With Valentine’s Day coming up, join Yo Canny to explore Love and Kindness and what they have to do with leadership. She digs into all the Brené Brown and Jay Shetty books she can to see what they have to say on the subject. She takes a deep dive into Perfectionism and ends by looking at the question: “How do we give love?” She provides a poignant passage from Braving the Wilderness. It’s a journey of choosing love and leading with vulnerability.
Trigger Warning: We mention the Sandy Hook Elementary tragedy and if this might be triggering for you please skip 19:00-24:00.
Here’s some links for sources mentioned in the episode:
Kristin Neff Self-Compassion Scale
Jay Shetty What is Kindness?
Jay Shetty Random Acts of Kindness
Books covered in the episode:
Brené Brown Atlas of the Heart
Brené Brown Braving the Wilderness
Brené Brown Dare to Lead
Brené Brown Gifts of Imperfection
Jay Shetty Think Like A Monk
Jay Shetty 8 Rules of Love
Ruth Taylor Kindness & Leadership
Ways to reach Yo:
Public FB group: Girl, Take the Lead!
https://www.facebook.com/groups/272025931481748/?ref=share
IG:
https://www.instagram.com/yocanny
LinkedIn:
00:00:07
Welcome to episode 56 up girl, Take the Lead.
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Were each week. We explore Womanhood and
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Leadership and I'm your host. Yo, Kenny without Ines de around
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the corner, I had the question what might be the relationship
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to love and kindness to leadership?
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So, when I started to look at this question, I thought it
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might be a light-hearted effort kind of like the candy hearts
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are valid - we send, but as I dug into it, I was struck by the
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depth, the exploration of this question took.
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So we'll Begin by defining what love and kindness are and what
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gets in the way based on what brene brown, and Jay Shetty have
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to say on the subject. So, yes, I brought in the big
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guns and I reference all of Brunei Browns books, Jay
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shetty's newest eight rules of Love.
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They offer us some good stuff. As we look at the things that
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can limit us, Well, dig a Little Deeper at perfectionism figured,
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we might all relate to that pesky.
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Little driver will also End by looking at the question.
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How do we give love? And I promise to leave you
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inspired and with a feeling of connection around, 19 minutes to
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23 minutes, close to 24 minutes, Arie account, Ain't a passage
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from braving, the Wilderness by brene, Brown where she talks
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about the Sandy Hook Elementary drama.
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So I wanted to just alert you to that that if you're sensitive to
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that, you might want to skip it, okay?
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Thanks. So here we go.
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Enjoy the listen. So, let's Jump Right In and look
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at Brunei Browns, atlas of the heart and places we go.
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When the heart is open and she says, love is an emotion that
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we're capable of feeling in many different contexts from
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intimate, partner relationships, and family bonds, to friends and
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pets and I would add with coworkers.
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So there you go. I thought.
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Okay, good basis. Here.
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Step one and looking at leadership and she also added to
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the definition. We cultivate love when we allow
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our most vulnerable and Powerful selves to be deeply seen and
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known. And when we honor the spiritual
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connection that grows from that offering with trust respect and
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kindness. So let's also hear about
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kindness from um, Jay Shetty and he says, - to me, is any thought
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or action or word that you can do or take to make someone's
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day, and it could be tiny or it could be huge.
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So Brittany Brown also goes on to say that love is not
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something we give or get. It is something that we nurture
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and grow a connection that can be cultivated between two people
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only when it exists within each of them, we can love others.
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Only as much as we love ourselves.
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She says, shame blame disrespect betrayal and the withholding of
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affection and I would add perfectionism to that damage,
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the roots from which love grows. Love, can survive these
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injuries. Only if they're acknowledged
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healed and rare, So, in her book also, I looked at a dare to
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lead. And what was interesting in
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there was that she definitely looks at to love is to be
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vulnerable as she said in her definition and on page, 65 of
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the Air Force, manual written in 1948.
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It and it's a military document which talks about leadership
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with Mercy, kindness belonging and love.
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And she brings forward a practice of integration in this
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book, which is strong back. Soft front wild heart, and it
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was given to her by her teacher. She says, all too often, our
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so-called strength comes from Fear.
