323. Clear the Story, Create the Life: Who Are You Becoming? with Riana Malia

[00:00:06] [SPEAKER_00] Back to Girl, Take the Lead, where we explore womanhood and leadership. And I'm your host, Yolanda Canny. Today's conversation is about love, but maybe not in the way you might expect. My guest is Rihanna Malia, a board-certified integrative neurosomatic practitioner and identity architect for high achieving women. She's the creator of the Extraordinary Love Method and the Extraordinary Love Index.

[00:00:34] [SPEAKER_00] Riana's own journey and the work that grew from it raises some fascinating questions about the stories and patterns we carry, the difference between knowing something and actually changing it, and what can happen when we really get clear about who we are and what we want. So let's get into it. Here you go. Oh, welcome, Riana. We're so glad you're here. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

[00:01:00] [SPEAKER_01] Thank you so much for having me.

[00:01:03] [SPEAKER_00] Yeah. Why don't we start because what blew me away when you and I spoke before was a little bit about your story.

[00:01:10] [SPEAKER_01] Sure. Where should we begin?

[00:01:13] [SPEAKER_00] Well, I know where we want to end, so you just start whenever you want to.

[00:01:18] [SPEAKER_01] Okay. I think all of us in this space, in this world, the work that we're called to do comes from, largely from our life, right? We don't, it's less, I think, the most profound guides, mentors, healers, coaches, practitioners.

[00:01:37] [SPEAKER_01] It's not the people that wake up in the morning and go, oh, I'm going to go get some certifications from ABC and then I'm going to go do this, right? It comes from, from our experience. So I, uh, way back when, if we're starting way back when, um, grew up a single mom and the most amazing grandparents ever. My dad, they divorced when I was two, he was in California. We were in Minnesota. Uh, he was never really around.

[00:02:02] [SPEAKER_01] And then when I went off to college, he said, Hey, I didn't cover help you or your mom. I'm going to take care of your room and board for freshman year. And I said, amazing. That's great. And I was 18. I went off to college and I'm in the dorm and a couple months in they called and said, Hey, your bill was never paid. And you know, you're maxed on loans. So you got to figure it out. You have like a week.

[00:02:24] [SPEAKER_01] So I ended up getting three jobs. I moved out of the dorm. I rented a five bedroom house and filled the other bedrooms and I figured it out. Um, and probably that was the first time where I went without ever being able to articulate it at 18, but there's that sense of like, not being. Important enough. Like the promise was made and then it just didn't happen. And it just was like, Oh, you know, Oh, well.

[00:02:50] [SPEAKER_01] Um, and then I got married at 23 cause I was certain no one was going to love me and I was going to be the old cat lady. And I love cats by the way, but I had just this inner voice of there's something, you know, inherently broken. And, um, don't get married when you're 23, by the way, if you're listening to me, my baby is 22 and a half. And I look at her and I'm like, there's just no way. Very lonely marriage. You do not know who you are. Spent a lot of time trying to figure out what was wrong with me.

[00:03:19] [SPEAKER_01] We had our miracle baby literally. Um, and then when she was six, you know, we're like, okay, this, this, let's be done with this. And it was, it felt very calm and intentional. And then literally the next day it turned very volatile and wild. So we were in meditation or meditation. We should have been in meditation. We were in mediation on a Friday and we agreed to the things. And I just said, look, I don't, whatever you do, you do.

[00:03:43] [SPEAKER_01] But this first year where she has to like experience time with you and time with me and not together, just have, just let her be with you. If you're dating somebody, don't, you know, just let Maddie be with you for this first year. He agreed. And the next day I called to check on her because she'd had a little cold and she was six years old. And she said, oh, daddy's friend and her daughter are here and we're coloring Easter eggs. And I just, you know, I just lost the mama bear just took over.

[00:04:11] [SPEAKER_01] And so I did all the things in those, in that time of like, how do you process? You know, I talked about it in therapy and I talked with my girlfriends and I journaled and I, like I did all the things. And it's beneficial to a certain point, right? You have to do that part of it. But then when you stay in it, that becomes your identity. Like you're in your story all the time. And fast forward about three years, um, Maddie's nine.

