329. AT THE THRESHOLD: Who Are We Now? When Your Change Becomes Our Change

[00:00:06] [SPEAKER_00] Welcome to At The Threshold. I'm Yolanda Canny. These are reflections about the life transitions that quietly reshape us. Not because we've arrived at all the answers, but because life has a way of teaching us something new when we're willing to pay attention. I'm glad you're here. Let's begin.

[00:00:30] [SPEAKER_00] I've been thinking about change lately and how sometimes we don't choose the changes that change us. Sometimes someone we love crosses a threshold and suddenly we realize we're standing at one too. That's where I find myself now. My husband is making a career pivot. After years of working very hard, he wants something different.

[00:00:58] [SPEAKER_00] Maybe more balance, more choice about how he spends his time. And as I watch him begin the transition, I find myself thinking back to my own. Five years ago, after 42 years in corporate life, I stepped away from a career that had occupied an enormous part of my identity. And I had absolutely no idea what I was walking toward. And that's an interesting place to be.

[00:01:28] [SPEAKER_00] That space between what was and whatever is going to be next. Eventually, I found things I never could have predicted. Podcasting became an important part of my life. So did art. I found new rhythms, new interests, new ways of using parts of myself that perhaps hadn't had enough room to grow before.

[00:01:53] [SPEAKER_00] And gradually, new life. And gradually, new life. And gradually, new life. And gradually, without realizing it, I built a life. A life I really like. Which brings me back to my husband. Because now, it's his turn to stand in that space of not knowing.

[00:02:08] [SPEAKER_00] And I find myself wondering. What will he discover? What will become important to him? What will he want more of? Less of? What parts of himself might have been waiting for more room? And then, I notice another temptation. And then, I notice another temptation. Because I've already done this. I could start trying to help. Well, here's what worked for me.

[00:02:38] [SPEAKER_00] Maybe you could try this. Have you thought about that? You know. What I discovered. My God.

[00:02:45] My God.

[00:02:46] [SPEAKER_00] Or what I sometimes call help. But his transition isn't mine. What I discovered doesn't tell me what he'll discover. Maybe one of the most loving things I can do is not have the answer for him. To be curious. To give him room. To let him discover what his life wants to become. That's when I realize something else.

[00:03:13] [SPEAKER_00] This isn't only his transition. His life is changing. Which means, in some ways, mine is changing too. And isn't that so often how change works? We tend to think of transitions as something that happens directly to us. Right? We change jobs. We move. We become parents. We lose someone. We begin again. But change doesn't always knock directly on our door.

[00:03:44] [SPEAKER_00] Sometimes it enters through someone we love. A partner makes a different choice. A child begins a new chapter. A parent needs something they didn't need before. A friend moves away. Someone we love changes. And suddenly the landscape of our own life looks a little different. Their change becomes part of our change.

[00:04:10] [SPEAKER_00] Maybe that's why we're standing at thresholds more often than we realize. For the past five years, I've developed my own routines. My podcast. My art. My work. My time. My independence. There's a rhythm to my days that didn't exist when I first left corporate life. And I value it. So as my husband begins creating a different rhythm of his life, I started wondering, what

[00:04:39] [SPEAKER_00] happens to mine? And I noticed something in that question that felt bigger than the two of us. Because I've heard versions of this from other women. And I've felt versions of it myself. But there can be this all or nothing quality to the way we think about caring. If I'm caring for someone else, I'm generous. I'm loving. I'm a good wife. I'm a good mother.

[00:05:08] [SPEAKER_00] I'm a good daughter. I'm a good friend. But if I protect time for myself, if I say what I need, if I don't immediately rearrange my life around someone else's needs, there can be a little voice that asks, am I being selfish? And lately I've been wondering, what if that's a false choice?

[00:05:38] [SPEAKER_00] What if being loving doesn't require choosing between caring for someone else and caring for ourselves? What if love can do both? I can want my husband to find more balance and honor the balance I've created for myself. I can be interested in what he discovers and continue exploring what I'm discovering.