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Not love, instead of having a strong back, many of us have a
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defended run, shielding a weak spine, another words we walk
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around brittle and defensive, trying to conceal, our lack of
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confidence. If we strengthen our backs
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metaphorically speaking, and develop a spine, that's flexible
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yet sturdy. Then we can risk having a strong
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spine. That's soft and open.
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Mmm. So how can we give and accept
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care with strong backs off, right?
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Compassion moving past fear into a place of genuine tenderness.
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And she says, I believe, it comes about when we can be,
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truly transparent seen the world clearly, and letting the world
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see in to us for her that strong back, was grounded, confidence
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and boundaries. The soft front is staying
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vulnerable and curious. Mark of a wild heart is living
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out those paradoxes in our lives and not giving into the into
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either. It's showing up in our
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vulnerability, and our courage, and above all else, being both,
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Fierce and kind. So, let's also look some of the
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tips that she gives us in that particular book about
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vulnerability and being able to practice vulnerability.
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And she says, there's the old saying people don't care how
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much you know. Know, until they know how much
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you care. She says, one tip is to share
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your personal story. Don't leave it checked at the
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door or compartmentalised into your personal versus
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professional self. Gosh, I did that so much.
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I really thought there was a particular way I needed to be an
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and it wasn't much later in my career that I began to see heck.
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No, let's just be yo it's forget about this thing.
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I'm supposed to be She says that by sharing my story and my wife
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or leading, I helped my staff, understand my purpose, passion
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and commitment to courage, it also gives others permission to
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practice, vulnerability and to be brave and sharing, and owning
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their life Journey taught that in particular, was such a great
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thing to really look at in terms of vulnerability, you know?
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And there's things that I can say that I've seen.
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Happened like senior leaders, sharing their performance,
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evaluations, and sharing what they're working on and with
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their teams. So that their teams can support
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them as they support the team. I think that's terrific.
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I really do, it's not something that we need to look at as a
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form of weakness. She also makes the point, quote,
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when I lack self-awareness, as a leader.
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And what I'm not, Acted with the intentions driving.
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My thoughts, feelings and actions.
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I limit the perspective and insights that I can share with
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the people. I lead.
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Cool. Huh?
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And then her tip there was that you could use journaling and
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seeking feedback from others. And by doing that she says, I've
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been able to grow and refine my leadership skills in a way that
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is more responsive to my staff students and community.
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Spending time in quiet reflection has become part of my
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weekly practice. So even brene, Brown is working
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on this. Everybody has as things that
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they're working on and it's so great to get the feedback.
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I know that so many of us, I know, I just petrified the
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minute. I hear, oh, you need to get
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feedback but the more that we get feedback, obviously the
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better we can be also looked at her book, the gifts of
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imperfection, in her introduction to this book.
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She Wrote, I now see how owning our story and loving ourselves
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through that process. Is the bravest thing that we
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will ever do. I now see that cultivating a
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wholehearted. Life is not like trying to reach
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a destination. It's like walking toward a star
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in the sky, we never fully arrived, but we certainly know
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that we're headed in the right direction and she says ends with
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I now. See how How gifts, like courage,
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compassion and connection only work when they are exercised
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every day? So let's take a look at that
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perfectionism, because in the gifts of imperfection, she talks
00:10:02
a lot about perfectionism as being self-destructive.
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She says, quite openly that she's recovering one herself.
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And she states that to overcome perfectionism, we need to be
00:10:16
able to acknowledge our vulnerabilities to the universal
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experiences of Shame judgment and blame develop.
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In resilience and practice, self compassion.
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And she goes on to say that there are three elements of
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self-compassion self-kindness, which is being warm and
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understanding toward ourselves when we suffer fail or feel
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inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain or flagellating
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ourselves with self-criticism, There's common Humanity, which
00:10:53
recognizes the suffering and feelings of personal inadequacy
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are part of shared, Human Experience has something.
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We will all go through rather than something that happens to
00:11:04
me, alone. And mindfulness mindfulness is
00:11:09
taking a balanced approach to negative emotions.