[00:04:37] [SPEAKER_01] My father had come and he's a brilliant, very creative, charismatic man. Also a full-blown narcissist, but it was April. It was like 30 below zero. We had horses and chickens and the water thing snapped because the metal was too cold. And they had to run a hose into the washing machine. I mean, I was kind of over it. And, um, he said, I think you guys should move to California. He said, well, I'm not doing anything for your next big thing that never actually comes to fruition.

[00:05:07] [SPEAKER_01] First of all, uh, I'm only going to disrupt Maddie's life once because I moved around quite a bit when I was little and it was hard. And, uh, not leaving the horses. Oh, and by the way, my mom who does nails for a living had a surgery on her neck and they nicked a nerve and she currently can't use her right arm. So she's recovering medically and also there's, you know, no income. He said, no problem. Here's the financials. Bring the horses. We'll build you a barn. Bring your mom. It's going to be amazing.

[00:05:35] [SPEAKER_01] So against everything that I knew to be the right decision, right? Knowing something and choosing is not on the same floor, right? We know a lot of things and we still choose otherwise. Um, I moved my mom and daughter and two horses and three cats across the country to California. And the first five months were a fairy tale, family dinners, my parents hanging out like Maddie at the beach every weekend, weekends with the horses. And it was like, okay, this feels so good.

[00:06:03] [SPEAKER_01] And the day after her 10th birthday, so we've been here about five months, I was in the studio and I heard some noise. It was early. It was like nine o'clock in the morning. So the, you know, studio wasn't even open yet. And I look around the corner and there's these people coming in and I noticed that there's like, they all have guns and they all pointed at me. And then they put me in handcuffs and they set me on a chair. And this is how I found out that I was now in the middle of like a massive federal DEA investigation.

[00:06:33] [SPEAKER_01] So in the aftermath of that, now I have no business, no assets, no money, they've frozen everything. And this relationship that I had wanted with my father for all of these years blown to smithereens. And I had to make a choice. I could take us back to Minnesota, back to our friends and our chosen family. And, you know, just go back to where there was safety and comfort.

[00:06:58] [SPEAKER_01] Or I could keep my promise to my little girl and break generations of broken promises and integrity inside of the parent-child relationship. And at the end of the day, I decided that was the most important thing. So we stayed and I was several hundred thousand dollars in debt after that experience. And then I decided it would be probably a good time to start dating. I was back in therapy and dealing with all of my betrayal and my sadness and my rage.

[00:07:27] [SPEAKER_01] And, you know, I had been here for some years now and it was a Monday night at eight o'clock. I'll never forget. I had a glass of wine and I made a profile on match.com. And I was, you know, you get overwhelmed with all of this noise. And then I went on a date and a couple of dates and it's like, eh. And then I went on a date and it was like, okay, that was kind of interesting. And then I want a second date with this person. And I knew in that moment, this was not my person.

[00:07:52] [SPEAKER_01] Just the way he spoke, the way he made me feel immediately kind of making me feel like I was crazy. But I had so much evidence that there, you know, what if this was it? Like, what if my expectations and my desire to be loved, like fully for me and get to be fully loved is just silly and ridiculous. Or at least at this stage of my life, like I'm too much, I'm not enough, I'm broke, whatever. So I got myself into a very abusive relationship.

[00:08:20] [SPEAKER_01] And it took me a couple of years to get out of it and to untangle that. And it was in that moment that I was like my line in the sand. Never again. Never again. I just, I won't do it again. I'll happy to be Maddie's mama and, you know, do my work. And humor and the, you're not enough and you're too much in one breath.

[00:08:47] [SPEAKER_01] And just the constant making sure it was like his full-time job to make sure that I knew I just wasn't that special. And it just, you know, there was a whole lot of other things that we don't need to get into. But that was the catalyst that then became why I created the work that I did. And on the other side of that, I am married to the most incredible love of my life. The most loving, thoughtful, generous, amazing man.

[00:09:15] [SPEAKER_01] And, you know, had I not created this work and done this work for me myself first, there's no way. Because it's not about choosing better or someone new moves into the zip code. It's, you have to, you have to clear all this stuff that's running underneath that keeps you from the life and love that's meant for you before you can create that. And so that kind of brings us to today and getting to share this work and do this work with women.

