Why can it feel so difficult to admit that we don’t know something?
This Sound Bite was inspired by my conversation with sport and performance psychologist Dr. Darby Bonomi, who reminded us that there is no shame in being at the beginning.
But that got me thinking.
Maybe being a beginner isn’t actually the hardest part.
Maybe it’s letting other people see us not knowing.
In this reflection, I explore some of my own history with pretending I knew something when I didn’t—and begin detangling what may have been underneath it.
For me, knowing became connected with achievement, acceptance, and belonging at an early age. Mistakes weren’t always comfortable. Asking for help wasn’t something I remember doing very often. And appearing intelligent could feel like a form of protection.
So what happens when being a beginner requires us to say:
I don’t know.
I don’t understand.
I made a mistake.
Can you help me?
We explore how our fear of judgment, rejection, or appearing “not good enough” can keep us pretending—and how self-acceptance and humility might offer another way.
Because humility doesn’t have to mean making ourselves smaller.
Maybe it means being able to hold two truths at once:
I’m intelligent. And I don’t know this.
I’m accomplished. And I’m a beginner here.
I belong. And I can ask for help.
In This Sound Bite
- Why being seen as a beginner can feel harder than actually being one
- What pretending to know may be protecting
- The connection between knowledge, achievement, belonging, and self-worth
- Why asking for help can feel so vulnerable
- How self-acceptance can make room for not knowing
- Humility as an honest recognition of both our strengths and our limitations
- Why confidence comes through experience
- The stages of skill acquisition—from novice toward expertise
- How asking for help can create connection and community
- Why we can be an expert in one room and a beginner in the next
And perhaps the question underneath all of it is:
Am I secure enough in who I am to let you see me learning?
Because we don’t have to know everything to belong.
We don’t have to pretend when we don’t know.
And we don’t have to use what we know to prove that we’re worthy of being in the room.
Sometimes leadership begins with having the courage to say:
“I don’t know yet. Can you show me?”
Inspired By
Episode 313: The Voice That Keeps Women Playing Small — with Dr. Darby Bonomi
Darby is a sport and performance psychologist and author of Unshrinkable: Why Strong Women Secretly Criticize, Diminish, and Thwart Themselves—and How to Stop.
🌐 https://www.darbybonomi.com/
📖 https://www.unshrinkablebook.com/
Coming Next
In our next episode, I’m joined by Lisa Ketchum Hendrickson, founder of Human Recovery, somatic nurse coach, and a nurse with more than 30 years of experience.
After losing her two oldest sons eight months apart to suicide and addiction, Lisa’s understanding of trauma and recovery became deeply personal.
Our conversation expands the meaning of recovery beyond addiction or loss. We may also be recovering from trauma, grief, old survival patterns, ancestral wounds, transitions, or beliefs and social norms that no longer serve us.
At the center of Lisa’s work is a simple but powerful idea:
We can’t heal what we don’t feel.
Connect with Girl, Take the Lead!
🌐 https://www.girltaketheleadpod.com
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