326. SOUND BITE: Conflict Resolution: Is Intention Enough?

[00:00:07] [SPEAKER_00] Welcome to Soundbite, a reflection inspired by a previous conversation on Girl, Take the Lead, and I'm your host, Yolanda Canny. There was something about my conversation with Charlotte Reed that left me feeling very hopeful. Charlotte is running for City Council here in Menlo Park, California, where I live. And as we talked, she described what she does when she encounters someone whose views are so different than her own.

[00:00:34] [SPEAKER_00] She makes room for them. She listens. She tries to understand the experience and information that may have shaped what they believe. And she starts from the possibility that this person believes they're trying to do the right thing too. I was really moved by that. Not because Charlotte believes we can somehow make conflict disappear, and certainly not because she expects everyone to agree.

[00:01:04] [SPEAKER_00] What moved me was the way she enters the disagreement. It made me wonder about something I've been thinking about a lot lately. Intention. I've been trying to live with more intention. I've even started eating with more intention. And for those of you who know, I don't eat flour and sugar and haven't for about 25 years. Ah, this was very mind-blowing to begin to really look at not just the rule.

[00:01:35] [SPEAKER_00] Because eating with intention means I have to notice more about what I'm doing, even though I am doing these things. Like, the big one is, why am I making this particular choice? Does what I'm choosing reflect how I want to care for myself? And is it the healthiest thing I can eat? I'm discovering that intention asks us something of us.

[00:02:03] [SPEAKER_00] It's more than saying, but I meant well. It requires awareness. I need to know what matters to me and then make choices that line up with those values. And that got me wondering, what might happen if we brought that kind of intentionality into conflict? Because I know something else about myself.

[00:02:30] [SPEAKER_00] I like people who are like me. There, I said it. It's easier to be around people who share my values, laugh at the same things I do and see the world somehow the same. But if I'm really honest, sometimes I'd rather avoid people who don't. Maybe you've noticed that in yourself too. Like when the conflict happens and suddenly those differences move right to the center.

[00:03:00] [SPEAKER_00] You believe one thing. They believe another. You're seeing the situation from over there. I'm seeing it from over here. Before long, the differences between us can become all we see. So I've been wondering what would happen if we didn't begin with the differences? What if we began with intention? Like, what matters to you here? What are you trying to protect?

[00:03:29] [SPEAKER_00] What are you trying to preserve? What would you like to change? And what are you hoping will be possible? Being curious about those questions doesn't mean I agree with your answers. But perhaps I understand you a little differently once I know what sits underneath them. And here's where this gets harder. Because it's pretty easy for me to get curious about your intention.

[00:04:00] [SPEAKER_00] But what about mine? What is my intention when I enter this conflict? Do I actually want to understand you? And I'm open to learning something I didn't already know? Do I want connection? Or do I want to convince you? Do I want to win? Do I want you to finally understand that I'm right?

[00:04:30] [SPEAKER_00] Oh boy. Because I can tell myself that my intention is understanding. When underneath it all, what I really want to do is for you to understand me. Those aren't quite the same thing, are they? And maybe this is also where respect comes in. Does respecting another person require us to agree? I don't think it does. Maybe part of respect is recognizing that you're on your own journey.

[00:04:59] [SPEAKER_00] You have experiences I haven't. You have your own process. And so do I. I can make room for that without giving up what matters to me. I can listen to you without surrendering my values. And I can understand your intention without adopting it as my own. And when we can do that, maybe something changes. You become more than the position you're taking.

[00:05:30] [SPEAKER_00] And maybe I become more than mine. So back to the question I started with. Is intention enough to resolve conflict? Probably not. We can have good intentions and still hurt each other. We can intend to listen while spending the whole conversation planning our response. We can intend to be respectful and still become defensive.

[00:05:59] [SPEAKER_00] So intention alone isn't enough. It needs awareness. It needs curiosity. It needs respect. And it needs action that flex the things we say we value. But maybe intention is where we can begin. That's what Charlotte's conversation left me thinking about. We don't necessarily have to wait until we agree before we make space for each other.

[00:06:28] [SPEAKER_00] And at a time when it can feel so much easier to surround ourselves with people who see things the way we do, I find hope in that. So this is the question I'm taking with me. When I'm in conflict with someone, can I get curious about their intention while also getting clear about my own? We may not end up agreeing.

[00:06:55] [SPEAKER_00] We may not even end up in the same place. But perhaps we'll understand a little more about how each of us got there. And maybe that's where conflict resolution starts. Thanks for joining me for this soundbite. And next week, we're changing things up a bit and having some fun. I know things have been so serious on this podcast. My daughters, Emma and Kiki are coming back to Girl Take the Lead.

[00:07:25] [SPEAKER_00] They come on the show from time to time and it was time for them to come back. They were part of the podcast when we first got started. And back in episode 22, they challenged their boomer mom. That would be me to see how much millennial and Gen Z slang I actually knew. Well, more than 300 episodes later, it's time for a rematch.

[00:07:52] [SPEAKER_00] There are new words, a new generation entering the conversation and plenty of laughter. And I have to say, I think this mom did a lot better this time. So join us next week for the slang challenge is back. Can mom keep up? Until then, remember, we don't have to agree to make space for one another.

[00:08:17] [SPEAKER_00] Maybe conflict resolution begins by getting curious about their intention and getting clear about our own. Thanks for being here. Talk to you soon. Bye.