[00:09:42] [SPEAKER_01] And it's not even just about them. It changes everything. Their kids, their relationships with their adult kids, their grandkids, their friends, their family, their profession. I mean, it changes everything because this isn't about a relationship or a having anything to do with the other person. We're actually rewiring the stuff that's running the show that's been there for a long time. So it affects every area of your life without going back into any of the story that caused the pain in the first place.

[00:10:12] [SPEAKER_01] We're not going to go unpack the thing for the 50th time. We're not going to go back and talk about the ex-husband or whatever. I mean, not only is it not necessarily, I won't allow it. All that does is reinstall traumatic neurology. And because memory is cellular, every single time you go back into it, the body relives it. And it gives more directions to the unconscious mind of this is what we're focused on. This is where we're going.

[00:10:38] [SPEAKER_01] And it's why you continue to end up in the same relationships over and over and over again with a different person.

[00:10:44] [SPEAKER_00] So the trauma affects our brain. And that pathway just keeps being done over and over again unless you intervene in the way that you just described.

[00:11:03] [SPEAKER_01] So if we think about the unconscious mind versus the conscious mind, so the conscious mind is everything from the neck up in our body. And it's everything we know we know. It's our goal setter. We use it all day long. And it's 10%, which means the rest of our body, everything from the neck down, the other 90% is our unconscious mind. So if you think about the conscious as our goal setter, the unconscious is the goal getter. It's the operating system.

[00:11:29] [SPEAKER_01] But most importantly, it's the literal library of everything you've experienced in your entire life at a cellular level, right? So if you think about memory, we often think about it being in the brain, which it does live in the circuitry. But we know from science that memory is cellular. We see it in generational stuff. We see it in animals, you know, thousands and thousands of years later.

[00:11:55] [SPEAKER_01] Horses still, even though they have like almost, you know, complete peripheral vision because they had to make sure that cougars weren't coming or mountain lions to jump on their back. They're still hypersensitive about that part of their back. I mean, that's cellular memory. And we see it all the time with people that receive someone else's organ. If they had a food they hated, they hated pickles their whole life and now they crave them all the time. And they come to find out that person loved pickles, like those kinds of things from a very, you know, simple high level.

[00:12:26] [SPEAKER_01] But when we don't release that properly and by properly, I mean without going back into it, then we see things show up in our physical world. Anxiety, depression, overwhelm, confusion, illness, injury, disease. But the traumatic stuff that we have in our body, every single time we go back into it, the body relives it.

[00:12:53] [SPEAKER_01] And so we have to clear that in a way that gives us the opportunity to then have space for what's next.

[00:13:03] [SPEAKER_00] So your method that you offer your clients is one to learn, to create a new pathway or release without reliving? I like that.

[00:13:19] [SPEAKER_01] You should trademark that. That's a great question. So really, this work goes where insight and knowledge can't. So there's nothing more for you to learn. And it's really, so if we look at, if we look at the, at the methodology, we clear, we create, and we claim. But before we, so I think it's important just like from a bigger, higher level, we have to clear the story to create the life.

[00:13:49] [SPEAKER_01] So everybody wants a new story. You have to stop telling the old one.

[00:13:53] [SPEAKER_02] Right.

[00:13:54] [SPEAKER_01] And we have to clear the cycles to create the confidence. Because after loss, whether it's divorce, death, you know, a business that failed, a friendship that fell apart. We start to wonder if we can trust ourselves because we thought we knew. And look how that turned out. So there's this sense of not being able to really trust ourselves.

[00:14:19] [SPEAKER_01] And so we have to clear all those old cycles of stuff so that you can have that confidence again. And we have to clear the patterns to create the partnerships because we want amazing partnerships romantically and personally and professionally. But all the old stuff that's running underneath, if we don't clear that, you don't get more of the same. You don't get those partnerships that you want. You continue to get more of typically what we don't want. And we have to clear the resentment to create the results.

[00:14:49] [SPEAKER_01] Right. Because especially as high capacity, high achieving, heart-led human beings, we often have this sense of like we feel resistance. So like we're resisting something and it could show up like self-sabotage or procrastination or just whatever. But the real question underneath it is what are you resenting? And that's what we actually have to clear. So then you get to have between now and dead the life that's meant for you. And then lastly, we have to clear the loss to create the love.

