:13:16
remember. And then Amis offer the
00:13:19
following ways to release anger re-establish, your boundaries
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Use active listening to communicate your willingness to
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understand any problems. Calmly.
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Tell the person that she is the source of your anger.
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Exercise by running walking working out swimming and I'd add
00:13:42
yoga to the list, throw back your shoulders and arms.
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As you say, can't off my back and talk to friends family, a
00:13:53
professional or all of them to sort out your feelings.
00:13:57
And I would also say, do a lot of writing that was very, very
00:14:02
important for me. There was also, this, these are
00:14:06
the top reasons, bullied, individuals gave for being
00:14:12
bullied one. The targets refusal to be
00:14:17
subservient to not going along with being controlled.
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That was reported by 58 percent of the respondents.
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Number to the Target Superior. Competence are technical skills,
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reported by 56% I felt these two reasons were definitely.
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In my case, I'm like a bulldog that won't back down.
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My bully certainly didn't know much about marketing.
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A field I'd been in for a very long time and definitely I felt
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I had Superior competence. Then he did the other two
00:15:01
reasons given were three, the target social skills being
00:15:06
liked, maybe a Of attitude that was 49 percent and for ethical
00:15:13
honest reporting a Fraud and Abuse like a whistleblower type
00:15:18
Behavior. 46 percent of the time in the a whole survival guide
00:15:23
book by Professor Sutton. One of the things I really
00:15:26
liked, was the chapter on a whole avoidance techniques,
00:15:31
reducing your exposure, and it starts with don't engage with
00:15:36
crazy Maybe. As he says this, it's a good
00:15:41
starting place because I was not a direct report to one of my
00:15:45
bullies and I was able to do this and whenever I'd see him in
00:15:49
the hallway, he'd get that Chaves.
00:15:52
Look from me. I look crafted by my Hispanic
00:15:56
ancestry. I thought my dad's Chaves, look
00:16:00
could melt ice. So I learned that from him, and
00:16:05
my way it was my way of saying to this.
00:16:08
The person who is bullying me, I know who, and what you are.
00:16:15
You're not fooling me and I could keep a distance from him
00:16:21
and avoid at all costs. Here are some other strategies
00:16:24
Professor sudden offers ducking like, figuring out how to be
00:16:30
home or on the road when your bully is around or arrive late,
00:16:37
or arrived, Early for meetings, collaborative work or social
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Gatherings that you just can't skip.
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Slow the Rhythm, which is try to delay and deny your Tormentor
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reinforcement by waiting as long as you can, before you respond
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to nasty messages, and our phone calls.
00:17:01
Hide in plain sight, like wearing an invisibility cloak as
00:17:06
protective camouflage blend into the background, by saying, as
00:17:11
little as possible. Being boring doing work, that is
00:17:15
neither terrible or terrific and hiding behind a bland and blank
00:17:21
expression. I know for me, I would tune out
00:17:26
my friends, I developed a system will share it.
00:17:30
With you wear it look like I was taking lots and lots of notes
00:17:35
but I'd be writing myself code just in case someone looked over
00:17:40
taking the first letter of the sentence like for example, this
00:17:44
guy is a royal jerk so it would read t.g.i.
00:17:51
AR. And it sure made me feel better
00:17:54
and even smile when I would write my code during a meeting.
00:18:01
He also suggests get a human shield or bully blocker and this
00:18:06
could possibly be your boss. If you're lucky enough to have
00:18:10
one that gets it, I didn't our recruit a friend within the
00:18:16
organization. I I did have a fellow female
00:18:20
peer in my department, who I talked with She got it.
