322. SOUND BITE: Defensiveness: What Is It Trying to Tell Us? (9:14)

[00:00:07] Welcome to Sound Bite, a reflection inspired by our conversation on Girl, Take the Lead!. I'm your host, Yolanda Canny. During my conversation with Kerry Siggins about hard conversations, feedback and trust, she asked, Do we want to be right or do we want to be accurate? Do we want to be right or do we want to be curious?

[00:00:33] Because I think most of us know that feeling. Someone says something about us or something we've done, and almost before they're finished speaking, we've prepared our response. That's not what I meant. That's not what happened. You don't understand. Or maybe we just shut down. We withdraw. We stop listening and later we replay the conversation and think of all the things we wish you had said.

[00:01:03] That's defensiveness. And maybe there's a reason it can happen so quickly. Our brains are designed to help protect us. And what feels threatening doesn't have to be physical. Sometimes what feels threatened is our confidence, our intentions, our reputation, our sense of belonging, even our identity, our story about who we are.

[00:01:34] So maybe defensiveness isn't simply a bad habit we need to get rid of. Maybe it's information. Maybe instead of trying to judge it, we can become more curious about what it's trying to tell us. Carrie shared a powerful example of this. Someone she trusted gave her some very difficult feedback.

[00:01:59] Her first reaction wasn't curiosity. She wanted to fire him. I would too. She went home. She cried. She got angry. She thought about firing him again. And even about quitting. But she didn't act on that first reaction. She gave herself some space. And eventually she was able to ask, what can I own in this feedback?

[00:02:27] She didn't decide that everything he'd said was true. And she didn't decide that the way he'd deliver it was okay. But underneath the hurtful delivery, she discovered something she could learn. Carrie realized that her tendency to chase new ideas, to move quickly toward the next exciting possibility, could create strain for the people around her. And she changed some things about the way she led.

[00:02:57] I've been thinking about that distinction. We don't have to accept everything everyone says about us in order to examine it. But maybe that's where something I've been exploring lately comes in. The pause. If you've been following the Girl Take the Lead reflection panels I've been creating, you probably noticed it. The pause is huge on those panels.

[00:03:25] The first one was about resentment. When resentment shows up, pause. What am I feeling? Where's the hurt? Question the story. Is it true? And what belongs to me? Then came the reflection panel about compassionate curiosity. When should shows up. Pause. What am I assuming I know? What do I actually know? Could something else be going on?

[00:03:55] And can I leave room for a different outcome? And now, Carrie's conversation has me thinking about the pause again. Maybe that's because resentment, should, and defensiveness have something in common. They can all arrive with a story already attached. I know what happened. I know, I know what this person meant. I know I'm right.

[00:04:24] And if we immediately follow that story, we may never stop long enough to ask whether there's another one. So I've created a third reflection panel when defensiveness shows up. Not that I know anything about this one. Pause. And this time the questions are, what am I protecting? That's an interesting place to begin.

[00:04:52] Because sometimes the intensity of our reaction may be telling us that the feedback has touched something important. Maybe I'm protecting my belief that I'm competent. That I'm a good leader. That I'm a good mother. That I'm a good friend. That I belong. That I know what I'm doing. Or maybe it's touched something much older. Like, am I trying to be right?

[00:05:23] I love that question from my conversation with Carrie. Because being right can feel very important when we feel threatened. But if I'm busy proving I'm right, am I still listening? Carrie also asked whether we want to be right or have influence. Be right or improve the relationship. The next question on the panel is, what can I learn?

[00:05:53] Not, what did I do wrong? Not, why is the other person right? Just, is there something here for me? Maybe that's a lot. Maybe there's a little. Maybe after really considering it, we decide this feedback isn't ours to carry. And then the last question. How do I want to respond?

[00:06:22] I think that's where the power of the pause really lives. Because now we have a choice. We can own something. We can apologize. We can ask another question. We can clarify what we meant. We can set a boundary. We can say, I need some time to process this. That's a big one, everybody. I need some time to process this.

[00:06:52] Can we come back to it? I wish I had done that several times in my life. Or we may decide not to do anything at all. The pause doesn't tell us what our response should be. Maybe it gives us enough space to choose one. And I'm starting to wonder if that's why pause keeps finding its way onto all these reflection panels.

[00:07:21] The goal isn't to stop feeling resentment or to eliminate should from our thinking. Or to never become defensive. Maybe the practice is simply learning to notice what's showing up before we let it decide what happens next. Because our defensiveness may be trying to protect us. The question is whether we need that protection in this moment.

[00:07:49] Or whether we can become curious enough to hear what else might be there. So here's the question I'll leave you with. The next time defensiveness shows up, can you pause long enough to ask, what is it trying to tell me? Next time on Girl Take the Lead, my guest is Rihanna Malia.

[00:08:16] An identity architect who works with high achieving women who've built extraordinary lives. But still find themselves searching for love that matches them. Rihanna created the extraordinary love method and the extraordinary love index. Which identifies patterns we may carry into our relationships. And yes, I took the index myself. We'll talk about my pattern.

[00:08:44] We'll talk about what my pattern revealed and what these patterns might help us understand about ourselves. Until then, remember, we don't have to react to everything we feel. Sometimes the pause gives us the space to choose what comes next. Thanks for listening. Bye!