Some of the loudest voices we hear aren't coming from other people—they're the ones inside our own heads.
That inner critic can convince us we're not ready, that everyone else has it figured out, or that asking for help somehow means we've failed. Over time, those thoughts can quietly keep us playing smaller than we're capable of.
In this episode, I'm joined by Dr. Darby Bonomi, sport and performance psychologist and author of Unshrinkable: Why Strong Women Secretly Criticize, Diminish, and Thwart Themselves—and How to Stop.
Darby has spent decades working with high-achieving individuals, and together we explore why even accomplished women can struggle with self-criticism, comparison, perfectionism, and the pressure to appear as though they have everything under control.
We also talk about something Darby calls the myth of the charmed life—the tendency to look at someone else's polished exterior and assume their path has somehow been easier than ours.
And Darby shares one simple phrase from her equestrian coach that has stayed with her for decades:
"Go ride your horse."
It's a reminder to stop overthinking, trust your preparation, be present, and do the thing that's yours to do.
In This Episode, We Discuss
- Why successful women can believe everyone else has a "charmed life"
- How self-criticism and perfectionism can quietly keep us playing small
- Community versus competition—and why lifting others doesn't diminish our own opportunities
- Why there is no shame in being a beginner
- How "Go ride your horse" became a lifelong reminder for Darby to trust herself and be present
- Why confidence comes through experience
- Envy as information—and even a possible call to action
- Learning from people who are farther along rather than simply comparing ourselves to them
- Why presence, gratitude, and personal growth require practice
- What Darby would tell her 20-something self today
About Dr. Darby Bonomi
Darby Bonomi, PhD, is a sport and performance psychologist who has facilitated transformations in hundreds of high-achieving individuals.
After two decades as a clinical psychologist, psychoanalyst, and faculty member at the San Francisco Psychoanalytic Institute, she shifted her focus to performance coaching in 2016. She works with competitive equestrians, entrepreneurs, and professionals globally—primarily women determined not to shrink under self-criticism or others' expectations.
Dr. Bonomi is an actively competing equestrian herself and has delivered sport psychology clinics nationwide. Her writing has been featured in Practical Horseman, Psychology Today, USHJA In Stride, The Plaid Horse, and The Chronicle of the Horse.
Darby's Book
📘 Unshrinkable: Why Strong Women Secretly Criticize, Diminish, and Thwart Themselves—and How to Stop
Drawing from decades of psychology and performance coaching, Darby explores the patterns that can cause capable women to diminish themselves—and what can happen when we stop playing small.
Connect with Darby
🌐 Website:
https://www.darbybonomi.com/
📖 Unshrinkable Book Website:
https://www.unshrinkablebook.com/
Facebook:
https://www.facebook.com/darbybonomisf/
Instagram:
https://www.instagram.com/drdarbybonomi/
Continue the Conversation
Our conversation about envy reminded me that envy doesn't necessarily have to be something we judge or push away. It may contain information about something we want, admire, or haven't yet given ourselves permission to pursue.
We've explored envy before on Girl, Take the Lead!:
Explore our conversations about Envy:
https://girltaketheleadpod.com/search/envy
And here's a question to take with you after this episode:
What would be possible if you quieted the voice that keeps you playing small... and simply rode your horse?
Connect with Girl, Take the Lead!
🌐 https://www.girltaketheleadpod.com
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