00:18:24
It was nice to have someone who understood and could watch out
00:18:28
for me in that area. Another suggestion was tag team
00:18:32
partners. One thing I did was that I
00:18:35
trained the male manager reported me to take on any
00:18:39
coordination, with the bully of needed, and the bully, by the
00:18:42
way, did not bully other men, so he wasn't In Harm's Way
00:18:49
established safety zones. Mine was closing my door to my
00:18:53
office and are taking a walk near by those were my safety
00:18:58
zones activate the early warning system I didn't have this but it
00:19:03
sounds good. It would have been nice to have
00:19:06
someone send an alert via phone call or message or email to help
00:19:12
you know that the bully is in. So before you decide to fight
00:19:18
back though, the Nami suggest. Chittering things not to do.
00:19:24
After you've discovered you were bullied.
00:19:28
So here's their list. Do not trust HR.
00:19:34
They work ver management and our management simple facts.
00:19:41
Do not ask for relief from the bullies boss.
00:19:46
This is the person who loves him or her most Do not, tell your
00:19:54
story from a purely, emotional injury, angle, it always scares
00:20:00
away, potential supporters, even family and friends.
00:20:05
Do not share your vamana stock, you mentation with anyone at
00:20:09
work, no one cares, as much as you do and in the wrong hands,
00:20:15
it can be used against you. Do not ask others.
00:20:21
Like HR Union reps management to make the bully, stop for your
00:20:27
sake, their interaction will disappoint.
00:20:30
You rather you will make the business case and ask them to
00:20:36
stop bullying for their own self interests.
00:20:41
Do not pay a retainer to an attorney until you've exhausted
00:20:46
cheaper alternatives to get your employer to take your complaint.
00:20:50
Seriously and lastly, they say Do not confide in anyone at
00:20:57
work, unless they have demonstrated loyalty to you in
00:21:01
the past. And right now, they also make
00:21:06
the point do not attempt bully busting.
00:21:10
Pain. Unless and until you are bully
00:21:13
proof. In the a whole Survival Guide,
00:21:17
Professor sentence says to consider this about fighting
00:21:21
back quote, make no mistake doing battle with a holes is
00:21:27
Risky Business. Once they notice your efforts to
00:21:31
stifle their rudeness or contempt, they can get Mighty
00:21:35
riled up and vindictive and take it out on you and quote.
00:21:42
He suggest that you think about three resources, one, how much
00:21:47
power you have or don't have like, in my case, I had very
00:21:52
little to how much documentation you have to avert a he said, she
00:21:59
said, situation and three do you have others United with you or
00:22:07
is your fight alone? He cites an interesting study
00:22:13
where have bullied employees banded together to fight back
00:22:17
Authority is punished 58% of the abusers and none of the bullied
00:22:23
employees. But when employees battled alone
00:22:28
only 27% of the bullies were punished and 20% of the bullied
00:22:35
employees were fired. All right, maybe that's where I
00:22:43
fell. So in the words of my daughter,
00:22:46
Emma's favorite, Disney movie dinosaur, the character Aladar.
00:22:51
When he's leading the herd to a safer route and comes
00:22:55
face-to-face with the Monstrous kind of tour.
00:22:58
He says, and you can hear the herd joining the roar to scare
00:23:05
off the candidate or like this. If we stand together I'll have
00:23:19
to link the video in the show notes in case you want to trip a
00:23:22
little trip down memory lane. So the nominees offer the
00:23:26
following three action steps to stop bullying and I'll add here
00:23:31
that you may do just steps 1 and 2 or just step one.
00:23:36
Each of us has to evaluate our situation in what works for us.
00:23:39
So I'd suggest Considering these but do what's right for you.
00:23:44
So step one name, it legitimize your self.
00:23:49
Educate yourself. You can check out the WBAI
00:23:53
website and I'll put that in the show notes for you naming and
00:23:57
acknowledging seems to be a theme.
00:23:59
We've encountered in previous episodes for sure.
00:24:03
Step to take time off and check in with yourself, mentally and
00:24:10
physically. And I did not do this.
00:24:14
I just kept working harder trying to think that if I worked
00:24:18
hard, maybe it would go away. Maybe there was some stubborn
00:24:22
Pride on my part that I wasn't going to give this jerk the
00:24:26
satisfaction of doing bad work, I was going to be valued as an
00:24:30
employee because of my work no matter what.
