This episode is a Girl Take the Lead Sound Bite, a short episode which may be a bit more about a topic we’ve covered like our episode today or a quick inspiration.
In our past few episodes we’ve covered friendships – some values we care about and some lovely unexpected magic we find in work friends.
Here are the three takeaways from today’s episode:
1. We all approach friendships from a different aspects but they generally fall into 3 groups: Integrity, Caring, Congeniality
2. One other aspect that can keep us connected to others is our shared history with them.
3. I think that gratitude, appreciation, and thankfulness has to be present to maintain the friendship.
As Mentioned
Celebrate Brave Podcast with Nicole Trick Steinbach:
Psychology Today article: The 13 Essential Traits of Good Friends, These are the keys to maintaining long-term connections Ep 131 True to You: Embracing Authenticity in Friendships with NoorJehan Ep 132 Beyond 9 to 5: The Unexpected Magic of Work Friendships
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Hi there. Welcome to episode 133 of Girl
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Take the Lead, which is a Sound Bite.
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A Sound Bite is a shorter episode that builds on a topic
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we've covered on a previous episode or is a little bit of
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inspiration. And I'm your host yo, Kenny.
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So before we get started, I wanted to tell you about a
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podcast where I was a guest and that podcast is Celebrate Brave
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Careers with Nicole Trick Steinbach.
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And she was so gracious and wonderful.
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And we talked about personal branding, which a lot of you
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know is very close to my heart as a marketer.
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And we explored the topic and I appreciated very much her
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graciousness and her openness. And I'm filled with much
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gratitude for her and that podcast.
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So please check it out. So today we're going to build on
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a topic we've covered I think in three episodes, and they're
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probably be some more down the road, but friendship.
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And today we're going to talk about values and the values we
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hold in our friendships. And I found an article when I
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was doing my research on this topic which was in Psychology
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Today and it was written by Doctor Suzanne Deejis White, PhD
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and it was called The 13 Essential Traits of Good
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Friends, which is key to maintaining long term
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connection. So I thought that was great and
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a great resource for us. Doctor Deejis White is a
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professor and chair of the Counseling and Higher Education
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Department at Northern Illinois University.
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Her academic research explores women's relationships and
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women's developmental transition, so I think it could
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be a good source for us. So here's what she had to say
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about maintaining long term friendships.
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Essential friendship traits fall into three general categories.
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These traits are integrity, caring, and congeniality, and
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we'll go into more depth about those in a minute too.
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Everyone brings a different level of 13 essential traits to
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their relationships. 3. Trustworthiness is often the
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make or break element in any interpersonal relationship.
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This article had a section of the 13 Essential Elements of
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Friendship Traits, but I decided to check in with my listeners
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and our girl. Take the Lead Facebook group and
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you can join it anytime, so please go and visit us.
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We'd love to have you there. And I asked them to tell me what
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traits they looked for in friends and here's what they
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came up with. Good listener.
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Someone I can trust who is reliable, honest and has
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empathy, is non judgmental unless I'm screwing up and need
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to be scolded and with whom I can have fun being present and
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acceptance, love, listening without judgement, longevity, a
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shared heart, someone who is always there without judgement,
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and someone who is your cheerleader.
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True friendship is when you and your friend are there for each
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other in good times and bad, and it's OK for them to see the bad.
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Good listener tells me the truth, even if it isn't always
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positive. Someone I can laugh with,
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feeling like I add value to them too, understands me and points
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out what I don't always see ready to help at the drop of a
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hat, no questions asked, doesn't make it hard to get together.
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I choose friends who have a good sense of humor, who are
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authentic and communicating with me, and of course have similar
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interests as me. Additionally, I do not choose
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friends who talk about their friends behind their backs,
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because I can't trust them to have my back in those instances.
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And I think I'd add this one to the list, give space for them to
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celebrate their successes even when I feel hurt or when we have
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differences of opinion. So let's take a look at that
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first group, those that fall into the group of integrity and
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the traits that the article mentioned that fell into that
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group were trustworthiness, honesty, dependability, loyalty
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and as an interrelated quality, the ability to trust others,
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trustworthiness. So as we mentioned,
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trustworthiness is often the make or break element in any
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interpersonal relationship, regardless of perceived
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magnitude can devastate a relationship.
