180. Beyond the Smiles: Exploring the Dangers of Toxic Positivity

[00:00:06] Welcome to episode 180, which is a girl take the lead soundbite. And a soundbite is a shorter episode that builds on a previous episode like our one today, or it's a quick inspiration. And I'm your host, Yolanda Canny.

[00:00:22] In our episode 177, we covered the book worthy by Jamie Kern Lima. I'd mentioned my interest in one of the distinctions she covered called toxic positivity.

[00:00:37] When I saw that part in the book, I had visions of myself. And in the movie, the Pixar movie, Inside Out, and I guess that was done in 2015, it did a fantastic job of illustrating the dangers of being so over positive that it could be damaging.

[00:00:57] And if you don't know the movie, it follows the story of a young girl named Riley, who deals with the ever unpredictable emotions growing up.

[00:01:08] And she introduces us to joy and sadness, fear, anger, and disgust all who live and work and operate from headquarters inside Riley's mind.

[00:01:20] And joy is voiced by Amy Poehler. And she spends most of her time in Riley's life, trying to stay happy 24 seven and limit or suppress all negative emotions.

[00:01:33] Sound familiar to anyone?

[00:01:36] Oh yeah. Joy does this with the understanding that life's goal is always happiness.

[00:01:45] But is it?

[00:01:48] While joy has excellent intentions or constant focus on Riley's happiness unintentionally harms Riley, like it can harm us.

[00:01:57] Sending the 12 year old down a path of confusion and begins to cause part of Riley's life and personality to fall apart.

[00:02:06] Hmm.

[00:02:07] And the 2024 version inside out to returns and Riley's a teenager and doesn't know how to deal with anxiety.

[00:02:17] Hmm.

[00:02:17] I think that's going to be a future topic for our podcast.

[00:02:23] I can so relate to Riley.

[00:02:25] Riley.

[00:02:26] I spent most of my high school trying so hard to be happy and suppress anything negative.

[00:02:33] I think a lot of my compulsive eating was trying to avoid certain negative emotions.

[00:02:40] I didn't think I should have those emotions.

[00:02:45] That having them was somehow admitting I wasn't good enough or perfect enough.

[00:02:51] They were a weakness.

[00:02:54] Hmm.

[00:02:55] So I so want to explore this topic with you.

[00:02:59] So what is toxic positivity?

[00:03:04] Toxic positivity is an attempt to remain happy or express positivity at all times.

[00:03:12] And in some cases push others to do the same.

[00:03:17] This counterintuitive approach to authentic expression makes it difficult to share any real emotion.

[00:03:25] The pressure to stay positive at all times.

[00:03:30] The pressure to stay positive at all times ultimately hastens negative feelings, which can cause us to internalize ourselves as a failure, creating toxic pattern.

[00:03:41] Amen to that.

[00:03:44] Amen to that.

[00:03:44] Definitely.

[00:03:44] I can see.

[00:03:46] Some signs are expressing guilt for being sad or angry, dismissing others, difficult feelings, hiding painful emotions, reciting positive quotes about hard situations like just stay positive or look on the bright side.

[00:04:10] Or another good one is just get over it.

[00:04:14] And the last one could be just ignoring all your problems.

[00:04:18] Lima in her worthy book states that this act of rejecting, suppressing, or avoiding negative emotions invalidates the authentic human emotional experience and can actually lead to its own trauma, isolation,

[00:04:35] depression, and a whole variety of unhealthy coping mechanisms.

[00:04:41] Like my overeating.

[00:04:44] And it's quite common.

[00:04:46] One recent study found that over 75% of people deliberately pretend to be happy while ignoring their true emotions.

[00:04:56] Little boys are taught to hide how they really feel behind a mask of strength and stoicism.

[00:05:03] We're ashamed for breaking the code of social conditioning.

[00:05:07] And we get the approval of our parents and our institutions when we master it.

[00:05:13] The better you know the code, the more attractive you are, the more you'll be loved.

[00:05:19] The more you'll be told you're worthy of love.

[00:05:24] No wonder so many of us are walking around hiding in plain sight.

[00:05:30] Like probably a lot of you that are listening right now, I've been a lifelong student of personal development and human psychology.

[00:05:40] In fact, it was my major in college before getting my MBA.

[00:05:43] Truth be told though, I think I was using my early work as a way to avoid being negative.

[00:05:52] Searching for some nirvana and pretending to be fulfilled.

[00:05:59] Lima says she believes it's important to experience and express our full range of emotions.

[00:06:05] And to make it a point not to dwell in the emotions.