00:24:35
I don't know if I would do that again.
00:24:38
In this step to the Nami suggest checking out your rights as an
00:24:42
employee like the internal policies.
00:24:46
Remember the employer, our complaint Acres investigators
00:24:50
jury judge and executioner and they own the process.
00:24:55
They may unfairly brand you as a troublemaker which is what I
00:24:59
sensed in my case. So I kept silent.
00:25:03
You might also expect retaliation from the bully.
00:25:07
They can't stand to be exposed in step 3.
00:25:13
Exposed bullying. If you choose that path, make
00:25:17
the business case practice, what you'll say and deliver, if it
00:25:22
doesn't go your way and you find yourself banished, try to
00:25:26
remember once the shock of everything wears off, you are
00:25:31
controlling how you've left the place you were going to leave
00:25:35
anyway. You brought sunshine to the dark
00:25:37
side you, let your employer know what was wrong and you can go
00:25:43
He'll and make yourself safe in my case.
00:25:46
I didn't get the satisfaction of exposing the bully be on my
00:25:50
manager. But I'd like to thank the
00:25:52
universe to care of things for me.
00:25:55
And I did have a little smile when I heard that.
00:25:58
This guy was laid off in a reduction of force.
00:26:02
I can't say why, but maybe he wasn't such a good guy after all
00:26:08
and their senior Executives could protect him after all.
00:26:13
And one other side note, the boss that had me fired didn't
00:26:18
last long in his position either.
00:26:20
He was laid off less than a year later being fired.
00:26:25
Got me out of a very toxic situation.
00:26:27
And while it took me time to heal, I'm grateful for the
00:26:30
learning and was so grateful to be gone.
00:26:34
I'll end today's episode with this great quote from Hell.
00:26:38
Lancaster, who spent more than 30 years at the Wall Street.
00:26:42
Well, as a reporter editor, bureau, chief and columnist, he
00:26:47
said getting fired. Is Nature's Way to telling you
00:26:52
that you had the wrong job in the first place.
00:26:58
Thanks for being here and for listening, and I hope that you
00:27:03
feel better. If you've been bullied or being
00:27:07
bullied by understanding more of the Dynamics of what's going on
00:27:13
and making it less about you. Thank you for listening today
00:27:19
and we sure hope you enjoyed this episode.
00:27:22
If you did, please leave a comment wherever you listen to
00:27:24
your podcast and join our public face.
00:27:27
Book group girl take the lead or visit our website girl, Take the
00:27:33
Lead pod.com, you can also email me at yo-yo can e.com, I'd love
00:27:40
to hear from you and if you're going through some bullying or,
00:27:44
you know, somebody who is and I can help at all, please do not
00:27:48
hesitate to contact me. You know, my friend Mary, who is
00:27:53
The Listener? Shout out to you Mary, thank you
00:27:56
for listening. She's someone I share breakfast
00:27:59
with every couple weeks and she asked me how I selected my
00:28:03
topics and I told her Mary, I seem to just get on a roll and
00:28:08
they come to me, they just flow. So, you might be asking what's
00:28:13
coming after bowling, we'll have you heard of mobbing in my
00:28:19
research on bullies. I came across The term and said,
00:28:22
yep, that's happened to me too. And I wonder if it's happened to
00:28:28
others and don't have a name for it.
00:28:32
And we've learned that it's super important to have a name
00:28:34
for things to help us acknowledge what was going on.
00:28:39
Some mobbing, is when groups of people get together who
00:28:42
intentionally Target someone And kind of like the bully topic.
00:28:49
I'll have some rich examples in my old life.
00:28:52
I can share where this happened to me.
00:28:55
I'm sure grateful for the examples who knew that when I
00:28:58
was suffering along, they would come in.
00:29:00
So handy for these episodes. Plus, we've got some great
00:29:03
guests lined up through April, and there's so much more to
00:29:07
come. So, thanks for being here and
00:29:10
talk to you soon. Bye.