What does it really mean to care for ourselves?
This Sound Bite (9:17) was inspired by my recent conversation with Riana Malia, where we talked about love, identity, the patterns we carry, and what can happen when we get clear about who we are and what we want.
I initially thought this reflection would be about loving ourselves.
But the more I sat with it, the more I wondered whether loving ourselves and caring for ourselves are quite the same thing.
We may love ourselves and still push through when we're tired.
We may recognize what we need and still have trouble giving it to ourselves.
We may be wonderful at caring for other people while finding it much harder to receive care—or even to accept where we are without immediately trying to fix or improve something.
For me, that connects to my own patterns around achievement and to something I discovered when I took Riana's Extraordinary Love Index™: my pattern was “She Carries.”
I've spent much of my life being the person who figures things out, gets things done, and carries what needs carrying.
Those qualities have served me well.
But I'm beginning to wonder whether caring for ourselves sometimes asks something different of us.
Before we can care for ourselves, perhaps we first have to pay attention to ourselves—and accept what we notice.
In This Sound Bite, I Explore:
- The difference between loving ourselves and caring for ourselves
- How achievement can sometimes get in the way of care
- Why accepting where we are may need to come before trying to change it
- The messages and beliefs we may carry without realizing it
- How someone else's “no” can make us wonder about the voices we've begun carrying as our own
- Why care isn't always about doing what feels good
- What it can mean to allow someone else to care for us
- Learning to ask not “How do I fix this?” but “What do I need?”
A Question to Consider
Because caring for ourselves doesn't have to become one more thing to achieve.
Maybe it begins with meeting ourselves where we are—with attention, acceptance, and kindness.
What do I need right now—and can I accept that need without judging myself for having it?
Mentioned in This Episode
Episode 323: Clear the Story, Create the Life: Who Are You Becoming? with Riana Malia
Take the Extraordinary Love Index™:
https://www.taketheeli.com/
Connect with Riana Malia:
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/rianamalia/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/RianaMalia/
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/rianamalia/
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@rianamalia
Coming Next
Next time, I welcome a very special guest, Charlotte Reed.
Charlotte brings together two worlds that don't always get talked about in the same conversation: a corporate career leading growth initiatives and years of community activism focused on needs including affordable housing, food, and essential provisions for individuals and families.
We'll talk about leadership, community, and what she's learned about bringing together the people and priorities needed to create meaningful impact.
She's a living example of bravery, courage, and inspiration—and I think you're going to enjoy meeting her.
Connect with Girl, Take the Lead!
Website: https://girltaketheleadpod.com
YouTube: @GirlTakeTheLead
LinkedIn: Yolanda “Yo” Canny
Instagram: @girltaketheleadpod
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[00:00:06] [SPEAKER_00] Welcome to Sound Bite, a reflection inspired by a recent conversation on Girl, Take the Lead. I'm your host, Yolanda Canny. During my conversation with Riana Malia, we talked a lot about love. Love and relationships, what we believe we deserve, what we want, and the patterns we may carry with us as we try to create something different.
[00:00:31] [SPEAKER_00] And afterward, I found myself thinking about loving ourselves. We hear that a lot, don't we? Love yourself. But the more I sat with it, the more I realized that wasn't quite what I wanted to explore. I started thinking instead about caring for ourselves and how the two were different.
[00:00:55] [SPEAKER_00] I don't think they're necessarily the same thing. I can say, I love myself. But how do I actually treat myself? What do I do when I'm tired? When my body needs something? When I'm disappointed? When I can't do what I used to do? Or what I think I should be able to do?
[00:01:23] [SPEAKER_00] Do I respond with kindness? Do I immediately start trying to fix myself? I've been noticing this in a very ordinary way lately. I've been having some leg cramps in my calf, especially my right side at night. And they hurt.
[00:01:47] [SPEAKER_00] And I can be annoyed by it. I can wish it weren't happening. I can think my body shouldn't be doing this. Or I can say, okay, this is where I am right now. What do I need? Maybe there are exercises I can do before bed. Maybe I need to pay attention to whether something else might help.
