171. Building Connections: Lessons from Chi Omega Sorority Sisters and 'Together' by Vivek Murthy, MD

[00:00:00] Welcome to Episode 171, which is a Girl, Take the Lead soundbite. And that's a shorter episode, which may be a bit more about a topic we've covered like our episode today or quick inspiration. And I'm your host, Yolanda Canny. For this past month, we've been talking about connections.

[00:00:27] Some have been global, some have been local and others have been nonhuman. Today, we'll build a bit more on those topics and I'll share a real example of connection, which occurred recently during my 50 year Chi Omega sorority reunion.

[00:00:46] And I'll share some of the accounts that those who attended made for me. They offer us plenty of wisdom, particularly as they answered the question, what would you tell your 20-something self today? What do you think about it too? What would you tell your 20-something self today?

[00:01:08] When I think back on my 20-something self, I am so grateful for my sorority and in particular my sorority sister that became a lifelong friend through thick and thin, Deedee has been there. And today as I post this, it's her birthday.

[00:01:28] So please send my dear friend your happy birthday vibes. Enjoy the listen and here you go. So in our last episode where we covered Richard Lube's book, Our Wild Calling, I pulled a quote from Fivick H. Murthy M.D., the Surgeon General of the United States.

[00:01:53] And here's the quote. We live in the most technologically connected age in the history of civilization, yet rates of loneliness have doubled since the 1980s. This idea of connection and loneliness was super interesting.

[00:02:14] So I found Dr. Murthy's book together, The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World. And here's some key points he makes in the book, which is written in 2021. During the pandemic, we use the term social distancing and he makes the distinction between

[00:02:37] that and physical distancing to stop the spread of COVID. Socially he says, we may emerge from the crisis feeling closer to friends and family members than ever before. He offers four key strategies to help us not only to weather the COVID crisis, which hopefully

[00:02:58] we all did, but also to heal our social world far into the future. One, spend time each day with those you love. Devote 15 minutes each day to connect with those you most care about. Two, focus on each other. Try to eliminate distractions.

[00:03:23] Three, embrace solitude by first building a stronger connection with oneself. Four, help and be helped. Purpose is a form of human connection that reminds us of our value and purpose in life. There's a lot of silence and shame that happens around mental health.

[00:03:52] To combat this, we need to more deeply appreciate the relationship between loneliness, social connection and physical and emotional health. We all have a deep and abiding need to be seen for who we are as fully dimensional, complex and vulnerable human beings.

[00:04:17] We need to know that we matter and that we are loved. When they go unmet, we suffer. In several episodes, we've covered the chemicals produced in the brain like dopamine and oxytocin and it turns out these are key players in the brain's reward systems, a powerful motivator

[00:04:44] for connection, surging in response to isolation and driving us to seek companionship. The overall experience of loneliness is a complex product of our genes, past experiences, current circumstances, the culture in which we live and our personalities.

[00:05:09] Any which on a certain day can cause us to feel lonely or even high on life. Murthy notes that many cultures, particularly in Western societies, place a high value on independence and self-reliance. This emphasis often leads individuals to prioritize personal achievements and autonomy over communal bonds.

[00:05:37] The cultural narrative often celebrates the self-made individual, reinforcing the idea that success and happiness are achieved through personal effort without relying on others. Another good one. We are wired for connection and I saw this firsthand when we had our 50-year sorority reunion.

[00:06:10] There's this great quote by Jane Howard from her book, Families. Quote, call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family, whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one. You need one because you are human.

[00:06:31] And that was so clear to me as I greeted and hugged my sorority sisters after 50 years. And I was so grateful that I put away my concern about not looking good enough or young enough or perhaps not even successful enough.

[00:06:52] And Dee Dee grabbed me to say, we're going and you're going to stay with me. May you all be blessed to have a Dee Dee as your friend who loves you dearly. There have been a couple episodes where we've talked about friendships and letting go of them.

[00:07:14] And I have seen over the years, yes, relationships can come and go but they can come back too. Perhaps even 50 years later and perhaps in a new form. And perhaps they come back to help us see something more about ourselves. You never know, right? Oh yeah.

[00:07:41] So after her weekend together, I asked those who attended to answer two questions. The first was, what did you like most about our visit? And here's some of the answers. Linda, our leader and instigator of the event.

[00:07:55] And may you all have a Linda in your life who totally gets things done. Here's what she said. The chance to reconnect with sisters, recall old memories, laugh a lot, share the details and lessons learned of her life's journey so far was what she really liked about

[00:08:16] the weekend. And I'll go on to say that she had great pictures that we got to share. Kay said, what I liked most about our weekend was simply having a chance to talk with Kyo sisters and discovering what they have been up to for the past 50 years.

[00:08:38] I joined Kyo because I knew that this was a group of doers and it was fascinating to hear about the life stories and career paths chosen. We were in college when the world changed and so many career opportunities were opened

[00:08:57] up for women, whether in law, business, family business, and in my case, federal government. The world was our oyster. We were well prepared to launch after graduating from USC. It was great to reconnect. Oh, that made me emotional, Kay, so beautifully stated.