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So that feelings are neither suppressed.
00:11:15
Nor exaggerated she offers one tip here that you can't Take a
00:11:21
self-compassion scale and I'll put the link in that in the show
00:11:26
notes. And it's called dr.
00:11:28
Neffs, self-compassion scale. I took it.
00:11:32
I think it was kind of cool to take and it gives you some
00:11:36
feedback on where you might be. And there's all these included
00:11:41
in that are some self-compassion guided practices and exercises
00:11:45
and it's totally free, that's something you might want to
00:11:47
check out. Jay Shetty offers this daily
00:11:52
kindness and that you might like to hear that as well.
00:11:56
Also, I looked at Jay Shetty again as another author who
00:12:02
brings us great insights and in his book, think like a monk
00:12:07
which we featured in our episodes before he makes the
00:12:11
point that kindness and gratitude are symbiotic.
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Which this means that if you're ever done anything for someone
00:12:20
else's benefit, you can easily recognize the effort and energy
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someone else gives to you. That is to say your own acts of
00:12:29
kindness, teach you that it takes to be kind.
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So your own kindness enables you to feel truly grateful Kindness
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teaches gratitude, kindness and the gratitude that follows has a
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ripple effect to keep the ego in check and not get lost in our
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own fantasies of greatness. When a monk is praised, we
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detach remembering that whatever we are able to give was never
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ours to begin with. To receive gratitude with
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humility start by thanking the people for noticing, appreciate
00:13:06
their attention, and their intention look for a good
00:13:11
quality in that other person and return the compliment.
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And he offers this gratitude visualization, Which are to
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think of three things. Others have given you perhaps
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one a small kindness to a gift that mattered or three something
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that makes every day a little better and he says close your
00:13:34
eyes. Take yourself back to the place
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and time to one of these acts and relive how it felt the
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site's sense and sounds re-experience with awe and
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experience. Those feelings in a deeper way
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and after this visualization he says you'll recognize that small
00:13:55
things are happening for you. Don't overlook them or take them
00:13:59
for granted and then he says, next take a moment to feel a
00:14:04
sense of being cured for thought of and loved this should boost
00:14:10
our self-esteem and self-confidence.
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Yay, but he reminds us that feeling great is not the end
00:14:17
goal. That really what we want are the
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Feelings that to reciprocate With Love by giving back to
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those who have given to us. So, I also looked at this little
00:14:32
book called kindness mindset in leadership and discover why
00:14:37
kindness matters for Effectiveness in leadership by
00:14:40
Ruby Taylor and one interesting point she makes is that the days
00:14:45
of being a tough leader are over.
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This style of leadership is too risky and close to aggressive
00:14:51
harassment and bullying of employees.
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This becomes an Institutional risk to allow leaders to lead in
00:14:59
this fashion Ian. And I always thought when I
00:15:03
started that, I needed to be tough.
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And again, I definitely found my way through that over the years,
00:15:12
but it was good to kind of read this and be reminded that
00:15:16
leaders in order to to look at this.
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They need to see that by exhibiting.
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Kindness is not perceived as being weak and that they won't
00:15:29
be exploited. Their weakness.
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The leader must be careful. That others.
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Do not practice, taking authority over them.
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As this is typically what others could do.
00:15:39
They also May perceive them as boring and not smart enough for
00:15:43
the job. People can sometimes perceive
00:15:45
that you are okay with anything and you get dumped with extra
00:15:50
work because you are nice and will not say no.
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And all cases, there must be a balance to prevent being taken
00:15:58
advantage of. Kindness is standing your ground
00:16:03
and not being manipulated. I thought that was pretty cool
00:16:08
and it kind of led me along to think about the point of
00:16:13
kindness being a journey and to meet people where they are with
00:16:18
kindness and respect and that we need to support that kind of
00:16:22
culture and keep an understanding that many people
00:16:26
are suffering. At any time.
00:16:30
So last I, when I mentioned that would look at Jay, shetty's new
00:16:34
book, it rules of love, he offers us.
