331. SOUND BITE: Why Am I Still Hurrying?

[00:00:07] [SPEAKER_00] Welcome to a soundbite, a reflection inspired by a recent conversation on Girl, Take the Lead!, and I'm your host, Yolanda Canny. During my conversation with Bree Katulak about redefining success, she talked about changing some of the measures on what she calls her invisible scorecard. Winning to wholeness, status to self-trust, and productivity to presence. And that last one really got me.

[00:00:36] [SPEAKER_00] Productivity to presence. Because even though I'm five years into post-corporate life, my daughters are grown and I have much more control over how I spend my time, I still catch myself hurrying. And I started wondering, why? I don't have a boss telling me to hurry. I don't have little kids I need to get out the door.

[00:01:02] [SPEAKER_00] Most days, I'm the one deciding what needs to get done and when. I'm the CEO of my life. And yet, there it is. Hurry. Do as much as you can. Hurry. Don't be late. Hurry. You need to get it all done. Hurry. Hurry.

[00:01:55] [SPEAKER_00] I suppose it shouldn't surprise us when the circumstances change, but the pattern is still standing there, ready to go at a moment's notice. But as I thought about this more, I realized there may be something underneath my hurry. Because somewhere along the way, I think I developed an equation that went something like this.

[00:02:21] [SPEAKER_00] If I'm hurrying, I'm busy. If I'm busy, I must be important. And if I'm important, people will hold me in high regard. And if people hold me in high regard, I'm worthy. There it is, right?

[00:02:43] [SPEAKER_00] So maybe hurry wasn't just about getting somewhere on time or getting something done. Maybe hurry became connected to how I saw my path. And here's the real interesting thing. Hurry can feel good. There's an adrenaline rush to it. I can feel it in my stomach, that churn, that sense of urgency.

[00:03:12] [SPEAKER_00] Go, go, go. There's energy there until there isn't. Because I can also remember what happened when the adrenaline wore off. I was exhausted. And heaven helped the person who came along at that moment and asked me to do just one more thing. Can't you see I'm tired? Can't you see everything I've already done?

[00:03:40] [SPEAKER_00] Why are you asking this of me? Can't you see I need to rest?

[00:03:46] [SPEAKER_00] I need to rest?

[00:04:16] [SPEAKER_00] Instead, I could become resentful. I could blame the other person. I might even lash out. Because one more request somehow felt like evidence that I wasn't doing enough. And if my worth was tied to being the person who could always do more, what happened when I simply couldn't do one more thing? Did the equation suddenly flip?

[00:04:46] [SPEAKER_00] If I can't do it, am I not enough? Oh boy. That's quite a price to pay for hurry. And now I'm beginning to see there may be a moment when I can interrupt the pattern before I get all the way there. I guess Leslie Becker back in episode 319, you may remember, gave me a word.

[00:05:14] [SPEAKER_00] I've come to love for recognizing an old pattern. Gotcha. Gotcha. And I actually put myself in the forehead when I say it. No. Oh. Yo. There you go again. Not. Why haven't you fixed this by now? Just. Gotcha. Gotcha. There's the pattern.

[00:05:40] [SPEAKER_00] And lately, when I catch the hurry starting, I'm trying to create just enough space to ask myself, do I actually need to hurry right now? Do I need to make a request? Do I need to say no? Here's the one that really gets me. Am I expecting someone to read my mind? Mic drop.

[00:06:09] [SPEAKER_00] Because sometimes the resentment we feel toward someone else may be telling us something about a need we haven't voiced. And I've noticed something else about hurry now that I'm paying attention to it. When I'm around people who are always in a hurry, I get exhausted. I mean, literally tired.

[00:06:37] [SPEAKER_00] That energy can feel like a hurricane and I'm in the basement hoping it will pass. Everything feels urgent. We're moving to the next thing before we finish this thing. And here's the irony. For years, somewhere underneath my own hurry may have been the belief that if I looked busy, other people would think I was important.

[00:07:08] [SPEAKER_00] But now, when I experience that hurried energy coming from someone else, I'm not thinking, whoa, look how important they are. I'm thinking, whoa, look how important they are. I'm thinking, whoa, look how important they are. I'm thinking, whoa, look how important they are. I'm thinking, whoa, look how important they are. Which made me wonder, what did my hurry feel like to people around me? Maybe because hurry isn't only something we do to ourselves.