[00:15:18] [SPEAKER_01] And whether that's, you know, you would have not stayed in a relationship regardless because it wasn't good for you. You still have to clear the loss. You didn't get into a relationship thinking that it was going to, you know, be okay for a little bit and then it was all going to go to hell. Right. So the loss of what you had wanted for your life or that person for your family.

[00:15:39] [SPEAKER_02] Mm-hmm.

[00:15:40] [SPEAKER_01] And so we start, before we can clear anything, we start with a level of clarity that most people have never had.

[00:15:49] [SPEAKER_02] Mm-hmm.

[00:15:49] [SPEAKER_01] And we go really deep in a way that you've never been asked around values and non-negotiables and desires. And we get so crystal clear on who you are and what and who you want that you don't even have to worry about trusting yourself anymore. It's kind of like the difference between, you know, when you go to a restaurant and you sit down and the server comes by and they say, what can I bring you?

[00:16:17] [SPEAKER_01] And you say, well, I'm thirsty and I want to start with a salad and I need some protein and a vegetable. Great. And they bring you an iced tea and a lovely garden salad with a vinaigrette and some beautiful roasted chicken and some fabulous rosemary potatoes. And you got exactly what you ordered, a thousand percent what you asked for, and it's fine, right? It's what you ordered.

[00:16:40] [SPEAKER_01] Except what you really wanted was a glass of champagne and an arugula salad with figs and goat cheese and maybe a little balsamic drizzle and a beautiful piece of halibut with a bourbon sauce and some roasted asparagus. And that's what that level of clarity does. So it's why people almost get what they want in life and then they never do and they can't quite figure it out.

[00:17:08] [SPEAKER_01] And then once we know that, then we can do the clearing. We can do what I call a dysfunction detox where we get to clear all of that. And so when we think about the experiences that we have in life with negative emotions, anger, sadness, fear, guilt, shame, and all those limiting beliefs that come from all of our experiences. I want you to imagine that every single one of them has their own ribbon. Okay.

[00:17:35] [SPEAKER_01] And so as we go through life and we have experiences with anger, with sadness, with fear, with guilt, with shame, a marble goes on that ribbon. So when something happens today that brings up some fear, some shame, or some anger, it's not the today thing. It's the 40, 50, 60 years of marbles behind it. That's the gestalt. That's the charge.

[00:18:00] [SPEAKER_01] It's a clear without going back into any conscious memory of anything that was painful. So we get to actually clear that and really get the learnings to bring you back into the truth of the amazing human that you are. And there's some alchemical forgiveness in there. And that's a triggering word for a lot of people, forgiveness. Because they're like, why would I forgive that person? Why would I make it okay for them? But it's not about them at all. So I fully forgave my father.

[00:18:31] [SPEAKER_01] I'm going to get a seat at the table. Right? He doesn't get access to me. I've spoken to him in 11 years, whatever it's been. But I don't carry all of that rage and sadness and betrayal. Because that's just drinking poison and hoping somebody else will die. So all of that gets to happen. And then you actually have room. So it's like I turned 50 in January. It's 2026. And if you're listening to this in 2030. And I'm a little ADD.

[00:19:01] [SPEAKER_01] And I'm perimenopausal. And I love organization. And I just sometimes stuff just piles up around me. And I just can't deal. And I just want to shut the door. So I took everything out of the pantry. And it was all over the kitchen. Like literally I did a time lapse video on my phone. Because it was four hours. And so it made it like 30 seconds. But my husband was laughing. He's like, you are in your happy place. So I took it all out. And I put it everywhere. And I cleaned the pantry. And then I was going through it all. And there were so many yucky old path open boxes of stuff.

[00:19:30] [SPEAKER_01] And expired things. And orzo and olive oil and whatever. And I threw it all away. And I kept what was good. And I put it back. And it's the same here. Expired ways of thinking. Processing. Neurology. Strategy. Behavior. Things that we think just are. Because they've always been. We've got to get rid of them. So there's room. Because right now there's no room. You're just, you know, you're just ending up in the same situations, in the same circumstances,

[00:19:57] [SPEAKER_01] in your relationships, in your health, in your business, in your money. It doesn't matter what it is. And so once we have figured out the core of who you are and what you really want. And when I say non-negotiables, I mean non-negotiable. Not the thing that, you know, you're going to talk yourself out of or into in a few weeks. Because you think, well, I'm too old. I can't have everything. All the things. Then we get to ask the question. Okay, great. We've figured that part out. You've never known.