00:16:39
Rule three witches before you think it feel it or say it, he
00:16:46
writes after we've overcome a challenge Together, We Grow.
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We learn to tolerate adjust and adapt.
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The growth that we do together, builds into trust, trust, begins
00:16:58
with ourselves. We need to be trustworthy.
00:17:02
This means aligning, what we think say and do.
00:17:07
When we think something we express it and then we carry
00:17:11
through with the idea. This means we can trust
00:17:15
ourselves. So he talks about building daily
00:17:19
trust and the book is Rich with ideas and exercises.
00:17:25
And one example is to notice and recognize when someone follows
00:17:31
through on a promise and we should do this daily, the more
00:17:35
you're rewarded, the more there. Repeat it and we build their
00:17:39
trust in us the same way by showing up and making progress.
00:17:46
There was a Chinese proverb he had in the book that advises.
00:17:51
If you want happiness for an hour, take a nap.
00:17:55
If you want happiness for a day, go fishing.
00:17:59
If you want happiness for a year inherit a fortune If you want
00:18:07
happiness for a lifetime help someone else and I thought this
00:18:12
was a great example, a video that he had done that, you might
00:18:16
like a cup. The Story Goes that is Gandhi
00:18:19
stepped aboard. A train one day, one of his
00:18:22
shoes slipped off and landed on the track.
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He was unable to retrieve it as the trains moving to the
00:18:26
amazement of his companions Gandhi.
00:18:28
Calmly took off his other shoe and threw it back along the
00:18:32
track to Land close to. The first shoe asked by a
00:18:35
fellow. Passenger.
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Why he did that Gandhi smile? The poor man who finds the shoes
00:18:40
lying on the track? Will now have a pair of he can
00:18:43
use. What will one should be of use
00:18:46
to me? What could you give away this
00:18:48
week that could benefit someone else?
00:18:51
What can you be more grateful for today?
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That others may not have and how can your one random act of
00:18:57
kindness? Create a domino effect across
00:19:00
the world. That's all it takes.
00:19:02
When will you start doing something for nothing?
00:19:06
Nothing. So, good question, huh?
00:19:19
And I also thought another good question was, so how do we give
00:19:23
love? And oh my gosh, you guys, I
00:19:27
found this part in braving the Wilderness about holding hands
00:19:34
with strangers. And the title of the section is
00:19:38
called, We Choose Love. and I'd like to read this to you because
00:19:44
I think it's super inspiring and really brings home the point
00:19:50
that There are all kinds of ways we can give love.
00:19:57
So, here we go. Our kids were first graders,
00:20:01
their kids were first graders. The whore, the pain and fear was
00:20:09
unfathomable. We gathered for no reason.
00:20:13
Then to be with one another, we didn't come together to make
00:20:17
sense of what had happened in that school so far away from our
00:20:21
own because we never ever wanted it to make sense.
00:20:26
We sat crying in silence, our small group of neighborhood,
00:20:30
mother's some friends and some strangers who had felt compelled
00:20:35
to be together. It was on December 15th, 2012.
00:20:41
A day after 20 year old, Adam Lanza, fatally shot, 20 children
00:20:47
between 6 and 7 years old, as well as six adult staff members
00:20:53
at Sandy Hook, Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut.
00:20:59
I remember thinking maybe if all the mothers in the world crawled
00:21:05
on their hands and knees toward those parents in Newtown, we
00:21:10
could take some of the pain away.
00:21:13
We could spread their pain across all our hearts.
00:21:16
I would do it. Can't we find a way to hold some
00:21:21
of it for them? I'll take my share even if it
00:21:26
adds sadness to all my days. My friends and I didn't rush to
00:21:32
start a fund that day. We didn't storm the principal's
00:21:35
office at our kids school asking for increased security measures,
00:21:40
we didn't call politicians or post on Facebook.
00:21:44
We would do all that in the days to come but the day right after
00:21:49
the shooting, we just sat together with nothing but the
00:21:53
sound of occasional weeping cutting through the silence.
00:21:58
Leaning in to our shared pain and fear comforted us.
