What happens when someone says something about us—and before they’ve even finished speaking, we’re already preparing our defense?
That’s not what I meant.
That’s not what happened.
You don’t understand.
Defensiveness can show up quickly. We explain. We justify. We shut down. We counterattack. Or we become so focused on proving that we’re right that we stop listening.
But what if defensiveness isn’t simply something we need to get rid of?
What if it’s trying to tell us something?
In this Sound Bite, inspired by my recent conversation with Kerry Siggins about hard conversations, feedback, and trust, I explore defensiveness through a different lens: not judgment, but curiosity.
Our brains are designed to help protect us. And the things we perceive as threatening aren’t always physical. Feedback can bump up against our sense of competence, our intentions, our identity, our belonging—or an older story we carry about ourselves.
That may be why a comment that seems relatively small can sometimes create such a big reaction.
A Question to Consider
Kerry offered a question in our conversation that got me thinking:
Am I trying to be right—or am I willing to be curious?
Because being curious doesn’t mean the other person is right.
It doesn’t mean we have to accept everything someone says about us.
And it doesn’t mean poorly delivered feedback suddenly becomes okay.
It simply creates enough room for us to ask:
Is there something here I can learn?
This reflection also inspired the third Girl, Take the Lead! Reflection Panel:
When DEFENSIVENESS shows up...
PAUSE
What am I protecting?
Am I trying to be right?
What can I learn?
How do I want to respond?
That last question matters.
The PAUSE
Because the goal isn’t to never feel defensive. The goal may be to notice when it happens—and create enough space between the feeling and our response to choose what comes next.
Maybe we own something.
Maybe we apologize.
Maybe we ask another question.
Maybe we clarify what we meant.
Maybe we ask for time to process.
And sometimes, after considering what we’ve heard, we may decide that the feedback simply doesn’t belong to us.
Receiving feedback doesn’t require accepting all of it. It asks us to be willing to examine it.
The Girl, Take the Lead! Reflection Panels are handmade reminders designed to help us pause, reflect, and get curious when familiar feelings or patterns show up.
You can find the Reflection Panels and other handmade cards in the Girl, Take the Lead! shop:
The next time defensiveness shows up, instead of judging it or immediately acting on it, what might happen if you ask:
What is this trying to tell me?
Listen to the Conversation That Inspired This Sound Bite
321. Hard Conversations: Clarity, Kindness, and Trust with Kerry Siggins
Available on Girl, Take the Lead! wherever you enjoy podcasts.
Connect with Girl, Take the Lead!
Website: girltaketheleadpod.comYouTube: Girl, Take the Lead!LinkedIn: Yolanda “Yo” CannyInstagram: @girltaketheleadpodFacebook: Girl, Take the Lead!Pinterest: Girl, Take the Lead!
Coming Next
Next time, I’m joined by Riana Malia, an identity architect for high-achieving women who’ve built extraordinary lives—except for the thing they may want most: love that matches them.
Riana is a Board-Certified Integrative Neurosomatic Practitioner and creator of the Extraordinary Love Method™ and Extraordinary Love Index™.
And yes—I took the Index myself.
We’ll explore the patterns we may carry into love and relationships, what those patterns may be trying to protect, and what can happen when we begin to see them more clearly.