[00:06:10] I don't want to magnify for too long.

[00:06:13] And that it's important to become aware that what we're feeling and experiencing in the moment is temporary.

[00:06:23] I can remember asking my husband when I first put the food down,

[00:06:27] what do you do with these emotions, honey?

[00:06:31] And he said, they pass through you.

[00:06:36] He was speaking to the temporary moment that Lima did, right?

[00:06:42] You got that right.

[00:06:43] I love when Lima says this.

[00:06:46] Our lives are unfolding exactly as they should.

[00:06:51] The most important part we need to play in our journey for that to happen is to show up as we truly are along the way.

[00:07:02] Melody Wilding, author of Trust Yourself, which we covered in episode 82,

[00:07:07] stated in an article that thinking positively sounds promising on the surface.

[00:07:14] Who wouldn't like to think good thoughts and have everything magically work out for them?

[00:07:21] The truth is that positive thinking doesn't always help or even work.

[00:07:28] You may remember she coined the term sensitive strivers,

[00:07:32] which is a high achiever who are also highly sensitive.

[00:07:37] They think and feel everything more deeply.

[00:07:41] After decades of being told to quote,

[00:07:44] look on the bright side or stop taking everything so personally,

[00:07:48] many sensitive strivers have come to believe they are weak or broken,

[00:07:53] which can lead to chronic self-doubt, people pleasing, overworking, and more.

[00:08:01] Again, sound familiar to anyone?

[00:08:05] So what's the problem then with positive thinking?

[00:08:11] Wilding also wrote this in that article.

[00:08:14] By the way, I have all the links to all the resources and references I'm making in the show notes.

[00:08:21] There's no shortage, she says, of self-help gurus who swear that repeating positive phrases to yourself can change your life.

[00:08:31] Encouraging that if you simply tell yourself, quote, I am strong and successful, your fears will simply disappear.

[00:08:41] The problem with positive thinking as an approach is that it operates at the surface level of conscious thinking.

[00:08:49] It does nothing to contend with the subconscious mind where negative self-talk and limiting beliefs really live.

[00:09:01] If you've tried thinking positively, you know that it can be a difficult habit to maintain.

[00:09:09] You can maybe spend five, 10 or even 20 minutes reciting an affirmation, but the other 23 hours of the day, chances are your mind drifts back to old repetitive thoughts that have burned deep grooves into your brain.

[00:09:29] Research shows that while repeating positive self-statements may benefit people with high self-regard, it can backfire for those of us lacking confidence, including many sensitive strivers.

[00:09:46] Research shows that if you have a lot of others.

[00:09:47] Research shows that if you have a lot of others, it can be a lot of others.

[00:09:48] Research shows that if you command yourself to think, I am abundant and amazing, yet your deeply held core belief is that you are never enough or unworthy of your success, your brain will be quick to incite an inner war.

[00:10:08] And, finally, if you do not.

[00:10:08] Similarly, if you try to tell yourself, quote, I am successful, but you struggle with imposter syndrome regarding your skills and accomplishments, your subconscious may likely remind you of the many times you've embarrassed yourself in front of your boss or made a mistake at work.

[00:10:28] And we've all been there.

[00:10:31] The truth is that it's natural and healthy to experience a range of feelings.

[00:10:37] including less pleasant ones like disappointment, sadness, or guilt. While there's no question

[00:10:45] that ruminating in negative emotions is unhelpful, whitewashing your insecurities

[00:10:52] with positive thinking is merely a temporary fix. Gabrielle Bernstein, or Gabby as we all know her,

[00:11:02] in her book, Superattractor, Methods for Manifesting a Life Beyond Your Wildest Dreams,

[00:11:09] discusses manifesting and positive thinking, but also touches on the importance of genuine

[00:11:16] positivity versus superficial or toxic positivity. She states that over her 15 years as a spiritual

[00:11:26] teacher, she's gained a very clear understanding of the common ways people misuse and block their

[00:11:34] power. For instance, fear can take over and we literally forget who we really are. We build up

[00:11:44] belief systems of separation, judgment, and negativity. All these false perceptions deny

[00:11:52] our inner power. She offers some great descriptions of how we do this, like a quote, manic manifester,

[00:12:04] who reads all the personal growth books, attends seminars, meditates, prays, and still feels stuck.

[00:12:13] She says these people have lost their connection. They have all the spiritual tools and jargon,

[00:12:19] but get that the most important part is to tune in to the universe. You can say affirmations, pray,

[00:12:30] and meditate every day, and still not attract because your energy is out of alignment. Instead of allowing

[00:12:38] yourself to receive, you want to get. Whoa. There's also the pusher,

[00:12:48] who try to control or reach goals and feel safe. We covered that in our previous episode.