00:22:06
Being alone in the midst of a widely reported trauma watching
00:22:11
endless hours of 24-hour news or reading.
00:22:14
Countless articles on the Internet, is the quickest way
00:22:18
for anxiety and fear to tiptoe into our heart and plant their
00:22:22
roots of secondary trauma. That day after the mass killing,
00:22:28
I chose to cry with my friends. Then I had it to church to cry
00:22:32
with strangers. I couldn't have known then, that
00:22:36
in 2017. I would be at a fundraiser for
00:22:41
the resiliency Center of Newtown and spend time sitting with a
00:22:46
group of parents whose children were killed at Sandy Hook.
00:22:51
What I've learned through my work and what I heard that night
00:22:54
in Newtown, makes one thing clear.
00:22:58
Not enough of us know how to sit in pain with others.
00:23:03
Worse. Our discomfort shows up in ways
00:23:07
that can hurt people and reinforce their own isolation.
00:23:12
I have started to believe that crying with strangers in person
00:23:16
could save the world. Today, there is a sign that
00:23:21
welcomes you to Newtown. We are Sandy Hook.
00:23:26
We Choose Love. That day when I sat in a room
00:23:31
with other mothers from my neighborhood and cried, I wasn't
00:23:36
sure what we were doing or why. Today, I'm pretty sure we were
00:23:43
choosing love in our own small way.
00:23:48
So, I don't know about you, but I needed a moment to recover
00:23:51
from reading that, that was just such an incredible passage.
00:23:55
And again, that's from braving the Wilderness by brene, Brown
00:23:58
on page 126. Jay Shetty offered this which I
00:24:04
also thought was of good. What if we all entered a room
00:24:07
and asked ourselves? How can I love everyone here
00:24:11
today, you tell yourself, I'm just going to give love Wouldn't
00:24:19
that be an amazing way just for us all to start our day and
00:24:22
guide us through is. I can also relate to the ending
00:24:27
paragraph of his book and it goes.
00:24:30
I began this book by talking about how we love a flower.
00:24:34
We water it every day. Now, you are the one doing the
00:24:38
planting planting seeds for others giving fruits to others,
00:24:44
providing shade for others. You can seek love your whole
00:24:48
life and never find it. Or you can give love your whole
00:24:53
life and experience, Joy, experience it, practice it and
00:25:00
create it. Instead of waiting for it to
00:25:02
find you, the more you do this, the more you will experience the
00:25:08
depths of love from different people throughout every single
00:25:12
day for the rest of your life. And on that note, my friends
00:25:17
will end today's episode. Thank you for being here and
00:25:21
Happy Valentine's Day. What the world needs now is love
00:25:36
sweet. It's the only thing that there's
00:25:42
just too little It's not, no, not just for some but for
00:25:55
everyone. I couldn't resist, I knew we
00:26:03
needed a good song to take us out, so I hope you enjoyed it
00:26:07
and that you sang along for a moment.
00:26:10
That's a Jackie DeShannon version.
00:26:12
Released in 1965 with lyrics by, Hal David and score by Burt
00:26:19
Bacharach. So, I hope you enjoyed that and
00:26:22
our episode. We appreciate you being here
00:26:25
very much. And if you liked this episode,
00:26:27
please leave us a comment wherever you listen to your
00:26:30
podcast. And join our public Facebook
00:26:33
group, girl, take the lead or visit our website girl, Take the
00:26:37
Lead pod.com. You can also email me at yo, at
00:26:42
yocan e.com. Especially if you do the
00:26:45
self-compassion scale, let me know how you did happy to share
00:26:50
my numbers with you to definitely have things to work
00:26:54
on. And in the show notes, I'll have
00:26:57
a link to the resources like that scale.
00:27:00
I mentioned in the episode and also to some of the video that I
00:27:04
had recorded from Jay Shetty next week, we'll be talking
00:27:08
about authenticity with the Jen's ear.
00:27:12
Have you heard of lash gate? Hmm, if not, you'll want to
00:27:16
listen, so you're in the know, thanks for being here and talk
00:27:21
to you soon. Bye.