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Trustworthiness is comprised of several components, including
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honesty, dependability, and loyalty.
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And while each is important to successful relationships,
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honesty and dependability have been identified as the most
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vital in the realm of friendships.
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Honesty requires that we speak openly from the heart and
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incorporate objectivity into our words.
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Being dependable means that friends can count on you to be
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there when you say you will at a drop of hat as like one of our
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listeners said, to do what you say you will and to be willing
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to stand up for your friends, especially when they can't stand
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up for themselves. If you are and as likely to let
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friends down as come through for them, the relationship often
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become superficial, less engaging and even resentment
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provoking. If it doesn't end altogether,
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Loyalty is valued early on in all of our relationships from
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the time we make our first friendships.
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We need friends who won't spill our secrets to others, gossip
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about us, or allow others to criticize us.
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And being able to trust another person involves being
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comfortable with vulnerability. If we have difficulty sharing
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our authentic self with a friend, it's doubtful our friend
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will be easily willing to do this with us, and I expand a bit
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more about something that the article stated.
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Facebook group friends brought up the word acceptance, and I
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add to acceptance that a friend accepts all of us, the total
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person, not just when things are good or fun, but we can share
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the parts of us like resentments, anger, jealousy, or
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things going on. We can't make sense of or don't
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know which path to take and we just need to talk it out.
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The second group of traits was caring, and that group included
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empathy, being judgment, free listening skills, and the
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ability to support others in good times and bad.
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Kind of like what I just mentioned.
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These traits require some personal insight, some
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self-discipline, and unconditional positive regard.
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I think for our friends, empathy is the ability to understand
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what is going on with a friend, to recognize how he or she is
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feeling, and to interact and respond accordingly.
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The ability to be non judgmental reflects our ease in accepting a
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friend's choices, regardless of how they may differ from our
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own. Good listening skills are
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essential to allow the communicating of intimate
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thoughts, feelings, and experiences.
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This sharing is a gradual process of give and take that
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deepens over time. So it's kind of like a spectrum.
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And something I'd add here, If we're talking, we can't be
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listening. And the last component, she
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says, is being supportive of others in their bad times as
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well as their good times. The saying goes, everybody loves
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a winner, but for some of us, that just isn't so If you have
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trouble celebrating another's good fortune and experience,
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envy or even bitterness, this may limit the depth of your
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friendships. I think Noor Jahan brought up
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this up in episode 131 that she was becoming more and more
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successful and some friends fell away.
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I also think we just need to make space for our friends to be
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who they are and to just let them be who they are.
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And the third group was traits of Congeniality.
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OK, So what is congeniality anyway?
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Wasn't Sandra Bullock in a movie called Miss Congeniality where
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she was an FBI agent that went undercover and she was in the
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United States, I think Miss United States Pageant.
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And while it's the name of a good movie, most pageants do
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have a Miss Congeniality award. And that goes to the friendliest
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person, the easiest person to be around and the most kind hearted
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in the pageant. So we'll go with that, right?
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Like just the easiest person to be with?
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The article says that this group of traits include
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self-confidence, the ability to see humor in life and being fun
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to be around. And these traits have been
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associated with overall well-being and happiness in
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life. And we've covered those episodes
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too on the podcast. So let's look at
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self-confidence. And that's an appealing
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characteristic in any friend and may even be contagious.
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When we are in the company of a self confident individual, we
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typically feel good about ourselves and our confidence
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rises. People who are fun to be around
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seem to enjoy life more, handle challenges in a proactive way.
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And and lastly, people who have the ability to see the humor in
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life help us deal with the curve balls that we get tossed.
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So I'd like to add one more aspect of friendship that I
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don't think was covered in the article, and that is we have a
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shared history with our friends however short or long it was.
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It's something that we shared together.
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And I know when my sister passed that I felt I lost a friend who
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really knew my history from when I was born until she passed.
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And I think having gratitude for that period of time that we had
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with our friend brings joy to our heart and love and allows us
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to really appreciate who they were and what the time was for
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us and actually understand more about ourselves.
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So on that note, we'll end our episode today.
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And I sure hope that you enjoyed this.
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And if you did, let us know. And our next episode will also
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be on this topic of friendship, like why we end them and why
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they fizzle out. So I hope you'll join us again.
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Thanks for being here. Bye.