[00:20:26] [SPEAKER_01] We've gotten rid of all of this stuff that's keeping you from who you really are and the life that you deserve to be living. And outside of all of those other titles, mom, wife, ex-wife, business owner, podcast host, whatever it is. Like, who are you? Who are you now? And between now and dead, what do you want? And then we can move into that create phase and start building into that new identity from there.

[00:20:56] [SPEAKER_00] That's the exciting part, I imagine. Is the trickiest part, I'll say tricky to me, is sitting down and actually observing and being able to see. My patterns.

[00:21:15] [SPEAKER_01] So here's the interesting thing about that question is most of the time, the people that I work with, they've already done. Well, you have to have done all the other stuff. You've done the therapy. You can tell me your patterns upside down and inside out. You can tell me the thing that happened when you figured out in therapy and inner child work that happened when you were seven. And, you know, you took a test and you brought it home and you got a B. And they said, that's great, honey. But, you know, you can do better.

[00:21:44] [SPEAKER_01] And then your seven-year-old brain went, oh, oh, I have to be perfect or I have to perform or I have to be a high achiever to get love and attention from my family member, whatever. Those things you all know. That's all conscious stuff. And that's great. It's the stuff underneath. That's where the magic happens. That's where everything is actually running. Most people can tell me their patterns.

[00:22:12] [SPEAKER_01] But when I ask them what they want or what are you doing or not doing differently than you're doing or not doing today on the other side of this? Or what are those desires? Like, what are the things that are just like that magic wand, fairy dust, no filters? When you're walking down the street and you see someone and you're like, I wish someone would do that for me. You know, forehead kisses in the kitchen.

[00:22:35] [SPEAKER_01] Those are the things that there's no words and often tears because you know your patterns for the most part. But if you've never let yourself actually think about what you really want because you can't have it, you don't deserve it, you're not worthy of it, you're too old, you're too young, whatever. That's the part that people struggle with the most.

[00:23:01] [SPEAKER_00] Yeah. Does, I know I took your Ellie and I think it's something we can share with our audience too because we want them to go and check it out. Why don't you talk a little bit about that so they have some background and we can go into that.

[00:23:22] [SPEAKER_01] So I created over the years like a legit diagnostic and it's an assessment. It's called the Extraordinary Love Index, which we lovingly call the Ellie. And what the Ellie does is the Ellie answers a question that you might be circling for weeks or months or years or decades of what is it? What is actually standing between you and Extraordinary Love? And hear me when I say, it's not just romantic love.

[00:23:49] [SPEAKER_01] And if you say, well, this is not for me because I'm already, I'm married and I love my husband or wife or whatever. It is for you because it's not about a relationship or another person. It's about you. So, and it's not the like, what Disney princess are you? Like, so it's 30 questions. I would say it's 30 questions and it's 12 minutes and I'm going to send you 10 pages of insight. That's absolute incredible for you.

[00:24:14] [SPEAKER_01] I had a woman reach out on LinkedIn the other day and she said, why is it 12 minutes? And I had to laugh because I said, it's literally just the linguistics of it. I liked it better than saying it's about 10 minutes. I don't know. And she's like, that's really funny because that's what caught my eye. Humans were funny. But give yourself some time, you know, 10, 12, whatever minutes to actually thoughtfully answer because you're going to be surprised at what comes back to you.

[00:24:43] [SPEAKER_01] And I call it your portrait and it really does based on everything that you share and all the different areas, you know, recognition and attachment and all the different places. It's going to come back to you with a portrait of, that's going to feel so familiar and also give you some clarity around some things that maybe you've been like, oh wow, that connects some dots. That makes sense. It's going to show you, you know, probably what's showing up in your life and has for a long time.

[00:25:12] [SPEAKER_01] And what does it look like for you to stay there? And what could you actually do to move yourself towards this identity that you are stepping into, which is not about the past, but really being able to own and integrate and embody this new frequency and live and love and lead from who you're becoming. So the Ellie is my gift to the world.

[00:25:37] [SPEAKER_01] It's literally, I want every woman in the world to take the Ellie and I actually read every single one when they come back.