[00:06:03] [SPEAKER_00] I can make room for his new rhythms and protect some of my own. I can love our life together and value the independence I've found. Maybe these things aren't opposites. Maybe that's the work. I think there's something else here too. Something sometimes takes care of someone means stepping in, helping, fixing, anticipating,

[00:06:31] [SPEAKER_00] making the road smoother for them. But sometimes maybe caring means not stepping in, allowing someone we love to wrestle with the question. To try something, to change their mind, to be uncertain, to discover something we never would have chosen for them. Maybe giving someone room to become is a form of love too. When I made my own career transition five years ago, one of the questions underneath it

[00:07:01] [SPEAKER_00] was, who am I now? I had spent decades knowing how to answer the question through my career. And then suddenly, the answer wasn't so obvious. It took time. I had to live my own way into it. Now, as my husband begins his transition, I realize the question has changed. It's not just, who will he become?

[00:07:29] [SPEAKER_00] And it's no longer, who am I now? It's, who are we now? And I don't know the answer. I actually think that's the point. Maybe none of our relationships are ever really finished things. Because none of us are finished. We're always changing, right? And so are the people we love. Sometimes the change is enormous.

[00:07:59] [SPEAKER_00] Sometimes it's barely noticeable. Our work changes. Our family change. Our bodies change. Our needs change. Our interests change. What we want from life changes. And every so often, one person's change asks the relationship itself to change. Not necessarily because anything is wrong. But because something new is becoming possible.

[00:08:29] [SPEAKER_00] And maybe every change asks us in some small way, Who am I now? I've been thinking about that word, we. Sometimes we can imagine that becoming a we means giving up some of the I. But perhaps a healthy we doesn't require either person to disappear.

[00:08:58] [SPEAKER_00] Maybe a strong we has room for two evolving I's. As my husband gets to discover who he is becoming, I get to continue becoming who I am. And somewhere between those two, we get to discover who we are becoming together. So I'm trying not to race ahead. Not to design his next chapter.

[00:09:24] [SPEAKER_00] Not to decide what our new routines should be. Not even to assume that everything has to change. Instead, I'm trying to stay curious. To notice. To listen. To talk about what each of us needs. And to remember that caring for myself doesn't mean I care for him less. Maybe being loving means making room for both. For his needs and mine.

[00:09:53] [SPEAKER_00] For his becoming and mine. For you and me and us. So maybe the next question at this threshold isn't, what will he do next? Or even, what will happen to the life I've created? Maybe it's something much more open. What might become possible now? For him? For me?

[00:10:23] [SPEAKER_00] For us? I don't know yet. We're standing at the threshold. And perhaps we don't need to know what's waiting on the other side. Maybe we discover that by living our way into it. Together. Thank you for walking this threshold with me. Maybe someone you love is changing right now. Or maybe their circumstances are changing.

[00:10:52] [SPEAKER_00] And you are beginning to realize that their transition is touching your life too. Perhaps the invitation isn't to choose between caring for them and caring for yourself. Maybe it's simply to ask. Can love make room for both of us? Next time on Girl, Take the Lead!, I'll be joined by Brie Cadillac. Executive, entrepreneur, TEDx speaker and host of the Unstoppable You podcast.

[00:11:19] [SPEAKER_00] Brie and I talk about what she calls our invisible scorecard. The definitions of success we inherit and may spend years trying to live up to. We explore what happens when reaching the milestone doesn't feel the way we expect it. When achievement becomes tangled up with worthiness. And what it can mean to move from winning to wholeness. Status to self-trust and productivity to presence.

[00:11:48] [SPEAKER_00] It's also a conversation about the masks we wear. The values that can help us redefine success for ourselves. And trusting ourselves enough to choose a different path. I hope you'll join us. Until next time. Listen inward. Lead outward. And remember. Sometimes when someone we love crosses a threshold. We discover we're standing at one too. Talk soon.

[00:12:17] [SPEAKER_00] Bye.