[00:09:24] And here's what Karen had to say about Kay's input. That is beautiful to read. I remember the competitive feeling since I was in the drama department and I realized now just how much peace and security I got from living with my beautiful Kyo sisters.

[00:09:44] And Karen went on to say to all of us this, what I got from the reunion is realizing that we are old or but not old. We still have a lot of life to live and even new beginnings. I'm still getting inspired from all of my sisters.

[00:10:05] And Jeannie said, for me, the best times were the two breakfasts and wine in the lobby. We had one on one time and could easily share our focus. Catching up quickly, we all had a lot to cover. Let's keep it going.

[00:10:22] And Penny said this, I was so surprised at how easy and comfortable it was after 50 years to be with each lady. Incredible. It taught me this lesson. When we were in the sorority, Greek life tried to tell us these were deep lifelong connections.

[00:10:46] I may have often thought a lot of it was kind of silly. Not the sisters but the songs and skits and rush. How much did I keep in touch with anyone? Not much. Yet now I find that Greek life was right.

[00:11:03] I know this because of the absolute ease and the absolute joy it was to reconnect at this reunion. Sad how much time I wasted in not keeping the connections. And the second question was, what would you tell your 20-something self today?

[00:11:27] And here's what they had to say about that. Okay, the main thing I would tell my 20-something self today is to not be so competitive and eager to get ahead but to have the grace to let things fall into place as in my case they surely did.

[00:11:48] I could have exerted far less emotional angst worrying about when I would be promoted over that jerk of a guy and just be relaxed, kind, curious and resilient. The traits I value the most.

[00:12:08] Jeannie had this to say, to go back I wish I had kept up more with my Chai Omega sisters. Unfortunately I have lost contact with many I wish I still had. To myself I would say life takes many turns with many challenges.

[00:12:27] Friendships can endure but it does take effort. I wish I had put more effort into maintaining those lost friendships. I hope I can find them. However, I'm grateful for the ones I still have. To my 20-something self, to those who are 20-something right now,

[00:12:46] there are many kinds of friendships and romantic relationships. For friends, understand those who truly hold your best interest at heart. They won't lie to you and they'll tell it straight even if you don't like what they say at the time.

[00:13:06] Keep time zapper friends at bay, the woe is me types. As time is the most precious thing you have. Don't give it away. No amount of time can change the woe is me types. Choose positive friends and they will fuel your fire.

[00:13:28] For romance, there's fun and then they're seeking a potential life partner. Typically not the same. Recognize that no one is perfect. Some keep chasing the illusion of Mr. Right who is not to be found. Sometimes the traits we fall in love with can be your lover's Achilles heel.

[00:13:55] As you build your life together, treasure those traits with respect as that's what's brought you together in the first place. Lift each other up, not down as your relationship is a partnership, not a competition. You start out as two and then after raising the family,

[00:14:18] your relationship returns to two as it was in the beginning. If your relationship has survived, how fortunate you are with all the twists and turns of life that you've been given the opportunity to continue life's journey together.

[00:14:39] Linda said this, keep better track of those who mean the most to you and make the time to reconnect and visit each other more often. Spend a little more money on fun and travel. Penny don't be so selfish.

[00:15:03] Look around at what all your sisters will be doing, experiencing, achieving. What wonderful women all these ladies will be. Stay apart of it. As I read each of these notes to you, I'm sure you can hear it. I'm very moved and emotional about the vulnerability

[00:15:35] in each women's story. Each of them is reaching out to us with their love and support just like they did with me when I told them about this podcast and our mission to help us all find and use our voices. You don't have to be at

[00:15:56] Kaya-Mega or have even been in a sorority or even in college. You can find your own tribe, your own clan, own network or family. We are social animals with the desire to forge lasting bonds, help one another and share life experiences including countless photos.

[00:16:24] And as Dr. Porthy says, together we are simply better. And in that note, my dear friends, we'll end today's episode. Thanks for being here and special thanks to the Kaya-Mega sisters who helped make the episode so special.

[00:16:49] Thank you for listening today and we sure hope you enjoyed this episode. I know that I needed to thank you to get me through it. If you did please leave a comment wherever you listen to your podcast. Tell a friend about us, join our public Facebook group,

[00:17:04] Girl Take the Lead or visit our website, girltaketheletepod.com. We also have a YouTube channel where your subscription would be appreciated. Once you're on YouTube, search at Girl Take the Lead and we're on YouTube Music where you can find a video

[00:17:21] of this episode. Our next episode will conclude our month of connections and we'll talk about cults. Whoa! A whole other kind of togetherness for sure. And I'll have the best guess, my daughters are returning. There was a great book recommended by Emma,

[00:17:46] my millennial daughter that we'll talk about with her Enki-Ki, the Genzier. So please join us again and talk to you soon. Bye!