[00:25:44] [SPEAKER_00] Very cool. Well, mine, my pattern, I'll just be so vulnerable and say what it is. It was she carries. And I really got that. Because I think, well, and, you know, my childhood was not as dramatic as yours, but there was enough trauma in there to not be a safe place.

[00:26:12] [SPEAKER_00] Um, so it was, it, it, that became the, the little girl and the woman who takes care of things, who, who carries probably more than they should.

[00:26:29] [SPEAKER_00] Um, but I keep learning all the time of being able to let go and let others, let others step into it and not really hard.

[00:26:47] [SPEAKER_00] And not just be the, the hero of every story or which I'd laugh about now, but it's, it feels good not to have to be that person. And that someone else, if they want to can step forward and do that, or we just let it go.

[00:27:09] [SPEAKER_01] It's a very powerful shift. Um, it's something that, you know, I see all the time. Um, so oftentimes, you know, people will say like, I don't get it. I can figure everything else out. Like I have great friends. I have a great life. I'm professionally, I'm good. Like my dog loves me. What is it about love and relationships? And the thing that makes you so successful in business is often the thing that keeps you from getting to have extraordinary love where you get to be both.

[00:27:37] [SPEAKER_01] You can run the world and be a bad-ass during the day and still come home and put your hair in a messy bun and want someone to like rub your feet and bring you a glass of wine or hot tea. You can be ambitious and soft. You can be high achieving and still want to be taken care of.

[00:27:54] [SPEAKER_01] Mm-hmm and what often happens is because those of us, right, oldest daughter or only daughter who had, you know, had to be older than we should have had to be and take care of things and figure things out. We're like, okay, we're resourceful as hell. Like we're going to figure it out. And then, and then we, in our relationships, we want somebody else to be able to like, we want them to do things that make us happy.

[00:28:21] [SPEAKER_01] So we sometimes then tell them and then they're like, yeah, but when you tell me that I'm not going to do it. And then you end up like, you know, saying, well, I'd love to do this for my birthday or whatever. And then it gets closer and closer and you're like, well, it's not going to get done. And so then you just do it yourself. And then their answer is, well, you don't like how I do it anyway. So why don't you just do it? And now it becomes another project to manage instead of getting to be loved, instead of getting to like hand it off and say, amazing, right, do it or don't.

[00:28:50] [SPEAKER_01] But so to your point exactly. And I also want to just comment on one other thing that you said about your childhood. And, you know, if you've been on this planet for longer than 15 minutes, there's some trauma, right? So it's, it doesn't have to be this big dramatic thing. Parents, for the most part, inherently do the best they can with what they know.

[00:29:16] [SPEAKER_01] And, you know, all of those things, all of stuff from our childhood, 90% of who we are, we picked up between zero and seven. And so that imprint phase is so powerful. And, you know, today we wouldn't let a six-year-old make life decisions. That's, that's still running underneath. That's literally what's happened. That six-year-old you is choosing for the 50-year-old you, whatever.

[00:29:46] [SPEAKER_01] So, yeah, the Ellie is incredible. And again, whether you're longing for love, you're, you are in a relationship, you're, you don't want one, it doesn't matter. This is about you, not them. But it's going to give you insight that is really amazing. I'm so glad you took it.

[00:30:03] [SPEAKER_00] Yeah, me too. I was, it was so, the questions are so great to all of our listeners. And definitely, let's tell them how they can, can find it and how they could work with you.

[00:30:16] [SPEAKER_01] Yeah. So, and I'm sure you'll put all of this in the show notes. So on all the socials, Instagram, Facebook, LinkedIn, YouTube, Substack, it's Rihanna Malia. My website, rihannamalia.com. The Ellie is everywhere, but it's also literally the take the Ellie.com. But I am going to give you a link, you know, to put it so we can, so we can know where people come from when you link it.

[00:30:45] [SPEAKER_01] But the other thing I'd really love to invite people to is I author a piece on Substack called The Last Piece. And come join me over there and having these conversations and, you know, really getting to, I write there stuff that I don't write anywhere else, right? Because that's really what it's for. And so it's a really fantastic place.

[00:31:08] [SPEAKER_01] And it's a wonderful little community that I've created of, of women in, you know, having these conversations and, and looking at these things in the same kind of phase of life. But everybody's a little bit different of what they have going on. So love to invite you to join me over there too.