[00:02:10] [SPEAKER_00] Maybe there are some supplements, like some supplements, which I am now taking. But here's what struck me. Before I can care for myself, I first have to notice what I need. And then I have to accept what I notice.
[00:02:27] [SPEAKER_00] That second part may be a little harder. Because accepting where I am isn't always where my mind naturally goes. I've spent a lot of my life achieving. And achievement has served me well.
[00:02:44] [SPEAKER_00] But achievement is usually about a gap. Where am I? Where do I want to be? What do I need to do to get there? And then go. There's nothing inherently wrong with that. It's how I've accomplished a lot of things in my life. But I'm wondering whether the same pattern can sometimes get in the way of caring for ourselves.
[00:03:12] [SPEAKER_00] Because care may ask something very different. Where am I? Where am I right now? Can I accept this? What do I need here? Not, how quickly can I fix this? Not, why aren't I better at this? And not even, what should I be doing?
[00:03:37] [SPEAKER_00] Just the simple question, what do I need right now? That brings me back to something that happened in my conversation with Rihanna. Before we recorded, I took her Extraordinary Love Index. My pattern came back as she carries. And I got it. I've spent a lot of my life being the person who cares about things.
[00:04:05] [SPEAKER_00] The one who figures it out. The one who carries. And I'm learning that I don't always have to be that person. Someone else can step forward. I can let someone help me. Or this may be the biggest one for me. Sometimes we can just let something go. And maybe caring for ourselves involves more than putting something down.
[00:04:32] [SPEAKER_00] Maybe it also means noticing the beliefs that make us pick it up in the first place. And that brings me to another woman I've been thinking about. I met her recently. And she said she'd been told no so many times, particularly by people she loved, that she felt stuck.
[00:04:59] [SPEAKER_00] That stayed with me and made me wonder, what happens when we hear no enough times? Can someone else's voice eventually become our own? No. Don't ask for that. No. That's not for you. No. You can't do that. No. You don't get to have that.
[00:05:25] [SPEAKER_00] And maybe no isn't the only message we carry. Maybe some of us here, do your homework first. Other people need you. You should be able to handle this. Don't make such a big deal out of it. You haven't earned the break yet. And after enough time, do we even recognize those as beliefs?
[00:05:56] [SPEAKER_00] Or do they simply become the way we live? I don't know. That's a good question. And maybe caring for ourselves means getting curious about those voices. Not judging them. Not necessarily figuring out exactly where every one of them came from. Just noticing them. Is that what I believe?
[00:06:21] [SPEAKER_00] And more importantly, is that belief helping me care for the person I am today? Because the more I think about this, the more I realize that caring for myself isn't necessarily about doing what feels good. Sometimes care is rest. Sometimes it's movement. Sometimes it's asking for help. Sometimes it's setting a boundary.
[00:06:50] [SPEAKER_00] Sometimes it's doing something been avoiding. Sometimes it's letting someone else take care of me. And sometimes it may simply be saying, this is where I am today. And being okay with that. Maybe that's where loving ourselves and caring for ourselves come together. Love may be something we feel.
[00:07:20] [SPEAKER_00] But care is something we practice. And perhaps the practice doesn't begin with improving ourselves. Maybe it begins with meeting ourselves as we are, where we are, with kindness. And here's the question I'm sitting with. And I'll leave it with you. What do I need right now?
[00:07:49] [SPEAKER_00] And can I accept that need without judging myself for having it? Next time I have a very special guest joining me. Charlotte Reed. Charlotte brings two worlds together that don't always get talked about in the same conversation.
[00:08:08] [SPEAKER_00] A career leading growth initiatives and years of community activism focused on needs like affordable housing, food, and essential provisions for individuals and families. We'll talk about leadership with grace. Community. And what she's learned about bringing together the people and priorities needed to create meaningful impact.
[00:08:35] [SPEAKER_00] She's a living example of bravery, courage, and inspiration. I think you're going to really enjoy meeting her. Until then, remember, caring for ourselves doesn't have to become one more thing to achieve. Maybe it begins by paying attention. Thanks for being here.
[00:09:04] [SPEAKER_00] Talk to you soon. Bye.