[00:12:56] And then there's the judger who judges, compares, attacks, and see themselves as separate from others,

[00:13:05] all disconnected from the universe. She also asks us, does fear have you in a headlock?

[00:13:14] She goes on to say, each day brings new opportunities to lean toward fear or lean into love.

[00:13:25] While we always have a good choice, we often quite unconsciously default to fear.

[00:13:33] The presence of fear is a sure sign we're disconnected from the loving presence of the universe.

[00:13:41] So perhaps our toxic positivity, while we try so hard to be positive,

[00:13:47] is really masking some underlying belief about ourselves.

[00:13:53] And if you need to find more about that and ask some questions, Byron Katie is your go-to lady for that.

[00:14:02] I'll have that in the show notes for sure.

[00:14:06] In an interview with the Washington Post, clinical health psychologist, Natalie D'Italio,

[00:14:14] explained the concept of toxic positivity and how it harms our mental health.

[00:14:20] Quote, while cultivating a positive mindset is a powerful coping mechanism,

[00:14:27] toxic positivity stems from the idea that the best or only way to cope with a bad situation

[00:14:35] is to put a positive spin on it and not dwell on the negative.

[00:14:41] Research shows that it is more beneficial to accept negative emotions rather than to judge, dismiss, or avoid them.

[00:14:51] Explaining the results, researchers noted that, quote,

[00:14:54] So individuals who accept rather than judge their mental experiences may attain better psychological health,

[00:15:03] in part because acceptance helps them experience less negative emotion in response to stressors.

[00:15:13] Even though negative emotions can be distressing, there is still some value in them.

[00:15:20] If we suppress our feelings, we forego their benefit and may even become physically unwell, as research suggests.

[00:15:31] In her book, Emotional Agility, Get Unstuck, Embrace Change and Thrive in Work and Life,

[00:15:39] Dr. Susan David, a Harvard Medical School psychologist, shared that negative emotions are reflections of our values

[00:15:48] and how our behaviors may be misaligned with them.

[00:15:54] Check out our episode about this book, which we did previously.

[00:16:00] She goes on to say, for instance,

[00:16:03] Loneliness reminds us of the importance of relationships.

[00:16:07] When we realize that,

[00:16:08] we can change the situation by setting up a dinner appointment with friends

[00:16:13] or other things that we might do to look at that importance and that value we hold.

[00:16:19] Instead of forcing yourself to smile when you're down and out,

[00:16:23] here's what psychologists suggest that you can do.

[00:16:27] One, practice mindfulness.

[00:16:31] Mindfulness techniques can help us through such unpleasant emotions

[00:16:35] because the practice makes it easier to bear with our emotions.

[00:16:39] And I'll have some references to some friends like Cindy, Whitney, Misha and Melissa

[00:16:47] in the show notes because they're great practitioners who can help with this.

[00:16:52] Two, taking another perspective.

[00:16:57] Another tactic outlined in this article is to detach yourself from the situation by reflecting on it

[00:17:04] from a third person's perspective.

[00:17:07] For example, what would your friends say if they knew about your situation?

[00:17:13] They probably will not put you down when you hit a roadblock.

[00:17:20] Doing so will help you see things from a more balanced view

[00:17:24] instead of one that is solely focused on negativity or pretending to be happy.

[00:17:30] And three, validate your emotions.

[00:17:34] Remember, it is natural to feel angry, sad, or frustrated since everyone has emotions.

[00:17:43] I like writing in a journal just to get in touch with the emotion,

[00:17:49] breathe it in, and then give myself a big hug.

[00:17:59] Thank you for joining us today, and we sure hope you enjoyed this episode.

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[00:18:32] Here are three takeaways.

[00:18:35] One, toxic positivity is common and often a response to some underlying belief.

[00:18:43] Two, thinking positive 24-7 can be very stressful to maintain,

[00:18:50] and it denies our humanity.

[00:18:53] Three, accepting our full range of emotions benefits us.

[00:18:59] And some ways to do this include practices like mindful meditations

[00:19:03] and learning to take perspectives that others would give us.

[00:19:10] Our next episode will kick off our August theme about fearlessness

[00:19:14] with my own personal example of stepping out of my comfort zone

[00:19:21] and opting for courage and bravery instead of fear

[00:19:25] by creating an online store that I want to tell you about.

[00:19:30] So please join us again and talk to you soon.

[00:19:34] Bye.

[00:19:36] Bye.