[00:07:35] [SPEAKER_00] Maybe it's energy we bring into the room. Maybe presence is too. Brie mentioned Scott O'Neill's book, Be Where Your Feet Are, during our conversation, so I read it. The book wasn't quite the deeper reflection on presence I was hoping for. But that phrase stayed with me. Be Where Your Feet Are

[00:08:02] [SPEAKER_00] Because I realized that when I'm hurrying, my feet may be here. But I'm already somewhere else. I'm thinking about the next tasks. The next appointment. The next thing I need to finish. The next thing I'm supposed to be doing. I'm mentally leaving this moment before this moment is even over. And maybe the opposite of hurry isn't simply slowing down.

[00:08:33] [SPEAKER_00] Maybe it's staying. Staying with the conversation. Staying with the person in front of me. Staying with my art. Staying with the walk. Staying with this moment. Before mentally moving into the next one. Interestingly, art is one of the places where I already know how to do this.

[00:09:00] [SPEAKER_00] When I'm creating, I can completely be absorbed in what I'm doing. I'm not telling myself, yo, be present. I just am. And that makes me wonder if presence is less something we achieve and more something we allow. Because wouldn't that be ironic?

[00:09:27] [SPEAKER_00] To turn being present into one more thing we need to accomplish. One more thing to check off the invisible scorecard. Maybe presence is simply the place where we can finally notice what we actually need. And perhaps that's what I need to practice now. Not eliminating hurry forever. I don't think that's realistic.

[00:09:56] [SPEAKER_00] That old pattern is probably going to show up again. Hurry. Get it done. What's next? And maybe I can recognize it sooner. Feel that familiar churn in my stomach and catch myself. Poke my forehead and say, gotcha. And then ask, do I really need to hurry through this moment? Or can I actually be here for it?

[00:10:26] [SPEAKER_00] I was talking about this with my very good friend, Didi. Someone I consider a sister that I love very much. And shout out to her. I know she's listening to this. She reminded me that she has her own way of dealing with hurry. She makes a list. Then she looks at the timing of the things on that list and juggles them. So she doesn't create the need to hurry in the first place. I thought that was interesting.

[00:10:56] [SPEAKER_00] Because maybe once we've said, gotcha. The next question is, what helps me not get swept up in hurry? Maybe it's looking at the day and deciding what actually needs to happen and what can wait. Maybe it's leaving more space between things instead of scheduling ourselves right up to the edges.

[00:11:23] [SPEAKER_00] Maybe it's making a request or asking for help. Maybe it's just saying no. Maybe it's noticing our body telling us we're reaching our limit and actually listening to it. Or maybe it's simply stopping for a moment and asking, where are my feet? I don't think there's one right way to respond to hurry.

[00:11:51] [SPEAKER_00] But I do think noticing gives us something the pattern doesn't. A choice. So maybe there are two questions I want to leave us with today. What old pattern is still ready to spring into action for you, even though you may not need it anymore? And where are your feet right now?

[00:12:20] [SPEAKER_00] And is the rest of you there with them? And speaking of old patterns, next time we're going to look at another one many women may recognize. Smile. Smile. Be agreeable. Don't make a fuss. Keep the peace. My guest is international number one bestselling author, James Dakin, whose provocative new book,

[00:12:46] [SPEAKER_00] How to Stop Taking From Insecure Men, has just been released. I'm going to try it one more time. My guest is international number one bestselling author, James Dakin, whose provocative new book, How to Stop Taking From Insecure Men, has just been released.

[00:13:12] [SPEAKER_00] James grew up witnessing the damage of patriarchy in his own family and acknowledges that he later became a version of the very behavior he had witnessed before doing the work to change. Now, after more than 30 years of coaching leaders, teams, and individuals, he brings an unusual perspective to the unwritten rules that can teach women to shrink and diminish ourselves.

[00:13:41] [SPEAKER_00] We'll talk about what happens when women stop playing by those rules, why boundaries and presence matters, and what it can look like to stand in our own truth without shouting, pushing, or becoming someone we're not. I think it's going to be an amazing conversation.

[00:14:02] [SPEAKER_00] Until next time, listen inward, lead outward, and remember, you don't have to hurry through your life to prove that your life matters. Talk to you soon. Bye.