[00:31:26] [SPEAKER_00] Well, I'm curious, what, what would you tell your 20 something self today?

[00:31:33] [SPEAKER_01] Gosh. You're, you are so loved and you are so worthy of love. And just take a breath. Just take a breath and don't try to race through and manage the outcomes and be so worried that you're never going to have that love or have that, that you're just constantly managing. It's exhausting.

[00:31:59] [SPEAKER_01] And, you know, have a little more faith and just get, be 20, be 20. And you don't have to have the weight of the world and have it all figured out.

[00:32:10] [SPEAKER_00] Hmm. And I know you've got a chance to go to the store and pick something for yourself, which is going to be so cool to send you. What, what spoke to you?

[00:32:21] [SPEAKER_01] And I'm going to tell you, there's some irony here, but the brave butterfly. So my mom is terrified of butterflies. She had three brothers and they thought it was really funny. They put her like in a sleeping bag, bag thing, and then put monarch butterflies in there. And she was traumatized. So she, anything that flaps like that. And then unfortunately she passed that on to my Maddie, her granddaughter.

[00:32:52] [SPEAKER_01] But even, you know, not long ago, because, you know, we can, no matter how much we know and our gifts that we give to other people in the world, like, I can't do my magic on myself. I have a me for me. And I was kind of in this space of, you know, just feeling a little bit stuck around some things. And I felt like I was in, and what she said to me was like, yeah, you were, you, so when I came out of the other side, I'm like, oh my God, it just feels so good. She's like, yeah, you were in the goo.

[00:33:22] [SPEAKER_01] You were in the goo of the caterpillar and the chrysalis because you had, you have to go through that to then, you know, again, then to have this beautiful butterfly and have, again, so it's like the life on the other side of that, that is meant for us. And so I feel like I, when I saw that and just how beautiful it was and with the two, the wings are both different. And if you haven't gone to Yo's store, go look at them, but it's, it was just like, that's, that's, that's my book.

[00:33:50] [SPEAKER_00] That's it, huh?

[00:33:52] [SPEAKER_01] Yeah.

[00:33:52] [SPEAKER_00] Well, you are definitely the beautiful butterfly. That's all I can say you are. And, and to have, to be so eloquent about the process that we go through for change and serious change. When we say enough is enough, I want something different. You know, you, you've just kind of cradled people to, to get there.

[00:34:21] [SPEAKER_00] So thank you so much for sharing that with us.

[00:34:25] [SPEAKER_01] Thank you. It's really an honor.

[00:34:28] [SPEAKER_00] Brianna. Thank you again. There's so much here for us to think about, not only about romantic love, but about the relationship we have with ourselves and the patterns we carry into every part of our lives. Here are three things I'm taking away from this conversation. One, knowing our patterns isn't necessarily the same as changing them.

[00:34:50] [SPEAKER_00] We may understand where something came from and why we do what we do, but awareness may be the beginning rather than the end of change. Two, clarity matters. Before we can create something different.

[00:35:08] [SPEAKER_00] Before we can create something different, we have to allow ourselves to ask what we actually want, not what we think we should want, what we've learned to accept, or what we believe is available to us. And three, being capable doesn't mean we have to carry everything. That one really landed on me.

[00:35:31] [SPEAKER_00] There can be strength in letting someone else step forward, in allowing ourselves to receive rather than manage, and sometimes in deciding that something doesn't need to be carried at all. And that last takeaway has me wondering about something else. We talk about loving ourselves, but I'm beginning to wonder about the difference between loving ourselves and caring for ourselves.

[00:35:57] [SPEAKER_00] How do we actually treat ourselves when we're tired, disappointed, struggling, and simply not where we think we should be? And what can make that care difficult? That's where I'm going on our next episode, a soundbite called Caring for Ourselves. What can get in the way?

[00:36:19] [SPEAKER_00] I'll be exploring some of the things that can make caring for ourselves harder than it sounds, including the beliefs we carry, our patterns, and even our relationship with achievement. Until then, remember, maybe creating a different life doesn't begin with knowing all the answers. Maybe it begins by asking ourselves what we want and believing we're worthy of the answer.

[00:36:50] [SPEAKER_00] Thanks for being here. Bye.